I know I can never go back, never get back all that was taken. Maybe the police Would have someone to help me fill in the missing pieces. Maybe they could get information that I don't have. Maybe they could find out about Bella. What happened twhen in the ER? What did they do? Who was there with me? Was there a service a funeral for her little life? Did anyone acknowlege her? Did they know her name was Bella??Maybe there would be someone to fight for me. To get some kind of Justice for a girl merely 13, raped not just once , not twice, but 3 times. But the thing is the second one was a gang rape, 5 men hour after hour after hour. And the final time how do I defend knowing what was going g to happen so I just laid down, unbuttoning my pants! Who does that and presses charges, oh the questions they would ask. What did they do, how did you meet them? What parts were where, what did I do how long were they there, who did I tell? I have never spoken out loud all that was done and I am not sure I could do it. There is no evidence, no DNA that is left. I am only left with choppy memories, and the nightmares of things I do remember.
I have been thinking . so very much and really Don and Andy are the ones that are in my mind, that have a grip on who I am.. The other 3 were just turn takers. They were there laughing hurting raping, I am not sure I would know what they looked like. How would that be received, I should be able to tell you who raped me for hours on end! But I cant. Don was the leader, the most evil. He was exceptionally cruel, the things he did, the things he said , he was a monster in every sense of the word. He was exceptionally hurtful, not an ounce of care in his body. He liked what he did, it made him feel powerful. Andy was kind, gentler. He didn't want to be there and didn't want to hurt me. I think that Andy was just as afraid as I was. He treated me like a person. He gave me a blanket, there were times he told the others to stop, when it became more brutal. When I was between them being hurt men everywhere, he told them to stop. When they all had their private time in the bedroom, Andy didn't hurt me he cleaned me up, didn't take his turn. He was the reason I survived. It was because of him. I would never want him in jail. He was like me scared and just wanting it to be over.
I know that pressing charges is a long shot, and so many people involved that ignored, that didn't do their job. I feel like the questions only lead to more questions. I've already gone through the justice system, did I not learn anything. I would worry about Andy, maybe he's the reason, he wasn't like the others. I feel some things are never meant to be spoken, This isn't meant for attorneys, detectives , this isn't something that will ever be resolved. There isn't anything that would change what was done to me. The thought that somehow there would be some kind of relief just isn't true. It happened, almost destroyed me, unimaginable things were done to me.. My job now until I die is keep fighting, someday peace will come even without the justice system..Somethings are meant to be kept no matter how dark they are. This is one of those dark things.
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