My books

These books, My Books  are my world. They are everything that is inside that is dark and scary and ugly.  They are all the things that I don't have words for that are to ugly to even come out of my mouth.  I wish sometimes that I could explain all that they hold.  It's the darkness the things that I see from the outside. Those books are my deep dark soul that is more than damaged and feels more than unlovable.These books are the things that no one has ever asked about, no one has even cared to find out about.  These books are everything, they are all the things that I want to be acknowledged and to mean something.  I want these books to be a look into all the things that are unseen all the things that I have survived.  People wonder why I am the way that I am, why I I watch everything and am cautious. These books have helped me survive and given my mind a place to express the horror that is inside.  These books mean more than I can even understand myself sometimes. It takes so much to share them and yet I hare because I do not want to carry all that is in them myself.  The things that they hold ; literally hold me hostage and are heavier than I can bare.  I feel lately that their weight is increasing and the toll that that takes is something that I can't explain. I feel those things that are in books in my bones still to this day.  I wake up with nightmares and feel frozen.  I wake up and my arms are cold and my legs are asleep.  I wake up and my hips are more than achy even after all this time.  I can't hold these things to myself anymore.  I can not carry the weight on my own because I can't and I won'r anymore.  I still feel like so much of those books is my burden to carry because of the choices that I made, wearing his shirt , dancing,  wanting to be a part of the crowd, wanting to belong, those things always got me into a place that I never wanted to be. I feel often like I am still living in the nightmare, and I don't want to live like that anymore.    I smile and I laugh and still smile some more but my heart is broken and its time to share, heal and maybe even let some of those things go that are not mine to carry.  I want all the things that have happened to me to mean something to be important to be big enough for someone to help me through them.   Nothing that ever happened to me was big was hard enough, was scary enough for anyone to step up to the plate and today I think that I have someone who will do that. Who will listen and hear as long as it takes as many times as it takes and that is terrifying and amazing.  I don't have the words for the gratefulness in my heart because 44 long lonely years is more than enough. I am tired, my heart is exhausted and my mind and body are so tired of fighting all the time.  This is more than hard and its going to take a lot out of me, I am sure that in the end when I can dance and not be scared, when I can love and not be afraid when I can openly share and not feel ashamed then it will all be worth it.  Oh, this is incredibly hard and my heart aches,  I don't want to live in this hellish place I want pure joy, pure happiness and I will do anything to make sure that I find it.  A dear man , has said: he is here. And not going anywhere.  If there could only be an explanation for what those words mean to someone like me. He  Has said that the words that come to his mind are courageous,  gritty.
"The other words that come to mind when I think about you are: Resourceful; Determined; Resilient. I would also add Kind to that list."

 These are the words that I need in my mind heart and soul. 
 Those words to describe someone like me,  they feel so foreign, undeserved and yet those are the things that I want to believe, those are the things that I will fight to believe and find the happily ever after place that I long for.

I heart your heart.

Only if your affected

Wow sometimes I am amazed at the things that come out of People's mouths. People that are close, people that know some of the things that I have dealt with and still don't get it. People that are insensitive to any issue that doesn't affect them.  All these things have literally broken my heart tonight and I am more than alone.

I am not sure that I have the right words or if I can even put what went on into words.....it all started with a single question and the night began to spiral. I can't breather there is an elephant on my chest and I want to crawl in a hole.  How does one person deal with all of this.

We were watching the news and they were talking about the new abortion bill; that even in cases of rape and incest it was illegal.  Those things come on the news and I try to keep moving half listening but mostly not. I wait for them to be over and go on with whatever it is that I am doing.   One of those things that kits too close to home.  Well tonight when it came on Vincent asked my mom what she thought.  And again I was half listening, but I heard enough.  She said well it didn't matter, that it was still wrong and that there were other options.  I heard a lot of Blah Blah Blah and no caring no concern, Vincent said something to her and how not right that it was and she kept saying well there are other options and she can have the baby, she can give them up for adoption.  Vincent said but what about that meaning Rape and she said well the morning after pill is ok........

There were so many thoughts running through my head........She has no idea just how broken that I am. Ho hurt that my heart is and how much that I have had to do completely on my own.

Another thing that I can not share , that I live with on my own. I suffer in silence, and hold it ever so close to my heart. It's to much and too heavy for others to know.

She has no idea how hard that this situation is  or how close that this is to my heart and is so much a part of who I am and who my children are.  I have never used the word Rape with my children. When I told them I just said that Charles didn't listen.....Do they put that word on what happened ?  A question for sometime.....I am more than sorry that is something that they even have to contemplate in their life.

