Coming Full Circle : Fragile yet Full

It seems as though some things may start to come full circle for me. And I can tell you I am scared I am terrified and I feel more than lucky that I am going to get to share my story. That I am going to make a difference that my story is going to mean something. I want more than anything for people to understand, for people to listen and do things differently. I have been looking back through all the court papers this week and the information regarding my case and how I was "just a witness". The papers that say he was convicted of "Assault" the same as adult men getting into a fight, and it made me angry. It was so much more, it was my innocence that was taken. I was doing it all back then to keep a little girl safe. A little girl that I didn't even know. I just saw that little pink bike on that cold rainy day and I had to do something. I had to keep her safe, I had to protect her, because of what I knew. And because of that today I am finally going to stand up for me and I have to say that is more terrifying than what I did all those years ago standing up for a little girl who is now almost 18.

I was afraid all those years ago but there was a purpose, there was a drive in my heart to make things better for her at any cost including any cost to my own heart and soul. I was on automatic doing all the things that every DA and attorney and detective needed from me. I suffered in the process but I didn't care, I was doing the right thing. I didn't matter. People keep saying how courageous that I was and how selfless I was but to me, there was no other option. I am not braver not more courageous I just knew it was the right thing to do. But today as I prepare to in all meaning of the words go public with my story this is for me, this is to have a voice for me and that is the hardest thing in the world.

I can scream from the mountain tops for others; for little Angela for oh so many things but for my heart for me to stand up for me because its my story and it should not have happened and my father took things that were not his to take that is who I have to fight for today and that is the biggest battle that I am ever going to have to face. Fighting for myself. I am finally going to have to stand up for me. I can't tell you how terrifying that is.

It's funny this week I have realized that even eye contact is really hard for me I am still more than embarrassed and ashamed of the things that have been done, the things that I have lived through. And it really makes me sad. I do not hold my head up high and say yes that happened. I look down and I don't use real words and I am not proud of myself for making it through I am not proud that I survived and that has really got to change. I am more than ashamed that my story is what is it, and yet that is something that I can do nothing about; it happened, it was awful it changed me in ways that I can't explain and don't have words for. But I am still here; my crazy fragile tender heart is still beating.

I have been through hell and oh my goodness, somehow someway I am still breathing, I have two amazing kids and I finished college against every possible odd imaginable, and that is huge! Sometimes I will just stop and take everything in around me. The air, the trees, the birds, the sky, the people, the sounds I stop and just take it all in. By all means I should not even be alive and I AM. I am alive. I have made it and its time that I find my voice; it's easy for me to be a voice for others, but a voice for myself?!?

Do I deserve to have a voice for me, because I am just as worthy as those that I stand up for? That is a rough one, and I fight with the answer. Someday I want to be able to say with out any hesitation at all YES, I am worth just as much, even on days when I don't feel that at all, I need to know that its there that I just might not be able to see it at the moment, but its there.

It is kind of like one of my favorite sayings from Peace is every step by Thich Nhat Hanh.

I have lost my smile

But don't worry

The dandelion has it.

And I think that is where I have been most of my life, I knew that it was there and that someday I would get it back, I just didn't know when. If I was able to give that smile to others, to make them feel as though they mattered that they were important, then somehow that would be all the peace that I needed. At least if we know that it's there and something is holding it for us then there is hope. That has been my hope my entire life. And I think maybe this is my time, finding a voice not just for others but for myself. This is going to be the peace that I have been looking for every where but within my own heart.

　

So the next steps of my journey are going to be new and challenging and sometimes heartbreaking. My fragile heart needs space, needs kindness and lots of love and understanding. I am strong but yes still fragile. Not the kind of fragile where you walk on egg shells, but the fragile, that I need a hug, that I need you to understand, that I need you to ask if I am ok . Lately its funny I fear dealing with certain things, talking about things that I am going to fall apart that no one is ever going to be able to put the pieces back together again, but if I can survive the things that I have I am sure that I can come through this and really truly be ok, really truly be whole. In the end, I am going to find that piece of peace that was in my heart all along.

I heart you heart.