Its Thursday and Saturday already feels heavy. One of those anniversaries that bites you in the ass. I get angry at myself because I don't understand. I have the biggest blessings I have the two most awesome kids who are turning into amazing people what right do I have to have a heavy heart? And that is the biggest struggle because I would do it again to have them. But the sadness for me is unbearable. On this day I want things to stop I want the world to acknowledge the heaviness and celebrate in the joy. There was ME, I just wanted to be normal. I was blessed with them, who make my life all worth it. And there is us, the family that we have that we are trying to conquer and understand the world one day at a time.
I keep coming back to the fact that I just wanted normal that day. I wanted to have lunch laugh, and just be. I wanted to be pretty, do my hair, smell good. I just wanted to be excited and have someone be nice . I wanted to feel like I mattered, that someone even wanted to have lunch with me. I just wanted to be normal do normal things, feel normal act normal just be a normal person for one little afternoon. But wanting that so badly, got me hurt. Wanting normal has always gotten me hurt. Forever and ever the things that I longer for being normal were things that were not seen as normal, were not seen as important and that is hard to wrap my head around even today. In my head wanting normal isn't ok because that fear of being hurt that fear that someone will tale what isn't theirs is huge and I am more than scared.
My track record of making it through hard days is 100% and today was no different. Today was rough a few tears but I made it. Another August 22. I don't believe in fairy tales any more but I believe I have found what works for me. I could not be any more grateful for my children. Started the day with tears, then Vincent showing me his game. Ended the day the three of us laughing in the kitchen and Mariska and I laughing as she crawled into bed with the dogs and I. The unimaginable and the blessing all in one day. And I found a response from a few years ago from someone close to my heart that says it all : You've come a long way Callahan. 
"Sherri not many people have the capacity for such sadness and joy simultaneously, never mind the ability to stand in their integrity and feel both so intensely. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met. You are not your past - you are what you have made of life in spite of it. You and your beautiful children are such blessings to each other. I admire you, dear lady 
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