Anniversaries

Anniversaries are a normal part of life right? There are some that are happy and some that sad and still others that just are. Some anniversaries are ok to talk about, good to talk about, and a good thing for people to be able to share.  But me, anniversaries are not ok for me, no one is there no one wants to hear, so I withdraw and hold my heart and wait for the day to be over. And I try to do different things on those days, I keep busy, I try try try not to think but its there and the difference between me and you is that you can share yours but I can not.

So this Valentines, I am not a big fan on this day. I will try to make it special for Vincent and Mariska. I will smile pretend its another day like any other day, but there is an ache in my heart. This day was the school Valentine dance and the first time that Don showed up on my front door step and pushed his way in. And what do I do with that, I can't share it with others, there will be no one telling me that they are sorry, there will be no letting me be sad. No one making sure that I am ok. Like so much nothing will be different, I will smile enjoy my children and my heart will pretend to be fine, only its not. I am trying to be more honest with how I feel and honestly, I am not very good at knowing what it is that I feel. There are so many things to write to feel to get out of my head and I honestly don't know what to do with them. What does a person like me do? I want to share but how ?!? I want to be present and honest, and real but how? When my anniversaries are many and not of the good kind? What does a person do? You stay to yourself pretend that all is well, and wait for another new day to come.  THAT is what I have to do.

I will push the memories away, I will make things special for the kids and smile, be grateful that I have them. I will make things a big deal for them, and seeing them happy is good for my heart. I don't want to be the downer for this day of love, I just would like to be acknowledged, to be seen and I am not.

People get flowers and cards on tough anniversaries, just letting them know that they are not alone, me, there is silence….my anniversaries are not the same mine don't matter, mine are not acknowledged other than silence, the kind that is deafening and that silence is loud and clear.

It's getting harder; the kids asked "why don't you like a lot of days?", and my heart breaks I am not hiding things well enough.  Once an anniversary was acknowledged, and it was so special, and I am grateful, and I was seen.  I won't take your whole day, I won't be a pest.  I just need people to take a few seconds and ask if I am ok, maybe say a little prayer for me, anything is worth a try.  My anniversaries hurt just as much, and are that much harder because they exist and everyone ignores, even when they know. 

I heart your heart