Time to take the blindfold off

 

Oh my goodness, this is more than hard. As much as I write about the things that have happened to me trying to figure the rest out, there are pieces that are missing. Pieces that I desperately try to ignore, pieces that I don't talk about and the problem is they are all pieces of me and until I put all the pieces together, things will be just as they are. Talking about pieces is kind of perfect; I am one huge giant walking puzzle. And my edges are basically put together. On the outside, I am a mom and do all the things that an adult has to do. I take a shower, go to work, clean, take out the trash. On the inside where all the other puzzle pieces are they are backwards forwards upside down and everywhere in between. From the outside I smile and help the little's that I can but inside, well not sure that there are any words. But I am trying to put the pieces together with a blindfold on, and we all know how that will turn out. I keep the blindfold on trying to keep my heart safe, keep it protected, keep it from any further damage, but really it's only making things worse. I have some of the corners together of my puzzle, some of the outlying parts figured out, but those most hurtful, terrifying pieces, the blinders are on and I keep feeling for them knowing I have to work on them to heal, but I push them away. Like I keep reaching but the pieces move further away and my arms get shorter, and I get stuck, trying to understand, why I can't feel them. I can't feel them because for those pieces I still have the blinders on. I am trying to guard my heart, but I am trying to guard my heart from that little five year old girl who has already survived the worst, it's me now that I am worried about. I have to take the blinders off and hold that hurt heart.

I have more pieces together of my puzzle that I ever have, but there are some big sections that I am missing, and those are the ones that I have to start working on and in order to do that, I have to take the blinders off and trust that I won't implode in this process.

I think another piece of this for me is having someone who will walk with me, as I try to do this. As much as I dread needing others, it's just a fact that I do. I can not do this on my own, I have tried, tried really hard and I can't.

Wednesday Eric watched Pursuit of Truth with me and I cried. And crying has been really hard lately, for me , I know and I am a crier!!!! For so many reasons, I let go and I cried. I cried real tears that hurt. He asked if he could sit next to me on the couch. That itself is huge. I often do not sit close to others, I don't want to impose, get to close to bother anyone, and I don't want to be in any ones space. He was the one, who asked, and always my reaction is OF COURSE and I am always grateful. I need someone caring enough to sit close to me and not think I am terrible, it's been a long time, since James and I need that so much. Just to know I am not so awful means morethan you can even imagine. Eric would stop the movie asked what I thought, shared how he saw things. He gets mad at the things that have happened, sees how unfair it all is and I feel heard and understood. Then he stopped it, one girl had her father supporting her, standing up for her...sitting right beside her, she had him to lean on. That is wonderful, I am so happy she has that. The difference is for me I was on my own. I faced the courtroom alone, and everything that entire two year process alone.  There wasn't anybody there for me, I was completely on my own and the tears started and it was that ugly cry. The tears wouldn't stop. And it was for me that I didn't have that going through the court system, but as I move into this next chapter I do have Eric sitting beside me, walking through this with me and I am grateful. Valerie and Neil are giving me the chance of a lifetime to share my story and let people know what it was like for me. I am believed, I am valued, and I am listened to and heard. And I have to trust that it's going to be ok to take the blinders off, to feel whatever it is that I feel and that my story is going to be told and know that the people that matter are listening.

I am being heard.

I heart your heart