When your insides ache

 
This ache inside of me is fierce and splitting.  I am such a fighter but there are times when I  just can't fight anymore. I want to  lay down my sword. I want it all to stop. I want the memories and pictures to be gone.  I want the physical sensations to be something I don't understand. I want the emptiness to be filled with that feeling that all is well with the world. There are too many unknowns right now and I feel it in all that I do. Even so many of the things that were my always are different and that is hard.  Nothing is the same and it seems like everything is up in the air.  I get these moments , where I get a breathe of fresh air but it seems that in the next second, its clouded and what I thought I knew is out the window. I like to know what is coming and what to expect, during these times that is not an option.  I never thought I would say this but I miss people. Some people.  I miss being able to help others, to reach out to observe and get out of my head. I miss getting at least some input from others outside of my house.  

During this time there are new experiences and expectations and I worry that I am enough. Am i smart enough to do all the things that need to get done.    Am I a good enough teacher, to do all the things that I need to do.  Am I going to be enough ?  Will I learn things fast enough, for those that will be judging my every move?  I just don't know. I worry about my own mind and wearing a mask and being strong enough to do it all and do it all well.  I worry about my health and staying safe for my family.  I worry that things just won't be ok.

Home is still the same there are stressors that are so far beyond my control, my insides are screaming at the most small upsets.  My mother is the same, self centered and obsessed with her health every second of every day.  Each day there are new ailments ! Some days she will use her walker some days not! Some days she walks with her cane others not, some days she wear her brace others not. All the time its a poor me, and I don't do that well.  Home is stressful and there is no end, no break.  She tries to takeover redoing things and making more work for everyone.  Home is hard, very hard.  Even today there was a comment about me taking Vincent to work, when she knows that I am working.  No concern for others at any time.  Welcome to my life. 

I don't feel well and I am not sure what is going on. I have to go to a surgeon for the cyst that has to be removed only since my deductible is so high, its all out of pocket.  It hurts all the time and I am scared and I don't have a clue what to do.  I just don't feel good, I even went to the Dr last week.  You know I am not great if I actually go.  She wanted blood work done. So not feeling well i actually called the office but there were no orders and the front desk wanted me to make another appointment no, I told her Jan just wanted lab work she didn't listen I was overwhelmed and hung up. Nothing worse than not being listened to.  

So many things on my plate. So much up in the air and its crushing.  My insides ache and there is nothing that can take that away right now. 

I heart your heart