This is more than difficult. Normal life things are not for me. I am an outlier, I am different, I am something other than. I am not saying that I have it worse off; I am not saying that I am better or worse. I am saying that I don't fit in. I am saying that the lenses that I see the world through are tainted by unimaginable fear and disgust. I fear wanting normal things, because normal things get me hurt; normal things get things taken away from me that I don't want to give. Wanting ,needing, craving normal life things gets me hurt every time. Like wearing my fathers shirt, listening to music, dancing with a boy, dare I say even a date, a kiss. All I have ever wanted was to feel that I mattered, that I meant something that I was wanted. Wanting normal life things is dangerous, for those kind of things have led to a hurt that is so deep and so intense it is hard to see to the other side. Connection is dangerous, wanting to belong wanting to be loved, liked and included has left me bruised and battered. My need for wanting a piece of normal in my life has left me with a deepest sadness and a sense of terminal loneliness.
People say reach out, ask for what you need. I have done that and my heart has gotten torn to shreds. I have been on the receiving end of the worst words , the worst jokes, and still I kept going . I have had others laugh in my face at my fears ;laugh at the things that make me ME. I have gone through this life mostly alone. Not totally alone, at times I have had people, but the second that Callahan starts asking the hard questions, asking for honesty and loyalty and understanding; people simply vanish. When I no longer serve their need I am left out in the cold. No explanation, no words just a silence that is deafening. Each and every time I am crushed and convince myself that I am meant to be alone. Until that aloneness becomes unbearable and again I put my heart on the line. And each time I say, I will never ever be hurt like that again; yet I do. But the need to belong, to feel that I am worth something wins and I reach out open arms wanting the world. There are people that have stayed, there are people that are forever, its just that those people are far away. With my crazy life I need those kind of people in my everyday.
I have a list of the moments when I just wanted to be included, be special, be a part of something and 9 times out of 10 I was made to feel like I had done something terribly wrong. I was made to feel like i was less than for wanting what they had. I was made to feel like I was not worth anyone's time attention or energy. Most often the feeling that I had was that I was simply a bother or a pest, I was just someone that got in the way. I have had that feeling for as long as i can remember. I very rarely felt that sense of belonging, like I could just be.
Growing up there was the feeling that boys were more important, they were to be valued. Girls were a threat, there was a sense of competition growing up that I wanted nothing to do with. I spent my entire younger years trying to keep everyone safe and yet was left alone to fend for myself among monsters of men. I was never noticed, never heard. I never felt that I was important just because of who I was; who I was, was never OK. I never had value for the mere reason that I was a living breathing little girl, that just wanted to be loved, that was something for others. I never had any value other than making sure that I did what I was told, and cleaned up the mess. My job was a Secret keeper, make everyone happy no matter the cost.
As far back as I can remember there was no normal for me. I was always so needy and such a burden, that was my forever feeling. That was a constant needing so much, and always coming up short having to take care of myself. I do not remember a time not feeling like a burden, I knew that my world was too heavy to share. So I was quiet and carried my burdens well, because there was no other way. Even in kinder when everyone was dancing and having fun I was judging the surroundings not wanting to bring attention to myself, fearing that I would do the wrong thing. That was so early, I never liked being a little girl, I never liked being in my own skin. I never loved little painted toes, I never loved looking pretty, I never was comfortable being me. Being in my skin was painful. There was no kindness no gentleness. When there was gentle it led to violence and I went away. I never had many friends besides the imaginary little boy who lived by the fence. I can remember a few friends, people that I took care of. I remember Candy, she had terrible teeth and a laugh that I will never forget. She needed a coat, it was so cold so I made sure she got one. There was Angela whose parents were going through a divorce, I would make her laugh and tell her it was going to be OK. She was skinny skinny , I was not and it didn't matter. I would find those that needed a friend but even they left. Maybe they moved away maybe we grew apart either way, I felt I did something , because just like that I was forgotten. As an adult the same thing. There were a few times I was comfortable thought that I had a place thought that I fit in, but then sides are chosen, I am left out. No longer called, no longer included and my heart gets crushed. Conversations had behind my back, and just like that Callahan is out. For so long I tried to stay connected, I tried to reach out be that friend, be that listening ear. I always went so out of my way for them , but there was no thank you or anything. I was the one who watched the kids as they all went to listen to a friend sing, I was that girl. I don't believe like they do I believe in kindness and being a good person they believe in God and if you don't then you are not welcomed. It's all so many experiences like that.I do believe there were moments of value, but they were fleeting, as long as I followed the crowd, we were good. The second I found my voice, they forgot. They say if they do that then they are not your friends to begin with. That may be true but it sure doesn't make the pain any easier to take.
There are people on my team that I love, that I belong with and I am grateful. Oh my sweet friend Meri, she is a lifesaver. A person in my life that can ask who I am and I can tell her my butt hurts and we laugh! She gets me, and I am grateful. I need more of that. I need more people like that, that fill my soul and can enjoy my crazy, can hear my sad and love me because I am just me.
The normal thing that I want :
I want to be included, to be heard. To be respected and my views taken seriously. I want to be loved, for who I am not because of what I can do for you. I need my fears heard and for them to be ok, its just a part of who I am. I want understanding. I want comfort. I want lots and lots of laughing. I want to know that I matter, that I am not replaceable. Someday I want to find love. I want to be the most important person to someone that would give me the world if they could. I want to be someones first choice. I want to someone to care for this heart all the time even when I am sure that I am not so lovable. I want someone to smile when I say save the whales and know that it comes from the deepest part of my soul. I want someone who can understand the tears, and hug me a little longer until I feel like everything is ok. I want to laugh hard, and love harder. I want someone that wants to understand the things I am most passionate about. I want to feel like I matter when I can give you nothing in return. I want others to reach out, ask me who I am. I want others to ask hard questions and be ok with the hard answers back. I want kindness, because I have not had near enough in this lifetime. I want all of these things even on the days when I want to crawl in a hole. I want all of these things, maybe someday I will feel them. I can hear the words, that I matter, that I am valued and that is so hard. So many years of unkindness that I don't understand. I will never understand how I have not been valued, how I have been blown to the trees, all the while reaching back. I am learning to reach forward, learning to believe in the good things today even as loud as the old voices are. I think the challenge lies in never hearing the good voices, before the bad. The bad voices, messages were all I ever heard in my little life. I was useless, unworthy, pesky and I got in the way.
Someday I will believe I have value, someday I will believe that I am enough just as the person that I am.
Someday. Someday. Someday. Someday.
I heart your heart.
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