There are so many things to say. My mind is spinning. The nightmares have been crazy. The night before last.13 year old Callahan was there her eyes still closed. People were following her, intending to do more harm and she was curled up in a corner. I guess maybe its a good thing that she was even there, she wasn't behind that disgusting wall. But it was terrifying. I wish that I remembered the rest but it was one of those dreams that keeps going and going like there was no end. It was also one of those dreams that you wake up from and want to tell the world. Like you literally just want to be heard, and its a crazy feeling. Like you don't even care about the consequences you just want to get it all out. That thought that is terrifying in my day to day, somehow in the nightmare all the untold things in my heart just wanted to escape. I can only name a handful of times that this has happened. Its feels more than crazy. But she was there 13 year old was there.
Again last night there were more crazy dreams. I had every intention of meeting with Mark and finally talking about that wall and everything that is there , but he was talking and my mind was everywhere else. Like it was classic Callahan sitting there but my mind being so far away. And he asked a question, and I just stared, I couldn't even find the words. And he had that kind smile. There was someone sitting to my right, they were squirmy and unable to sit still but I don't know who they really were. Then Mark came and sat next to me on the couch and had me write something down. There was a relief and a terror. Then we are standing by these huge windows, and he got a phone call. He was talking about where we were going to meet, and I drifted out of the office seeing people that I knew. There was a river, more like an ocean really because I just wanted to feel safe and I put my hand in the water as dolphins were swimming by, I couldn't touch them but seeing them was reassuring then an orca came by and I held my heart like somehow things were going to be ok. I was walking with a few other people not sure where or what it was but there were animals and I was happy. I knew what they all were and was telling everyone. I was always the slowest and people kept passing me by, but somehow I made it to the top and it was a type of lookout. Then there was this building, looked like the community college I went to, and my New principle was there. People were talking and someone said she was talking about when her case went to court for being Sexually abused. I just kept watching her, I wanted to go talk to her and say me too me too, what was it like what happened ? Everything else kind of faded away, there was a knowing a kindness a kind of wow I am not the only one. So many little details that don't fit anywhere in the dream, walking into a Walmart only they were remodeling, but there were dirt and trees everywhere, it was kind of a disaster really and everyone pretended that everything was normal. I can remember seeing my mom as a cashier and I went the other way. You had to duck and step over things, I couldn't understand why anyone would be there.
I wish that I wrote right after I woke up yesterday to remember more, and again this morning. I feel like these were so different. So often the nightmares are play by plays of the things that have happened. But these last two night there was more feeling. There was a connection to what was going on. It's more than hard to explain. There are times my mind and can replay the things that have happened to me and there is no emotion no feeling nothing, it s literally like it is someone else. There are times that my mind replays the things that happen and I feel it in my body. Today as a 46 year old, I can feel things that were happened, and yet there is a feeling of being so far away. This is the worst. I can literally wake up in the morning and be achy, my body will physically hurt and there is no rhyme or reason, I was only sleeping. Most of the time these things are so in my head , these are the things that happened, but are lost somewhere in my head. Many things have yet to reach this heart of mine, and I think that is where the fear of breaking is. OK I can see all those things, there are times I can physically feel them but as feelings and emotions go, that terrifies me, if I can just keep them in my head happening to someone else, calling myself crazy for the things I physically feel then it keeps my heart out of it.
Someday all of these pieces are going to come together. I think I am closer than I have ever been, its terrifying but there is a hope there. That Callahan was , is so afraid of living of being hurt again. I know that we wouldn't make it. I hear people say that there are no guarantees in life, this is one that I have to have. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing but I need reassurance that I can never be harmed like that ever again, because I am sure as I am breathing, I would just go away. And it might not literally stop me from living, but I would be in a deep dark place and I would never ever come out again I don't want to survive anything else happening. My mind would not survive anything else happening to me. So the way that I live my life today whether I know it or not are all ways that I try to protect myself and make sure I will be safe.
I guess the dreams, nightmares are changing, that is a good thing and that is scary. It doesn't feel like I am alone and that is a new piece. oh the story of my life. So much for me to understand.
I heart your heart.
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