On the issue I don't know.....I do not believe in Abortion, I could never harm an innocent little one but I also understand that in cases of rape and incest there are many emotions, feelings and situations that no one can understand unless you have walked in their shoes. I know that for me what I did, the choice that I made was the right one for me.  And I have said it a thousand times,  if I had to do it over again I would to have my children; but that doesn't make what happened to me any less awful, it doesn't make it ok, or make it hurt any less.  I hate what happened to me and how I got pregnant and everything that went with it, the black, the going away, the pillow on my face, him commenting on his beautiful BMW as he left.  I closed the door and went to my bed and cried until there were no more tears.  I was once again left with nothing and 2 weeks later, Yes I am pregnant.  All that mattered was those sweet children and they meant the world to me.  They were my world and I was going to give them all that I never had.  I knew what happened to me, but that didn't matter because those two precious babies were meant to be mine. 

The spiral of the evening left me with a panic attack.  Questions from my children, the nonchalance of my mother.  My own heart and what its been through and the things that I have had to live though.  There is so much and I a, so alone in this.  What does a mom do who was raped and has children ?  I try to think it doesn't matter but there are ties that it does there are times I worry about Vincent being a good guy.  So many pieces.  Once again I am more than sorry that this is something my children have to know and deal with sometimes I do believe it would be easier for them to think I was just a slut, and got pregnant.  That just isn't the case.  There is me the damaged one in the middle.  There are my two beautiful children on one side and the awful terrible rape on the other how do I make sense of that.  How do I not blame myself and  lessen the impact on my sweet beautiful children.  There are no answers and no manual for this.   I am more than sorry for my children, once again I wish I coud make it easier for them.  And for me I would do it all again to have them as mine.  That is so hard, that is scary and heavy.  Yet another thing to carry and try to heal on my own.

I heart your heart. 

Little Callahan

 Yea so many things and I am no sure where I start.  Once again I feel like I have been in this place before and beat myself up that I find myself  here in a place that I know all too well.  I am grateful that I have Mark and feel like he is listening and I am more than grateful.  The timing could not have been better. It seems like I am fine; I am fine; I am fine; and then BAM comes the brick wall.  I feel I have hit hard and I once again want to scream at the world until I feel better. Until I feel safe until I feel a little more peace in my heart.  I feel like I am running all the time trying to do it all and there isn't much left.  And there is no-one there checking to make sure that I am ok ! I think that is the rough spot.  I am pretty much on my own and that is more than heavy.  People aren't around and I won't pretend to be someone that I am not just to fit in somewhere.  So that leaves me smiling and doing things on my own.  In counseling there is a lot, and its really really hard.  There are so many things that still so hurt my heart.  I would think that I would be done by now, that I would feel whole that I wouldn't feel that awful terrible inside.  I still see the world through all the things that I have been through.  And I fight the good fight trying to be better and sometimes the past still wins.  I feel like right now, its winning.  My heart is heavy and things are happening that I am not sure what to feel .  I am not sure how to take care of myself and do all the things that I need to do.

Mark has said that he thinks little Callahan is closer than I think that is a good thing and also terrifying.  She is at least in the building in the same room.  She is still not a favorite,  but I can't  hate her.  I am just more than sorry and want so much to change things make them better. I am more than sorry for the things that she has lives through for the things that she has to carry and I want to not feel so much less than everyone else all the time.  That feeling of being less than is more than huge and I know the right things in my head .  I know all the it's not m fault, I didn't do anything wrong. I KNOW all those things in my head but my heart ..........yea, that is a different story.  I feel that if I let her in less her close enough to take care of I will shatter and there won't be anything left. 

