Psychedelics and Court Rooms

 

I presented at a trauma conference, and one of the sessions was about psychedelics. And I don't think that I ever felt so free in my entire life. I have never truly spoken about my own experience, maybe mentioned it casually, but not in totality.  I have never expressed what my experience with psychedelics was like, and what a freeing experience that it was for me. This is a much-needed intervention, and for the first time in my life, I am going to share my experience and the feelings that I was able to feel for the very first time. I wasn't afraid of anything, and that is something that trauma survivors rarely get, and I think maybe yes, it's about time that I did talk about it. So here we go. 

It was just as my case was going to trial. We finally got a date, and it was set. I had spent close to two years talking to attorneys and detectives, trying to keep his stepdaughter safe. It was never a question of pressing charges on my father because I knew that I had to keep her safe. My only choice was pressing charges; there was nothing else.  I was not going to let any other little girl suffer under the hands of my father. Doing it all on my own, I was exhausted. In the end, I just wanted the case over. I never imagined how hard the entire process would be on me; I just knew that it was the right thing to do.  

A few weeks before court, the entire family was asked to come to the Da's office. I am not sure what they were trying to prove, or what their intentions were, but I was made to feel small and insignificant.  They had my brother, Mother, and me all sitting in the same room.  And she asked me a few questions about the abuse. My family is sitting right there in the room.   She was asking me about the oral sex that I had to give my father. I felt like I was shrinking, and neither of them was in the room. I answered their questions, and don't really remember much else. But I left feeling like I was the one who had done something wrong. There was no care or concern, just a girl forced to recount the evil things that had been done to her.  There were trips to the advocacy center, where I had to read my statement and answer more questions. I felt like there was no care; I felt like a bother. I felt like I got in the way, and they didn't understand my need to do this and keep Angela safe.

Then there was the trip to the courthouse. I was terrified; everything seemed so much bigger when I was that afraid. I needed some care and concern at the time, and none was given. The DA walked me into the courtroom, where we would be, and showed me where I would sit and where he would be. She showed me a small, closet-like room where I would sit when I couldn't be part of things. I can remember the panic; my heart was racing, my legs felt like rubber, and I couldn't say a single word. I know that she was talking, but I don't remember her words. She was talking at me not including me. I wanted to take the room in to be prepared, but felt rushed and unseen. We left that courtroom, and she saw other attorneys, who were more important, and she said the exit was that way, and I was left on my own.  I don't remember any words of encouragement or that things would be ok, I didn't feel like a person at all. I can remember my mind swirling with a million different questions, walking faster and faster past all the police, attorneys, and criminals. I couldn't get out of that building fast enough. No one bothered to ask how I was or what I was feeling. I am pretty sure I got sick once I got to my car, and the tears started on the way home. The entire world was going to know the things that I had to do for my father, and I felt like I was the one who had done something so terribly wrong. 

So I was asked to go to a rave with a co-worker.  Without a single second thought, without caring about a thing, I said yes. I wanted something normal, something that didn't have to do with the court system, court houses, DAs, or police. I was a bit nervous. I was a good kid, and drugs were never something that I ever entertained. I just needed some relief, something to not have to think about what was ahead of me.  I even joked that I would be the one to get arrested, and he would go free.  They gave it to me, and I thought, "This isn't going to do a thing; I will feel nothing."

I was witness to all of those around me, having their own experience, and yet I felt like an outsider. They kept asking how I was, knowing it was my first time.  I would shrug, saying that I was fine, and they would smile, telling me to give it time. Then in a single second, I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. The absolute rush that came over me. It was like the world lifted, and I had never felt so light. I sat there for who knows how long, feeling like there was not a care in the world. For the first time ever, I wasn't afraid of the people around me.  I didn't really care what anyone thought. I was free, I was there in the moment, fully present. It was the incredible sense of calm that I have ever experienced.  I eventually got up and was able to walk around. I can remember seeing a group of people smoking, but they were all unable to find their mouths, and I thought how strange it was. For me, my experience was one where I felt normal. The fear that I woke up with and went to bed with was gone. I felt so much lighter. I was able to be in an environment where people were just people and not monsters. I had such a feeling of freedom. I can literally remember thinking, "This is what it must feel like to be normal".  Every sense was so heightened, and I took it all in. No overwhelm, no dread, no panic. For the first time ever, I was experiencing the world with a calmness that I didn't realize ever existed.  I listen to music and feel everything, and this was even more intense. I can still hear the music in my head Children by Robert Miles in true trance fashion, and I was there in the middle of it all, listening to the music, dancing without a care in the world.  I made my way to the DJ, and I was just present, feeling each beat to my core, and I wasn't a victim in those moments, just a girl dancing, enjoying the music. 

I didn't see the people I was with for the rest of the night.  The great thing is, I wasn't even looking for them; I was safe in my own skin. No thoughts of anything that had ever happened to me. Just there, free, thinking I never want this feeling to end. There were a few moments, and I ended up sitting in a chair, and a few of my brother's friends saw me. They were tripping hard, and I said hi. They were a bit confused to see me there, and were actually pretty funny. I will forever be grateful for that night. On the way home, everyone was under the influence, and I find it hard to believe that we made it home safely.  I had my head lying on the window, watching the street light go by, my thoughts drifting to what a little girl must feel when she doesn't have a care in the world. We made it back to his house and watched some trance music that created different screen images.  Such an open freedom, it was now early morning, I could see the sunrise, and I felt the effects wearing off.  The sadness began to fill my heart, my shoulders once again tightened, and I could feel the fear creeping in, worried about what others were thinking, worried about all the things that I had no control over. I eventually made it back home and to my own bed. I was sad; I wanted the experience to last longer. There was a sadness to experiencing something I didn't have.  I have held on to that experience my entire life. I am grateful that for that time, I had an understanding of what it must be like not to be afraid, and to be glad to be alive. That night at the Ridglea Theatre was everything and more than I ever expected. I didn't get arrested, and my father was given a plea.  

I hope that in the future, I can use something like this as therapy to help with the most challenging parts of my story, and that in the process, it can help reduce the intensity, allowing me to truly heal. I have not done it since; the memories of that night have stayed with me, and I am grateful to know that feeling normal, not being afraid, is possible. I felt like just another girl in the world, and that is a feeling I will never forget. Maybe someday I can have that, a sense of true freedom that is all mine just because I am a girl living her best life.  

I heart your heart.