Layers of healing

Its unbelievable the many many layers of healing.I remember there was a time I thought there was going to be an endpoint to healing when everything would magically be behind me!   I do not believe that anymore, it kind of makes me sad.  I thought there would come a time when every emotion, feeling, thought, nightmare and trigger would be gone and somehow I would feel whole and worthy.  What in the world was I thinking ?    I think for a time I have been on the same layer making everything fit together, trying to fit pieces together and give them a place to rest. I think a few pieces may even have found their home, and that is great.  At the same time there are also pieces still looking for that moment when they too will find their place. But the thing about layers is that , there is no completion of one layer before moving on to the next.  Sometimes they are fluid and fold into each other working on different things at different levels.  I feel like I am stepping into a different layer and things are hard and unpredictable.  I think I have been in that last layer for what feels like forever! I understand so much at one layer and feel like I am clueless on the next. Stepping into this next layer is exciting seeing how far I have come, and terrifying because its unknown, because I am seeing things , and realizing things I never have before.  I am grateful to be stepping forward and so scared.  What if this is the level that I m not strong enough for ?  What if this is the level that breaks me ?  What if this is the level that I don't come out of ?  What if I fail and it takes me longer than i would like ?  So many questions.  I am getting angry at myself, beyond frustrated, believing that there are some things I should know. That some of the things need to make sense if they were true once before , they are still true now. So in one layer I get it it makes sense and yet another letter I become a bubbling idiot again !   Just so many layers to unravel and disentangle.  I know I have come a long way, I know that I have made good choices for myself. I have to learn to be OK with the choices that I face ahead;  With the things that I will face, and the mountains yet to climb.  So many things in this life of mine are so tangled in others.  I feel like if I look at this one piece then it leads me to another and another and another.  I think I am looking at things deeper, and working oh so hard to be able to put them to rest.  I won't say let go, because I can't; I will have pieces and feel the things that have happened to me all my life.  These things and everything they hold and everything they represent are layers are me, whether I like it or not and as I can I will look at each one and be all the better for it .   

I heart your heart.