I think how I see her changes I would like to think of her in this safe happy place and no one can ever hurt her again.  A place that is safe, that is bright that has all the things that A little girl could ever want,  yet she is alone and even though she might smile she is always afraid.  Always in fear of being hurt one more time,  and that being the finally straw and there is an inner knowing that she just couldn't take it,  she wouldn't make it her mind would leave and never come back.  That is the fear, so she is alone and isolated and trying to smile through all the awful terrible things that have been done to her , that she somehow has lives through.  And then I sometimes see her cowering in the corner,  with monsters hovering and she sees nothing but the things that have been done and feels like this is her life.  I know that she is me and , she is a part of me she is that little girl that was hurt so much but its easier and harder all at the same time to have her close and not keep her at a distance.  I feel like I keep her at arm's length more like many arms because I fear what it will be like when she is right in front of me and I can't push her away.  I feel like for me I see the pictures in pieces and parts and its not all connected.  I feel like she is all connected most of the time and that terrifies me.  I wake up with the nightmares and the bruises and I feel things that happened in my bones and its often scattered and indescribable.  I really think that little Callahan is more aware and feels more than I have ever imagined.  I know the weight of what I carry and am more than afraid to take on her feelings, emotions and experience.  I feel like she has the words that I don't have.  She has the experiences that I see in detail playing all the time.  I feel more than crazy, how does a person life normal ?  How does a person live a happy fulfilled life knowing all the things that have happened and how different that I see the world around me.  There are things about me that have been changes forever and I don't know any other way.  Can I see things different, Do I see some things different yes but those tapes play and they are horrendous and I don't know how to make that a worthy part of who I am.  I fight being worthy with all those things being pictures what happens when I connect with Callahan and feel her weight that she carries.   It feels very big and very heavy and I always wonder if I am strong enough for her. What if I am not ?

I heart your heart.     

Making Meaning

I try more than hard to make sense out of the things that have happened to me.  I want to understand I want to see a clear picture,  I want to understand why so much in one life over and over.  I want a tree to be a tree, I want people to stay I want people to be genuine and care for my heart. I don't want to be afraid, I don't want to sleep with  the lights on.  I want people to hear me, hear what I am saying. I need people to understand me; my heart why I am the way that I am.  I want people to acknowledge those hard days for me and that be ok.  Those anniversaries that hurt, Aug 22, Valentines, the spring weather at times I want people to acknowledge those things and just say that they are thinking of me. I want to make a difference for people. I never want anyone to have to feel the feelings that I have always felt.  I want to be a part, I want to belong somewhere.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I want to be held when I cry and sat with when I don't even have the words or can't find them.  I want to feel safe in the world, I want to know that I can keep myself safe now.  I want to know that I am not the awful that has happened I want someone to see the me that is under the pain and the hurt and the sad.   I want people to acknowledge my heart and be careful.  Because I an not your normal person I have been hurt in ways that you will never understand.  I have been shattered and torn and somehow managed to live through it all and I want someone to see that and laugh with me cry with me and be extra gentle.  Because I can't and won't be hurt anymore.  If you do not have good intentions and can't be gentle and genuine and kind and caring then walk away.  Don't pretend that you care and then walk all over my heart.  Don't hold my hand tell me I am brave then leave me alone in grief.  Don't stay if it's not forever, don't get near me if you don't mean the things that you say.  I need to find a way to not have the things that have happened to me be so separate. I see it all so clear the little details, the colors, the hands, their eyes, my body feels the things that have happened and I can't even explain how that happens,  feeling numb and

 yet I can smile and do the things I need to do.  I want the me now to match. I want my inside and outside to match.  I want to be OK when things get rough. I want to be OK when I remember, when I can't make the pictures go away.I want to be OK when yet another person leaves me behind because I am too much of the things they can't and won't understand.

This afternoon I watched The Accussed, I watched it and I felt it in my bones.  I have been there the terror and my heart feels heavy.  I don't want my heart to know the hurt that it knows.   And in the end there was meaning she fought, with all that she had and she won.  She won; that look at the end of the trial it was for something , there was not I did this for nothing,  There was I did this and can sleep, I did this and I made it.  I am OK I am still alive and there are great things for me to accomplish. I have had small moments like that, but I want the peaceful kind, the kind that is a weight lifted, the kind that I don't feel like I am carrying it all on my own.  I want to know that someone gets it and are ok when I am not OK.  That those times I am not good at all,  they just hug a little tighter say hello a few more times and just let me know that they care.

The things that have happened are so much my life,  I don't know anything before and I don't think people understand that at all. I am building from a foundation that was nothing solid and everything evil.  That alone,  is big, its huge and doesn't just go away. I want the things that have happened to have a special place; to be acknowledged. I need to know that I am so much more than those things, I want to believe that but I honestly don't.  Making meaning  has a lot to do with the abuse and the pain but its what makes me me, that makes the meaning and  where I have been; the things I have lived through, but where I am going.  For me making meaning means that there has to be a peaceful place somewhere for all that has happened to be acknowledged and heard and yet I will still be me and somehow will still be lovable.  Making meaning means that all the things that happened are a part of me, an important part of me, but the me that I have chosen to become is just as important.

I heart your heart.

Can I just pretend that this is forever ? Please

So many things so many thoughts.

  I am just going to pretend this is forever. This place is forever.

I am going to have my very own spot.

 with my very own person every Tuesday.

This feels more than amazing.  I am more than grateful.

