Notice everything notice nothing

 

That's how it goes.  I notice everything, they notice nothing. I feel like this has been a curse my entire life. I have always noticed everything from the smallest details, to the blaring things that others miss. I notice it all. I notice when you don't talk to me, I notice your gaze wanting to be somewhere else. I notice more than you could ever imagine. I notice the foot steps in the hall, and the light left on. I notice when out of nowhere I am included , then just like that I am not. I note things in the wrong place, and when something is missing. I notice, EVERYTHING!! And often my heart is crushed. I notice the way you come in and how you leave. I notice how you ask questions, and get quiet. I notice the whispers, and closed doors, and the judgement. 

I notice it all and often feel like I should just crawl back in some hole, because I am not the kind of person that fits in. I am not the person that is loud, or wants to be seen. I am not the joined, the one who knows what's going on. I see things different, I see the world often through younger eyes, a kills girl who knows of terrible things. Sometimes its her eyes, I see the world through. Then there are times I know the world isn't so dangerous, and see things like a 45 but with trauma goggles. So I notice everything. 

When things feel out of control, I notice even more as if that is humanly possible! I don't understand, hoe people can be so blind to things right in front of them. Lately the noticing for me is overwhelming, the headaches are back, the wanting to scratch my skin clean. The panic in the shower, The panic that every little noise is a disaster waiting to happen. 

Maybe someday, I won't notice so much, maybe someday there will be more peace. Maybe someday. But for today, I notice Everything.

I heart your heart.