Oh my goodness, this is more than hard. I can't explain how I see the things that have happened in my life. I see them in 3-D color like they happened yesterday, that's how I see them even today. But I don't feel them, I don't feel a lot of the time actually, its more of a constant terrible ache. People ask well what do you feel; And I truly don't know. I fear that feeling will devastate me. There have been times when I have truly felt the things that happened and it felt better, it felt real, I was being honest with myself. I have come such a long way, and then I started building walls, trying to survive. I start to withdraw and go into my head. I clean and fix and hope that it will make it feel better. I often feel like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. There are pieces of me over there, and pieces of me over there and still more over there too far to reach. And that is exactly how I feel. I see the pictures of my past, and they are cut off from my heart and I am scared. I am scared to see them, scared to feel them scared that I may never put the pieces back together.
So I found this saying the other day:
You either walk inside your story and Own it
OR
You stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness
And I hate to say that is exactly where I am. I am scared to death, that I am not more than the things that have happened to me. I don't want to accept and own that those things once were my life. Those things happened, and I did survive them and by some crazy something in this life I am still breathing, and have accomplished things that I never thought were possible. I am scared and sad and on guard all the time and I am completely exhausted. I will not last much longer with the rate that I am going. It's serious, because the stress is affecting my heart. I feel the tightness, its not all the time, it comes and goes but when it comes its scary and I am terrified that one day its just going to be too much. I am ALWAYS fine, Everything is always good but REALLY it's not, I am not.
I ordered a few PTSD books trying to figure out some of the things that I do. Thinking that maybe some of the answers that I am looking for will be on those pages, of coarse it helps things make sense, but I find no answers. I want to understand why I work so hard and still see the pictures. Why I can't peacefully take a shower. Why I can't gently peacefully fall asleep Why I wake up and am frozen; I literally can't move from the fear. And in one of the books there is something called Broken Heart Syndrome. it’s a real thing, a real live thing and I can almost guarantee that is what I have. My heart is broken over what has happened and how things have been. I need people, I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be ok I am not giving up, but I am tired of fighting.
I am heartbroken, by the life that has been mine, I feel less than, I feel inferior, worthless. That is what I feel 95% of the time. And it hurts oh it hurts so so much. Maybe I am scared of the things that I can do if this wasn't holding me back; maybe that scares me just as much as the things that have already happened.
There is a part of me that thinks I will be a failure either way. I feel like a failure because I hold on to the past so desperately, wanting to understand wanting to make it my fault and take responsibility for it all; and I still feel it all so deeply in my soul. I work so hard trying to process everything and understand. Another part says ok stand up let go of all those evil things that have happened, it sounds so simple only it is not. And what is left? Oh yea an almost 40 year old living under someone elses' roof on food stamps, who doesn't even have a real constant job. Either way is there really a way for me to win ?
I just don't know, but I have broken heart syndrome and I just don't know what to do. I am working so hard and in the process people leave, I mean really who wants to stay around, I completely understand. I don't have people check up on me, I don't get asked for tea I don't really talk to anyone that isn't in the profession of listening. What does a person do when they are the only people that can even at least hear your story and not cringe. That can still look you in the face and not think Oh MY God! What does a person do ? Its rare if I get a real true hug; the kind where I relax and if even for a few seconds all tension fades away, I need more hugs to know that I matter.
I think probably the best friend that I have ever had is far away and says that he doesn't see the things that have happened, he doesn't see the things I have lived through and I don't understand that. Because that’s how I still see me. And there lies the problem I see me as that Victim, doing nothing letting things happen and I HATE that. I feel like I live life in between the awful of the past and the greatness of the future, I am scared to go back an scared to move forward.
OR
You stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness
And I hate to say that is exactly where I am. I am scared to death, that I am not more than the things that have happened to me. I don't want to accept and own that those things once were my life. Those things happened, and I did survive them and by some crazy something in this life I am still breathing, and have accomplished things that I never thought were possible. I am scared and sad and on guard all the time and I am completely exhausted. I will not last much longer with the rate that I am going. It's serious, because the stress is affecting my heart. I feel the tightness, its not all the time, it comes and goes but when it comes its scary and I am terrified that one day its just going to be too much. I am ALWAYS fine, Everything is always good but REALLY it's not, I am not.
I ordered a few PTSD books trying to figure out some of the things that I do. Thinking that maybe some of the answers that I am looking for will be on those pages, of coarse it helps things make sense, but I find no answers. I want to understand why I work so hard and still see the pictures. Why I can't peacefully take a shower. Why I can't gently peacefully fall asleep Why I wake up and am frozen; I literally can't move from the fear. And in one of the books there is something called Broken Heart Syndrome. it’s a real thing, a real live thing and I can almost guarantee that is what I have. My heart is broken over what has happened and how things have been. I need people, I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be ok I am not giving up, but I am tired of fighting.
I am heartbroken, by the life that has been mine, I feel less than, I feel inferior, worthless. That is what I feel 95% of the time. And it hurts oh it hurts so so much. Maybe I am scared of the things that I can do if this wasn't holding me back; maybe that scares me just as much as the things that have already happened.
There is a part of me that thinks I will be a failure either way. I feel like a failure because I hold on to the past so desperately, wanting to understand wanting to make it my fault and take responsibility for it all; and I still feel it all so deeply in my soul. I work so hard trying to process everything and understand. Another part says ok stand up let go of all those evil things that have happened, it sounds so simple only it is not. And what is left? Oh yea an almost 40 year old living under someone elses' roof on food stamps, who doesn't even have a real constant job. Either way is there really a way for me to win ?
I just don't know, but I have broken heart syndrome and I just don't know what to do. I am working so hard and in the process people leave, I mean really who wants to stay around, I completely understand. I don't have people check up on me, I don't get asked for tea I don't really talk to anyone that isn't in the profession of listening. What does a person do when they are the only people that can even at least hear your story and not cringe. That can still look you in the face and not think Oh MY God! What does a person do ? Its rare if I get a real true hug; the kind where I relax and if even for a few seconds all tension fades away, I need more hugs to know that I matter.
I think probably the best friend that I have ever had is far away and says that he doesn't see the things that have happened, he doesn't see the things I have lived through and I don't understand that. Because that’s how I still see me. And there lies the problem I see me as that Victim, doing nothing letting things happen and I HATE that. I feel like I live life in between the awful of the past and the greatness of the future, I am scared to go back an scared to move forward.
I am fighting and I am tired, my heart is weary and worried.
I heart your heart
Please help take care of mine
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