April 2018

So its almost April.  And April is sexual assault awareness month.  This year its a strange place for me really. I always try to post about the month means to me as I am a survivor. I want people to notice, to do things differently. I want people to notice me and just tell me they think about things differently, they are going to do things differently, they want to learn how they can help.   But I feel that most often it falls on deaf ears, I share, I hope and there is no response what so ever.  SO this month its just going to be for me.  TO heal my heart, to share with those who are able to support and understand.  This month I am going to try to figure out the feelings that I have in my heart and mind.  I am stuck between wanting to share, and wanting to stay silent because really the only difference is me.  I am not sure that any of my sharing makes a difference.  So maybe this year is a time to be quiet.  I am tired of reaching out and getting nothing back. Tired of sharing my heart and not a single thing  from anyone.  You see I know and understand that I get old, that the things I deal with get old.  I am aware of that but I don't feel that I am asking for too much.
  You see I would never want to be a pest or a burden.  All I want is a simple thinking of you, hoping you are good.  I hope that this month you are safe and taken care of.  I am holding space with you this month and always.  I have even asked for what I need acknowledgement, and was met with lectures about things that don't work for me.  SO this year this Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I will quietly work on my own heart. I can say with almost 100% certainty there will be no acknowledgement for me and maybe if I go into this month knowing these things it will be a little easier.  That does not mean that I will stop fighting, that fight is something in my bones, in my heart. I think I want others to understand and fight with me.

 Maybe this month it has to be an inside job because the outside has just been more than hurtful lately and I don't; can't; won't add any more hurt to this fragile heart of mine.  In this moment, in the 2 million 592 thousand seconds that are in this month I will process in silence, I will process here with my own thoughts where there is no input, no judgement just my thoughts, my fears, my feelings.  Maybe this month will be a time for reflection, what is next, what is lost, what can I do to make a difference.  I feel like I am always searching for that one thing and maybe that thing that I am searching for is somewhere in my own heart.  I have to stop looking outside for the acknowledgment, the support, the tribe that I have longed for , much of my life.  No safe place, no people, just that I know I will make it.  I know that I will keep moving forward and I will find the other side of this sad.

  I promise that I try more than hard not to difficult, not to be pesky.  SO this smile, I will smile, and move through all these seconds. Giving the things that I so need to others, and hoping that they are able to find the things that they long for , somewhere in that I hope the same will come to me.  Somehow , someday, someway.

I HEART YOUR HEART.

I fear that staying quiet goes against everything that I believe.  But I think this time its what is better for my own heart, my own healing.  Its just finding the right place, the right people the right moments.  Here is to finding those things .