I really used to love this show. I loved the idea of going back in time and helping someone in need. I loved the idea that something was to big too overwhelming and someone stepped in for you to change the way that things happened. There was one episode that stood out. It was titled Raped. This girl went on a date was assaulted, she wasn't believed. Sam stepped in to help and then he comes back trying to hurt her angry that she spoke out, that she used her voice, took him to court. I can remember watching it and crying. I can remember waiting for it to be on again, and copying it on the DVD player. I wanted nothing more than to be cared for . I wanted someone so badly to take my side and help me though everything that was going. What was next what was expected. I was a scared 13 year old kid doing it all on her own and I was terrified. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing, but I kept smiling and kept moving forward. This show showed me that support and help could happen.
The other day I was thinking , how I wish someone had done that for me. I wish that one person stepped up and did the right thing. I wanted someone to hear me and guide me . So if I were going to change a part of my story, this is one part that I would change. In changing this one thing, so many other things would have happened and things would have been better for me, I would have gotten the help that I needed back when I was 13. I would have felt heard, I would have been listened to . I would have been able to get it all out and maybe even get at least a little bit of my childhood back.
This is what I would do, this is what I would want to happen in my world.
So my counselor right now is one in a million, he is there and hears me. I feel like I have found a forever and that is a good thing. I feel like so many have let me down, and I think he gets it, he sees me and knows where I am coming from. I have found a good one to help me through this mess that was my childhood.
So if I had a chance for things to be different, I would have him be that counselor sitting in front of my parents and I instead of Gary Carpenter. Gary was not what I needed and offered no help. He sat there across from the three of us, his legs crossed and asked me only one question the entire time. He asked me how many there were. I replied 5. That was it. No response and no more questions. That was all, that was the only time he spoke directly to me. The only thing that was said to me. The rest of the session was spent me imagining I was anywhere else but sitting on that couch. There was a huge window behind the couch and my mind was focused on imaging what my escape would look like. That never happened, I sat there feeling like I had done something terribly wrong, and wanting the world to end. I sat there wishing that they had killed me because people knew and I was not being kept safe or protected. I was not being believed or supported in any way. Not one person took me in their arms and said they were sorry. I needed that more than anything. I needed to be held and believed.
So I guess this was a dream a wish the way that I wish it could have been.
I would have had Mark as the counselor. When I was there sitting in my mother and father , I would I would want him there on my side. I would want him to talk to me and ask me questions until I was able to get it all out.I would want him to dig deeper and help me understand that I am not so gross and disgusting. I would want my parents to be asked to leave so that I could talk and he could hear me. I would be able to talk about all the things that I still can't talk about today because I am just too ashamed. Then my parents would come in and get told all about what needs to happen. I would be in a different room with a stuffed animal and someone making sure that I was taken care of. Then my parents could come back in and be told all the things that they needed to hear and all the things that they needed to do. They would need to change the locks and get rid of that couch in the living room and grow a backbone and stand up for me. He would tell them that I needed to see a dr and make sure that I was physically ok. You would tell them that it would be more than difficult but with what happened to me there were physical injuries that needed to be addressed. You would tell them that you have a duty to report and that the police should be involved . My parents would be asked the hard questions, ,and mark would be on my side. My father would not be allowed to belittle and talk down to me. I would be included in the conversation and they would have to listen. Then I would be brought back in the room and you would talk to me about what I thought and felt and you would ask me what I needed to feel safe. He would have me sit in the chair next to him and not inbetween them , because they were literally suffocating me and refusing to hear the truth. I would be asked how I was feeling and if there was anything that I needed in that moment. I would be asked how I was feeling and told that I was not the things that others have called me. I would be believed and you would make sure that I was taken care of.
I would leave the office scared, maybe angry and totally terrified but I would also feel heard and protected and worthy even with all the things that were done. Someone standing up for me, someone listening to me that would have made all the difference. I would have been able to get medicine for the pain and truly be taken care of. You would have noticed the pain in my body, sitting hurt, standing hurt and everything in between. I would have known that it was ok to talk and ok when I didn't have the right words. I could have talked about the things that happened to me and that I wasn't the awful gross and disgusting person that I believed that I was. I would have been able to go to the DR. and people would have seen the damage and known that I was telling the truth. They would have seen the damage the bruises the cuts ; all the marks and believed me. People would have to believe me, I guess the chubby unpopular girl was telling the truth.
If even one thing changed Callahan would not have to be hiding behind a wall too terrified to live.
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