She's been blocked

I think that I am writing this, hoping that maybe it will lessen the ache, the pain the sadness of the relationship with my mom.  I am not sure why it happened tonight, why it made sense but it did.  I have realized that I have blocked her. There is a huge part of me that doesn't feel safe around her.  I should be safe in my on home, I should feel peace.  I should be able to trust the people that I live with. My heart knows that there are times that she tries to get in, times that she wants to be a part but there are just too many things in the way right now, maybe forever.  There are to many things unsaid, to many feelings and emotions that have been stepped on and ignored.  I think this is one area of my life that feels so very fragile. As a daughter its heartbreaking, it literally breaks my heart in pieces. A girl wants her mom that person that is always on her side I don't have that.  She is not in my corner, cheering me on.  She competes with every move that I make. I do not feel like I can count on her, I do not feel like we are in this life together.  She is not a support or a person that I trust.  I do not like the person that she is, I love her with my whole heart, I will take care of her but I will not, can not let her in.  We had been back in each others lives for such a short time and we thought that living together was a great idea. It was good to visit, spend an occasional night then she went home, and that is what worked. I had my home, she had her home we each had our space.  I bought this big house so she would have her own living room, and we would each have our own space.  That is not how things have worked out.   I want to do life how I want to do it, I have earned that.  I have fought really hard to create the place to call my own with my things that make me happy.  So many many life experiences were taken before their time, and this is my time to live and laugh and be the person that I am.  There have been a lot of things in this life that I have never gotten to experience, its this sense of competition with her.  There is such a power struggle, when all  I want is to be.  Being in my own home doing the things that I want to do.  Doing the things that are best for me and my children. I love to do my laundry, and carefully fold the towels; matching each seem. I love the rug belonging in a certain spot, and the pillows placed just right.  I love doing my dishes and keeping the kitchen clean.  I love things neat and in their own place where they are meant to be.  Those things make me happy, I am not less than because of the way I do things, it just makes me happy.  I love to turn my music on loud and sing at the top of my lungs. I love to dance like no one is watching. I love to sit in my chair and take a nap because I can.  I love to sit and chill listening to my music and talking with Mariska about anything and everything, I love to talk about conspiracy theories, and watch murder mysteries. Only in my house someone is always watching and always judging and always wanting to give me their input.  I can promise you its too late for that.  This place in my heart is so tender,  I have worked so hard building a life for the kids and I. I have overcome so much and clawed my way back to life  I know I can let her into that place; my sacred place.  She has been blocked.  I need to know that people are there and in my corner.  I need to have that unconditional love and I don't.  There are strings, and secrets and things I grew up with , that are not OK in my life anymore.  I don't want to think this is forever, but I am not holding my breath.  I am a cycle breaker, and I have chosen to do things different. She has chosen to stay in the cycle doing and believing as she always has, not thinking about anyone else.  I just will not live that way.



I heart your heart