I feel less than

 

I was watching a documentary about a woman who has been through many of the same things I have, and watching her, I realized that we have said so many of the same things about the life we have lived. Watching it, I also realized that I feel so much less than because of what I have been through. I feel less than as a human, less than as a counselor, and less than as a parent because the things that have happened to me have shaped every single thing about my life. I do feel less than in my Master's program, and even in applying for my Ph.D., there is a part of me that thinks, really, you are going to do this?  Are you smart enough? What gives you the right to do that when you are still so affected by what has happened to you? That is a huge feeling, and I am not sure what to do with that or how to make it go away. But that feeling of less than is in everything that I do.  Even in those moments when I am confident, I catch myself and think, "But don't forget where you have come from!"   It's as if I have taken the worst parts of the things that have happened to me and, somewhere in my mind, believe they make me less of a human and less than deserving of normal life experiences. 

I wish I understood the root of the thinking and could make it go away.  It is amazing that the things still affect all of my thoughts after all this time. I keep pursuing my dreams, but I think I could just change some of those thoughts; imagine just how much further I could be.  It's a very strange place to be and so hard to explain. The words that have been spoken, the things that have been said that I have taken to heart, still have this terrible grasp on the person that I am. 

After all of the work I have done, there are moments I fear I am going to lose it all. I always think that I am doing something wrong; I think that I am in trouble. It's such a terrible feeling. It's that knot in your throat, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want there to be confidence, and I just don't have that right now. It makes me think of that saying that for every negative thing that is said, we need how many positives? Sometimes I wonder what it will take for me to get caught up. 

The last 4 or 5 years of teaching have been incredibly difficult; the students that I have had to deal with and offered little support have been more than challenging. The principals who were unkind and team leaders who were breathing down your throat, allowing you to make zero decisions about your class, have had such an impact. I feel like the world's worst teacher most days, trying to put out the fires that are in my classroom daily.  I was speaking with my para the other day, and I said I wish that someone would walk in our room and say Wow, look at what you are doing; look at the amazing work going on, a little positivity like that would go such a long way. Well, finally someone came out from Curriculum to observe, and she wasn't in my room for 10 minutes and said, " Wow, I can really tell that there are rules and procedures in place, that is really awesome, and I love how you have your room set up. I have been into a lot of classes and this is fantastic. What a shock; it brought tears to my eyes, and I told her how much that I appreciated her words. Those things make such a difference. She even wrote a note and put it in my box, I can guarantee you that I am going to keep that note all year, and when I feel worthless as a teacher, I am going to read it and smile. 

Feeling less than travels with me in all areas, and I truly need to look at where that comes from and do something different; no one wants to feel like there is a herd of elephants on their chest every day.

 

                               I heart your heart.