I have a place.  A safe place. 

I heart your heart.

Little Callahan is grateful Mark

The Nightmares you can't get out of

The nightmares have been brutal.  I have them a lot and most of the time I wake up and things are ok just another night in my life.  Then there are other times when they are so vivid so real so sad that even after I wake up they are still there still going on and those are the days that it is rough to keep going.  Since starting back in counseling, the nightmares are picking up again the bad kind. The ones that I can't get out of the ones where bad things happen and no one cares and people look on like everything is fine.  The problem nothing is fine and it breaks my heart. The other night it was a dream that my parents were getting back together.  It was this huge apartment maybe even a house , there were two floors.  Lots of people were there everyone was waiting for someone to arrive.  People were coming and going . Of coarse I was the one watching everything going on trying to figure it all out. Then my father walks in.  I go right up to him screaming at him and hitting him really hard telling him how much that I hate him.  He cries like a baby and tells everyone how h hasn't done anything wrong.  Of coarse everyone feels sorry for him. Oh poor bob.   I am more than disgusted and am worried about the animals so I do something trying to make sure that they are all safe.  I tell asshole to leave them alone that they are all fine, I know he will only hurt them. He sneers he is so awful and everyone things he is so great.  I am sitting at a table caring for all the little kids , there is lots of crying and arguing from all the adults around. I am trying to create a bubble around the kids to make them safe and happy.  It seems that there is evil all around and I am more than aware.  I see him again he pats my mom and says its time for everyone to go and get stuffed and that evil laugh and his beatty eyes my mom smiles and doesn't say a word......I am screaming on the inside because its more than obvious that no one can hear me or even cares........and I wake up in this panic just like the night that I couldn't stop crying.  I knew so many things that I shouldn't.  I knew what it meant to get stuffed and it broke my heart to me that meant my mother was going to get hurt too.  He had lots of little phrases like that .  They all broke my heart, I knew as far back as I can remember exactly what they all meant.

Another night just as bad.  It's this huge creepy dark house.  There are people everywhere and I just keep trying to clean up make sure that everything is in order.  I try to ignore everything that if I can just fix things enough everything will be OK.   People keep telling me you have to talk about it, you have to talk about it over and over and in my heart I know that it won't make a difference but everyone I see tells me too. Over and over and all I want to do is clean up the mess and make everything pretty , put everything back in its place.  Finally there is someone that starts screaming at me to talk about it and I stop everything and I stare at them.  We are standing out by the pool everyone is dressed so nice,  the moon is out and I with out a work. Take all my clothes off , every black and blue blaring every scratch ever scar more than visible. My body is covered from head to toe. and I jump with my arms up in the air for everyone to see the gross and disgusting, everyone can see each and every hand print of those that have hurt me Everyone can see what my body looks like from the hands of others. I fall into the water, all those that told me to speak now staring with their jaws on the ground but as I fall into the water they continue their conversations, they drink their drinks and I sink to the bottom not one person reaching out not one person asking not one person even caring after all they were the ones that so badly wanted me to talk. Because at that point there are no words,  there are no words left to describe the things that this body has been through.  Its heart breaking, not only is this a nightmare but its whats inside.  I could show people the bruises the sadness the pain and it wouldn't make a difference so why bother and I Smile. It's better to smile then to face the bruises sometimes.

I heart your heart 

NO one ever asked about me, I figured it didn't matter

Its kind of crazy.  In starting this process again its amazing that people didn't ask about me about my heart.  People talked about me, people talked around me but no one was are you OK, what happened to you , what did they do; there wasn't any of that and that came with such a shame because I have believed that all those things that happened made me less than made me gross and disgusting because if there were things that should not have happened then it would have been OK to talk about.  The things that happened to me are not OK to talk about. The things that have happened make me less than make me unlovable, make me so very different.   I was in my 20's before anyone asked if I was OK.  That was Det. Plemmons after I pressed charges, and he before asking anything else asked if I was OK.  And I literally didn't understand the question.  Was I OK ? I mean of coarse I am OK I am fine I just have to do this and keep Angela safe.  Those words are you OK mean the world and take so little time.  Even now people don't ask. People that know me people that have known me for a long time and I am done and giving up on them. I understand that others have their own lives, but it takes 2 seconds to make sure that others are OK.  I don't want them to ask anymore it doesn't matter I would rather do things myself than someone be less than genuine.  I am tired of reaching out, making sure others are OK when my heart is breaking and no one gives a shit.  Too sad to cry so she smiled. YES.YES.YES.  And no one cares to know the difference.

I HEART YOUR HEART