No one asks where I am

 

You see a 45 year old should not have a parent live with them. The stress that puts on a relationship is insanely huge. There is no break. Then you add the anger of growing up in a house where the silence was deafening, where things were ignored, I was overlooked and made to feel like my needs didn't mater, add that up and I am one hell of a mess. I am not ok, these last few weeks have been insanely hard. And no one asks. No one Checks  in to see how you are, and I can promise you, I am not ok. Right now is a struggle fighting so many old thoughts, fighting the need to spill my guts get the things out that are tearing at me soul. That is such a bind. I have this incredible need to talk about the unthinkable and that scares the shit out of me, because I also need someone to hear all that I can't say  and I hate that. But no one asks.

There is a part of me that hates not being ok; I am so tired of smiling and saying that I am. I can't smile when my insides are being twisted and torn anymore. I literally don't want to wake up, and that is not saying I want to die or anything. Its just the things that are on my heart and in my mind are just so incredibly heavy. Maybe this is just a tough spot, and I can't see the other side. But I need a break, and a breather.  The headaches and bruises are back. I am not sure why I don't weigh less, either I don't eat for days or I eat just to feel something other than sadness. Right now there is nothing that takes away that intense feeling of shame, guilt and Wretchedness that is ingrained in my very being. I want to scream at the world just how not ok that I am. I literally could scream for a million lifetimes, and still not have the words. After years and years of saying, I'm fine, I'm good. Yea, what bullshit. I am not ok, and I am not sure I know what that means and how I am supposed to react. I can tell you about my worst day, then ask how you are. I don't think people understand how not ok that I am. I am not sure what to do with that.

There is this insane need to keep saying it, I am not ok; I am so not ok. I keep hoping that maybe it will sink in hoping maybe someone will see past all the ways I pretend that I am fine.  Sometimes I wonder what that final straw will be, and people will finally believe just how not ok that I feel inside. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. The things that go through my mind, the pictures of violence that I see.    There is not help , not support. That's just how it is but that doesn't make it hurt any less. No one asks how's your heart, want some tea? Parents were made to visit, not be permanent. There isn't help or support, but such self centeredness, that completely tears me apart. 

I have this insane need to be seen to be heard, to be told that I am not so terrible.  I need someone to stay more than ever, and as a 45 year old I can't do that . I am convinced that right now, I would be that little one screaming not to be left alone at day care, that would be me. Please please don't leave I need you. At 45 that is not an option, and that kind of breaks my heart because that is something I will always long for and something I also believe that I will never have . That is where I am. Alone and not ok. 

                                                                       I heart you heart