I need a Bob Trevino

 I just watched the Movie:  Bob Trevino liked it, and I am kind of a mess. I would love to have a Bob Trevino in my life. Someone who sees me, who hears me, and goes out of his way to make sure that I am taken care of. I need someone to be a fill-in dad for me, to understand what I didn't have, and maybe fill in those gaps.  Someone who cared, someone who wanted me to succeed, who was there to help, who was there to teach me all the things that I never learned. A person to hold my heart when it feels like the world is against me.

There have been times when I thought I found that person, but it just never worked out for me; I am just too needy. Everyone has their own families, but I have just always been the girl who doesn't have one. I thought I was close to having someone like that when I went camping with a family, but I was sadly mistaken, and it crushed me. One of those moments when something you have wanted seems so close, and then that moment you realize that that thing isn't meant for you at all. 

The kids and I were putting up our tent in the dark.  I had never truly been camping and had no idea what I was doing. I was so tired and really struggling. I didn't have the right equipment, and everyone around me did. It was so dark that the ground was uneven, and we were starving. We managed to get the tent set up and were trying to get the air mattress in the tent. I was laughing, but only because it was better than crying. But not a single person there came over and offered any kind of help. They were all sitting down in their chairs around the fire, laughing, enjoying themselves as we struggled on our own. I tried to make light of it, make it all fun and games for Vincent and Mariska, but I was heartbroken. I do remember how we laughed, but I was heartbroken. They didn't have a clue; all that I was feeling, I was just going to make it an experience for them. How does a person see someone struggling like that and not offer some help, or even a way to try to make it work? How does someone not say, "Are you okay?" Do you need any help?  No, they were all just onlookers, and I was left out of place, wishing that I had never gone on that stupid trip. I can remember looking over at everyone, already done setting up, and seeing the person who I thought was my person, my Bob Trevino, and not a single hand was lent, not a single word was spoken.  They saw the struggle and did nothing. I wish it didn't take me so long to realize that they were my people, but I was never theirs. There is an ache there that doesn't go away, because I gave them access to so much of my heart. 

I watch this movie and think about how amazing it would be to have someone help with household repairs, answer life questions when I'm clueless, make me laugh when I am sad, or hold my hand when I am afraid. Someone to offer life advice when I have a big decision to make. Someone to share with, someone to care. Someone to stay and make a difference. Someone to celebrate with, and hold me when I cry.

This movie was gut-wrenching for sure. I will always be looking for a person like that for me. I know I will be ok, I know that I have people who care and believe in me, but this is something different. I want someone who is mine. I know I keep going because I always did, and always will. I just want my very own go-to person, where I am included and a part of their life. I just want that so badly; even at 50 years old, it's what I want most of all. Maybe someday. So I keep looking, keep hoping. But I am also aware that I may never get it, so I will watch movies like this and be grateful that others have their Bob Trevino to make their lives a little brighter and less lonely. 

I heart your heart.