What will be enough ??

 

Today I passed my NCE exam.  When it was over, I was expecting this huge relief. I expected there to be this insight, like, " Wow, you have finally made it, Callahan.  Honestly, I didn't give myself credit.  In one breath I saw passed, and in the next that excitement and breath were gone.  There is excitement; this was a huge deal, but still it wasn't enough for me to believe that I am good at this job, that I have worked really hard, and I deserve to be here. I think the thing that worried me the most with the Doctoral Program was that I wondered if even that was going to be enough. 

What does that enough even look like to me, because I haven't hit that mark yet, and it would be nice to sit and breathe knowing that I am proud of myself and all of my hard work. But I don't feel that, because often what I am isn't enough. That feeling in my bones, that I am missing something, that there is something terribly wrong about me, is looming and large. 

I have seen the statistics of the number of people who complete a master's; I have seen the numbers for those who get a doctorate, and yet I am still not enough, not deserving. I am not sure what in the world it is going to take to believe that it's ok to sit back and enjoy these things. It's ok to say yes, I am really proud of myself for how far I have come. 

I can tell you that these last few weeks have been more stressful than I would have ever imagined. So many things that there can be no plan for. So many things that can't be put into a list and checked off. My fingers hurt from pulling at what little nails that I have left. I find myself getting grouchy and irritable.  Sleep is an issue; I mean, what's the point? There are so many things running through my head that rest is close to impossible.  Yesterday, you could say I had a mini meltdown. I canceled my therapy; I was even supposed to present on trauma-informed care with a co-worker, and I emailed and asked if she would mind if I didn't come. Something so important that means the world to me, and I just couldn't do it. Granted, I had received the letter earlier in the day that they loved everything that I have done for my Internship site,  but it was a no to continue as an intern there. I was absolutely crushed; this place means the world to me. So with that news, I shut down, canceled my appointments, and began to look for places to work on my LPC-Associate hours. So many unknowns for me, and I at least wanted to be in a place where I felt like I made a difference. I have so many resumes out there, and there has to be that place that I fit into. So many things are up in the air, and I am not a fan of that feeling. 

Then there is the actual graduation, which absolutely terrifies me. There is a part of me that is so excited, and in the same breath, the panic that I feel is completely overwhelming. There are the what-ifs; I worry that things will go terribly and I will be pushed to the side and forgotten. Maybe that is the thing that I worry about the most.  The things from the past that all begin to creep in. I just may not be worth the celebration. The problem with celebrations are the people; when you don't have people in your everyday life, celebrations hit a different nerve. When you don't have people, is it really even a celebration, because I just don't have those everyday people.  I struggle to find a way for people to understand that. Someone even asked me, well, who else are you inviting, and I didn't have any words for them, because there is no one else to invite. Honestly, sometimes that feels pretty shitty, and I am not even sure that I have the words to describe what that feels like in a heart like mine.  I don't have words to express just how stressful this time is for me.  This entire graduation thing is terrifying: the attention, the history of graduations, the expectations seem to overwhelm my entire nervous system.  I want more than anything to be able to stand in the moment proud of this accomplishment and all the things I have overcome and persevered through to get here, but I just do not. I am scared that this day will be just another day about nothing. If I could blink, wave a magic wand, and have it be over, I think I would.  

I worry that these feelings will take away from the important people who are going to be there, and that isn't what I mean at all.  There is just this ache in my heart that I wish that things were somehow different.  I can't even tell you what my perfect graduation would be like.  I want there to be the people who matter, who have cared for my heart and have seen my struggle and are nothing more than proud to be there for me.  Maybe it's sad that the people who are your family and should be there are people that I don't have, and there is a great sadness in that.  Celebrations are those reminders of the sadness that some people will never be what you need in all the ways that you need them.  

I will be excited, I will be scared, and I hope that I enjoy each and every little thing of the day. 

I heart your heart