Not a fan of Holidays

 

It doesn't matter which one it is; I am not a fan. I was thinking about that today, because it is the fourth of July, and as I took Mariska to work today, there were all these people loading up their cars, getting ready for the cookouts, picnics, and pool parties, and then there is me. Dropping Mariska off at work, seeing everyone with their pool noodles, their festive Fourth of July colors, the big hats, the beads, then going home alone.  There are no invitations; there are no invites asking if we are ok or if we want to join them.  There is nothing, just another day doing the normal things I always do, and not a single soul reaches out to invite us or make sure that we are ok.  

Then I get angry at myself: why, after all this time, does it even bother me anymore? We have never really been included, thought of, or made to feel special. I am 52, and why after all this time do holidays still sting? I feel like holidays are made for families. They are made for the people who have people! What about those people who don't have people? What about those people? What about me? To be honest, I would not even impose; if someone asked, I would probably say no, I wouldn't want to get in the way or be a bother. I am all too aware that I am not a part of their family. But just to be a thought to someone would be more than I could hope for. 

So on this Holiday, I have separated laundry, washed the rugs, mopped the floor, vacuumed, and done all the things. I am getting ready to write my paper. And there is a sad ache in my heart that I just can't shake.  I would love nothing more than to make that special red, white, and blue dessert or pasta salad to bring to a gathering of people, just because it's what you are supposed to do on these days for families. Not a fan of fireworks anyway; they just scare the animals. 

So instead of a gathering, a celebration connecting with friends, I write what is on my heart and hope that someday there will be a place for me.  A place where I am thought, a place where I belong. 

Someday, maybe. 

I heart your heart