Here again

I have been staring at this blank post for what feels like a very long time.  I am searching my brain for the right words; the careful words that won't hurt anyone's feelings and I can't seem to find them. The things that I want to scream at shout are burning in the pit of my mind. I am tired of talking and tired of getting treated badly.  I am tired of the self centeredness and lack of empathy and kindness towards others.  Being a single mom right now is more of a challenge and who in the hell am I supposed to reach out to? There is no one.   I am staying calm offering choices, offering help and I get nothing but nasty and I want to scream.  I want to make him sit and hear me, all the things that I have to say until there are no words left to come out.  Nothing I do is enough, and he is mean. Even often cruel.  He cares for no ones feelings and treats every one as if they are the dirt beneath his feet and its heartbreaking.  Tonight on the way home from work, I was trying to help offer suggestions, of coarse I was the one that was stupid for not understanding.  So that is fine, he can go to the bank himself on Monday and figure it out.  He is so very hurtful, that sometimes I literally want to walk away and never come back.  I cry there is nothing I tell him what is bothering me I get nothing. I try to talk to him from my heart nothing.  I tell him over and over that I will do anything for him, all I ask for is a little kindness and yet there is so very little.  I did not raise him like this and I want desperately to understand.  It's like every time I reach out he is there like a cactus ready to tell me all that I do wrong, all the ways that I don't listen and it gets very old.  He is more than hurtful.  His head is lucky that it can fit through the door, Mr.Wonderful, who knows everything.  Well my sweet son I am not sure what has happened.  I don't know where your sweetness went. I don't know where that kind heart is, but I miss him.  I did not raise a bully and the things that you laugh at and make fun of are not ok.  I catch a glimpse every now and then and I cherish it, but then in a flash its gone and that self centered unkind boy is back.  I am here I am always here, but how you treat me is not ok.  How you are disrespectful and rude is not ok.  I am your mom and I love you more than life, and how you treat me is not ok.  You break my heart and someday someway I hope that you are going to be able to understand and be kind to your mom, because I am the only one that you have.  I may not be the one that you wanted, that you treasure.  I am the only one you have and kindness and respect is never too much to ask. 

My son I so love you and you break my heart. I love you I love you I love you . Mom

I heart your heart.