Ablaze

 It is August and I feel the day coming. It feels heavy and looming and I need reassurance that I am not dragging this out, dwelling on it.   Vincent and Mariska started their junior year and there is excitement and a bit of sad that they are so growing up.  August 22; The day that was everything awful but gave me everything wonderful. I heard this song Ablaze and I cry. A conflict in the fabric of life, yes, so much that. This was not how things were supposed to be.   I hope that my children know that hell or high water I am always there for them.  They are the light of life, the ones that keep me going the ones that make me even want to be on this earth. To deal with the sadness to deal with all the hurt and the pain. For me I am trying to focus on the things that make me strong, on the ones who make every breath I take bearable.  In so many ways before them I was slowly withering away.  I didn't care, nothing mattered. Then there was them and I came alive again.  They were literally all that mattered,  and life was manageable, life had a purpose.  I was going to be their mom and that was the only thing that mattered. I feel like this is a day in my life that needs to be honored for everything that it was. The assault  itself. The fear and heartbreak. The sadness, and even the place that I went , that blackness beyond any words that I might have. Then also for my pregnancy that I carried to 38 weeks and had two healthy amazing babies; 5'9 and 6"4 , that came home with me two days later. All of those things need to be honored and respected . Each and every one of those things needs time and space to heal. I am left wondering if there is enough time and space in the world for the peace I am searching for.  I am in a place that I never imagined and so much farther than I ever thought that I would be and yet I still long for better.  I know my children have had things better then I ever had. I hope that their children will have things even better than them.   I wish for a partner, I wish for grandchildren and family get together's and happy careers and everything that fairy tales are made of.  

The assault has always been something that I have made small, that I have glossed over.  I mean he wasn't mean, he wasn't brutal like some have been in the past, he just didn't listen. Right?   Even writing I see every moment and I was so confused I literally didn't understand. I was so excited I was going to be normal go out to lunch help him shop , that is all I ever wanted.  I took my shower got ready, I was so happy, I can still remember that feeling that I was going to do something normal like everyone else. I remember him showing up late, he smelled of cologne and cigarettes.  I wish I remembered how we managed to end up in my room. I know that I pointed out the mobile in my doorway, it was supposed to keep evil doers away. Guess that didn't work did it?!?  And we kind of laughed.  He was huge , very broad shoulders, he was 6'4 and way taller than me and his muscles on his arms were huge.  We are supposed to go shopping, I said it over and over. I can remember laughing a little like what are you doing.   I didn't understand and having sex with him was the furthest thing from my mind.  My mind was racing and I kept repeating myself but no we are supposed to go shopping, over and over until no words came out anymore because I knew that it didn't matter. I remember him rolling on his sun glasses and breaking them.  And it was like he didn't even care, he was like oh well and didn't miss a beat.  And things get blurry,  I know I repeated myself over and over until there were no words, and there was a second when I realized he had no intentions of ever taking me to lunch or shopping.  I remember him on top of me, my mind totally confused a part of me wanting to fight but that other part that said this is what happens to you.  I feel like there are pieces I don't have, and the next thing I knew that orange pillow fell on my face, and I was gone.  I was in that blackness far away where there is no pain, no light, no hurt, its just nothing.  I stayed there until he as done. The next thing that I remember he climbed off was putting his pants on.  I can remember staring at his feet as he put his sandals on, I hate feet , and is were ugly. My mind in shock, I didn't have a clue what to do.  I remember walking him to the door and he made some comment about how shiny his beautiful BMW was, and just like that left. I closed and locked the door and went to my bed and cried until I don't remember anything else. A conflict in the fabric of life.  Life isn't supposed to be made with someone taking what wasn't given. 

Two weeks later, right away the morning sickness.  I felt so awful. It was someone at work that said you are so pregnant.  That wasn't even a thought. And my mind went to Charles.  There was panic and fear . History repeating itself, what was I going to do. I thought awful things about myself and how I let this happen. I had thoughts about what a fucking slut that I was, how did I let this happen.  I blamed myself for wanting to have normal things, had I not learned anything that normal life things are /were never meant for me.  I took a test and it was positive. No 2 minute wait , right away two lines. My mom was away, and thought I had the flu.  I can remember laying on the floor with my only friend, my dog Rizzo and crying and crying, I had no idea what was next, reality has not set in.  I can remember him putting his face on my arm and I petted his head and I kept asking what in the world I was going to do. That was the only time that I cried, those hard sad tears for me, for what was taken.  That was the only time i felt the weight that there were two little lives growing in my womb and counting on me.  So Dr appointments are made.  Mean words are spoken and I no longer thought about what happened to me everything became about my babies and making sure that they were safe and sound. I never spoke a word about what was done to me, they were all that mattered.  I locked it away for long time, never speaking a word about what happened to me.  James was the first person who even gave it words.  I remember so clear, Did he rape you ? And the tears and excuses and the harsh words for myself.  My thoughts couldn't get away from "Did he rape you", because in my head I was the slut that somehow asked for it,  because I wanted so badly just to be normal and do normal things. I thought Charles was my ticket for normal. He was not. 

  I can remember my first Dr appointment and he started asking about the father.  Me not even thinking thought he was talking about my father.  Like it took me a few questions,  and then oh I don't know.  I don't have that information that you want.  I think the harder that I tried to ignore, the more it came up.  I can remember being at health and human services and the woman threw a pen at me because I didn't have any information.  Thy wanted to go after child support.  I wanted to keep my babies safe and sound. And each 6 month when it comes times to renew food stamps I have to once again tell them that I didn't know the father and don't have the information that they wanted and my heart would sink, because it so wasn't the fairy tale but they made me feel useless and worthless and everything in between.  Every 6 months I dreaded that call and being treated like a whore.  They treated me like i did this on purpose and was a burden to all.  That feeling was heart wrenching. Then I would see those sweet smiles, those little feet and those coos and it was all worth it, this was all for them.  

I have had people say the most awful things as they were a little older.  Like I should have kept my legs shut, by some pastor at a church.  It was told to my mother and why would she tell me, did she mean to put another crack in my already fragile heart?  Like I made my bed now I had to lie in it, from a counselor when I was overwhelmed with caring for them and school and my mom.  Those things are still etched in my heart.  I am sure there are parts and pieces that believe them.  Their words just reinforcing the things I have told myself since he walked out the door admiring his red BMW. 

In just a short 6 days, the day my life changed will be here once again.

17 years ago 6,210 days ago I was raped and I got pregnant with my twins. 

 

Its time to stop feeling so ashamed, worthless and so less than because of his choices . That was his choice, to not listen to me. 

My choice was to be a mom and give them all the things that I never had. The best decision I have ever made in this world. 

The two most important people in my world, that I would do anything for.  The two that make life worth everything.  Today my heart aches.  I wanted everything perfect.  Someday I hope that we talk openly and we can share and I can help you understand.  I hope you always know how loved you have always been. 

 I heart your heart. 

Alanis Morissette Ablaze.  For my Children this is for you. I hope someday you can understand my heart. You could not be more loved.