Sticky Conversations that make me sad

 Yesterday was another one of those days when things come up, and you least expect it and it makes your heart hurt.  You want to share you want to explain and you can't. All you can get out is well my situation is different.  Yes so very different.  And my heart feels more than heavy. A conversation about dads and being a single mom.  There are so many things that I have in common.  And yet so many things that I can not even explain.  It's these situations that you realize, how different that some things are.  That as much as I fight them, as much as I am ok. As much as I am getting better where I am there are things that are going to hit me so hard, that it takes my breath away and leaves me in silence. Things that can't be spoken, things that are just too hard for some to understand.  And so I don't.  I listen to the conversation and my heart breaks.  Because I can and yet can't relate.  I can relate but can not share why.  I can't relate and can't share why.  These are the conversations that are hard, that blaringly point things out and make me want to curl up in a ball. 

And sometimes its even more than hard to explain when someone doesn't understand where you have come from.  They talk about being a singe parent and child support, and visitation, and their children wanting to meet their father and those are things that I do not understand.   Because for me there will never be visitation, there will never be child support.  Those are things that I will never have to understand and there is a part of me that is so very glad.  But the things that I do have to deal with are just so very big .  They are things that are not a casual conversation, that are not lightly taken that have major implications for my children and I.  To be a part of that conversation when I am included I would have to add things like well I was assaulted , so its very very different.  It's different for me and my kids.  I can't be a part of those conversations.  The feelings and thoughts that come with my experiences are dark and so very heavy. And there is just so much judgement in the things that have happened and how I view things.   

And then of coarse is the issue of dads.  And One of them said I always had my dad so I can't imagine how I would feel and again.  My heart hits the floor.  I had a monster who did nothing but destroy.  As she can't imagine life with out one, I dream of having a good one.  The damage that was done.  I can not even fathom having someone to protect me and keep me safe.  That is not even a thought.  I watch it, and I see it on TC but there are just so many questions that run in my head, and it hurts.  The things that they talk about I can not even imagine.  There are so many things that never make it to sound, light or feeling.  That gets hard, that is also reality. The hard reality that for me some things are just hard. Some things are just unimaginable e and viscous, and  I hold them in my heart.  I try to be a part but sometimes those unimaginable things  blare and there is nothing to do but let them be and move on.  People can't often understand where you have been how you have gotten there but you none the less are there and a part of the conversation.   

I heart your heart .