The loneliest little girl and the loneliest whale

 

Today I was asked where little Callahan was, if I had seen her. I cried, because I miss her.  I cried because she hasn't been around.  I cried because the lonely is huge and I feel more than alone.  Little Callahan is that fighter part of me; that part that took over when things got unimaginable.  We were a team somehow making it through the life that we were dealt. It was always the two of us, I always had someone even when I didn't like her for the things we experienced. There was a time that I hated her, despised her even. The thought of her made my stomach churn ;but ever so slowly, she became closer and closer, and I didn't hate her as much. Closer still she became the little girl that I was grateful for. She was the little girl who knew the things I knew and never left my side.  The little girl that helped me , the little girl that knew all the things that I did and never went away, even when I was most unkind. I feel like we had such a short time together, when it felt good having her, when I wanted to care for her.  Someone would always say she is you and you is her.  I had to realize that we were one in the same and that our little mind did what it could to make life doable.  Hard for anyone to comprehend, she was so separate so  far and still she was always there.   I feel like I was just getting to know her feeling comfortable and just like that   I didn't /don't know where she went and I wonder why I can't find her. I would give almost anything to hold her and tell her how grateful that I am. I do not believe that  I would have survived with out her help. I really feel like I need her, more than I ever have.  

So where is she,  I think she went to Florida. That sounds so definitive for something that is a part of who I am, that I can not find.  She went to find the loneliest whale in the whale and make her feel better.  She went to where her heart was/is and will always be happy.  She went to where she felt a connection and that was always with animals, and sometime later it was whales, always the whales.  So If could go anywhere for some peace for some understanding that is where I would go, and maybe she did too. 

I wish that I was better able to understand this, integration and the process.It feels out of reach; and   often is so confusing, even crazy-making.  How can I miss a part of who I am? How can I miss a part that was there all the time This Little Callahan that is a part of me and yet I can see her outside like another little human. Like you see your dog sitting beside you I would see little Callahan, my constant companion through it all. I wish that there was a way for me to explain that, that would make sense and I wouldn't get put into a padded cell. I understand that she is a part of me, I know that she helped me survive the unthinkable. I see the two of us like a team when I was overwhelmed she took over when she was overwhelmed I took over  I do know in my head that she was that little part of me that fighter that never gave up.  I wish there was a way to somehow simplify this for my own heart.  How can I literally cry like I lost something because I can't see her right now ? I can picture where she is going, what she wants and yet I can't feel her and am lonely.  Yea, that is confusing.  I just want her close, I want to feel connected and present. I am just so, so lonely.  I want her to be by my side as we continue to grow and become amazing whole women. We are working on it !