The difficulty of the mask

It seems that everyday there is more talk of wearing a mask; what that means ans what it looks like. The state of the world and being that we are in a pandemic, masks are a way of life. There are so many different views and opinions. Some think it's stupid, some think it's necessary. Some are making it political while others are making it about health. The arguments for both sides are plenty and everyone has an opinion.  I t seems that no one cares about the other side, at all.

I am here reflecting, trying to find the right words to convey my thoughts, my heart on this subject and the emotions are plenty. I fear being pesky or people thinking I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I have made comments about wearing a mask being difficult, and get responses well that is just what we have to do right now.  I understand that, and that is also the reason that I am safely staying in my house. For me the idea of masks is crushing, and I am overwhelmed.   The mere thought makes my heart ache. For me there is nothing simple about having to wear a mask.  I know that I can't be the only one, there are others and I don't think that any one of us is being recognized right now.  

I have stayed home for the most part since March. Only going out when necessary, and only twice since the mask order has been put into effect.  The first time I had to go to the grocery store, and the second for a Dr appointment.  The entire time my mind was running a million miles an hour, my heart was racing and my mind was doing everything possible to keep from running and curling up in a ball .  I was trying to focus on getting the things that I needed while at the same time, the past running slapping me in the face with great force each breath I take.  When I was hurt, my mouth was often forcibly covered, and I felt like i couldn't breathe.  There were other times when I could feel my attackers breath on my face and breathing in a mask is to me that same feeling.  So as I am wearing a mask memories repeat. I am trying to focus and be a part of the world, while feeling like I am being assaulted over and over and over again.  Often the memories are on repeat in my head but I am able to ignore the physical and the memory becomes pictures that are almost commonplace.  With the mask there are the pictures or memories but then there is also the physical and that part along with the pictures is suffocating.  In my head I see what is happening, I feel their breath, I can hear their words and things start to get fuzzy,  I just don't want to go back there. With each breath it feels like there is less and less breath in the room and I wonder if this is the time that I won't make it.  that this last breathe is it, they have stolen my last bit of air.

Now that Summer is ending,  School will be starting, I will be going back to work and to say that I am terrified is putting it mildly. I worry how I am going to handle having to wear my mask daily.  I am going to have to wear my mask daily in my workplace with my students .  When I am alone in my classroom, there will be a break, I worry if that will be enough.  I worry about being present when there is violence running through my head.  I am sure I will get into a routine, but the exhaustion level after fighting the memories and physical sensations all day is going to be great on my mind, heart and spirit.  I am so looking forward to seeing my little guys, and getting to teach.  I worry how I am going to make it;  teaching and being there for my students when I feel like I am in pieces fighting my past.  

I heart your heart.