The other day I reached out to Jason, the pastor from Mercy Church. I am not sure what it is that I needed to hear. I don't know, maybe reassurance that I am doing the right thing. That I am not some awful person for standing up for myself. You see I have for some time been standing up for myself standing in my own truth about church. I understand that is some peoples hearts. But it just isn't mine. I have tried to belong, tried to believe tried to fit in and each time I am the one that gets lost and left out. I have longed for that belonging that safe place and I think I find out, but I think I just want to find it so much that I see things that aren't there. I have enough of that in my life, enough hurt that I am still healing my heart from so much unthinkable. I can not add another thing that fails to keep my heart safe, that fails to be beside me exactly where I am. If I have said it once I have said it a million times, Church and god is not a journey that I can do on my own. I have tried over and over and I could not make it work on my own. I have voiced that, I have asked for help, I have asked questions, I have asked for people to walk along side and be with me. None of that has happened. Sometimes it logistics, sometimes its just out of sight out of mind. Sometimes it just takes to much time. Sometimes people see the adult woman that needs to get over it, stop dwelling, just get involved, and not the scared little girl who had to watch her rapist receive communion on Sundays. THEY DON"T SEE THAT. When it comes to church I am stuck as that little girl who is hearing things about love and devotion and kindness, and I am living everything the opposite. That is a reality. I try to see it though my adult eyes, but there are things left to work through. They talk about Father and unconditional love and you will never be alone; those are not things my heart understands, or come natural. I get attached like a child, I grow then am left. Again would you leave a scared little girl when you get tired ? That is what happens because I am not that little girl anymore The things I have said that I fear the most in all cases; I get left. I so know the time and effort that it takes to walk alongside me, I am sure there are pieces that I am not aware of that are huge. But I do know what I need to thrive to be understood, to be held up in the journey. I will keep walking but I am sure I will need somewhere/someone often supporting the journey maybe even carrying me when my heart is just that heavy. At this point I am not willing to follow something on my own that I can not understand or be supported in. I am expected to see others views on church on god, but my views are not respected in the process.
Jason was pretty awesome and from the first time I spoke with him he was every thing kind and good. But he was also very busy. When we met for coffee, he listened to my heart and knew how I just wanted to be heard. That was more than amazing. All the pieces were there, but life gets busy. People have their lives. They see the adult woman not the scared little girl and I try to make that work, try to fit in. And things got rough, that scared part wasn't seen. So I pulled away, and I move further and further away. And when I reached out to Jason the other day and learned he had left, that he resigned as the pastor, my heart broke some. My heart also became aware that leaving was the right choice for me before I got attached. I met amazing people there that I hope I will always connect with. I stood in my truth and made the right choice for me. That was refreshing.
So today I am learning to stand in my truth and do the things that work for my heart the things that fill me up. This morning I woke up to the hear the beautiful birds singing. That made my heart smile. The things that I can and do believe in with my whole heart. For so long its like I am this awful person if I don't believe how others do and that just doesn't fit me. I am the person that I am because of the life that I have lived. For once , oh for once it feels really good to know that standing up for myself is a good thing. And I am not giving up by any means. Just right now, I have to do what feels right for my heart. And right now I can not and will not add anything that brings more shame and disappointment. I will always hold hope that someday, SOMEDAY I will find just what I am looking for. If you are going to church today be happy. If you are staying home be happy. If you are making your heart happy. YES do that.
I will do the work, I am a fighter I just need someone there beside me.
I HEART YOUR HEART
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