When Will I learn

 Seriously, you would think that I would learn by now. Still after all these years there is a hope that things will be different. I will be seen and cared for. That somehow someway, someday I would be supported. That someday I would express my cares and concerns and they would be heard and my heart would be taken care of.  That has never really been the case and yet there is a part of me that hopes for that every time that I share. And each time I can't believe that there is no support for me.  I am 46 and should know this by now.  Yet, I don't. I still hope that something is going to be different.  I am continually let down, and I want it to roll off my back, I want it to not matter but it oh so matters. That means that each time I am once again disappointed and I get angry because I should have known. Its like somehow I am still looking for that piece from her that says you matter, what you think matters. It matters what you think and feel.  Time after time, I am just let down and my heart is more hurt than it was before.  I do not understand why I don't let go.  I am on my own, the ones that I want most to hear and listen will never do that. I am not sure what a person does with that. 

I do not feel like there is unconditional love.  I don't think that is something that I have ever felt really.

People say reach out to your family and they don't understand that is not the kind of family that you have. My family is survival of the fittest.  There is no offering of help, there is no help with out strings attached. There is no love for everyone, there is no support when its needed.  My family is one that if it doesn't suit them then it doesn't matter.  When I moved into this house, the exact things that I was worried about are the exact things that are happening and she pretends not to have a care in the world.  She doesn't help with anything and thinks her $200 a month rent is crazy.  My brother is hard to describe.  Even the night my house flooded he said that he was pissed he had to come over.  He said he only did it because he is a plumber and that's his job.  Not because I was his sister and needed him. There are always sides in my family, and I am usually on the wrong one.  I do things different, I stand up for the things that I believe in. I have strong opinions that I believe in, and my family things I am crazy.  I always feel like that huge elephant sitting in the middle of the room and everyone just pretends to like each other and be civil.  The second that you don't expect it someone is there ready to stab you in the back.  I can't talk to my brother because he goes straight to my mother.  I can't say what I think because I get a shoulder shrug and an oh well. 

Another problem is that I am a girl.  Boys hold more value, boys mean more, boys are treated different. So since I am a girl I can never win over a boy.  She can write all that she wants in a card,  but I see it in my everyday.  I feel it in my bones.  I see it in how she treats my children.  I can do nothing about being a girl.  That is who I am, and it just hurts to be less than and know that no matter what you do,  there is going to be a piece of me that will never be enough because of the mere fact I just am not a boy.

I see all of these family get togethers for the holidays.  Everyone taking pictures and being together.  There are times that I long for that.  But I am just me far away, because I am not willing to be anyone else to make them happy.  Not one person understand the other in my family.  And I am too tired to try.  I want that connected family longing to just go away. All I can do is work on that with my own children, the little family that we are.  I can not do anything else no mater how hard that I try. 

She gets in the middle of my children and I especially Vincent and there will be a part of me that feels guilty for that. She treats him like she treated my brother. He will get texts putting me down questioning me.  There are no boundaries and she is seriously fucking clueless.  The other night we had a late lunch and weren.t hungry for dinner.  She sends him a text what up with no dinner.  I believe you are an adult if you are hungry make something. There are always little digs and I am his mom and that just isn't ok.  She never steps up and takes initiative, at least not with me and I hate that. I have said it before and I will say it again I can not be her cheer leader,  I can not do everything and take care of her.  I will help her and be kind.  There are things that she can and should do and chooses not to.  She is only 65 and I worry what the next 10 years will look like. 

I will not be the door mat, I will not be walked all over.  I just want to be who I am and not be judged for that.  I keep working on letting go of that dream that I have one of those supportive non judgmental families. I long for that family that I could call and just be heard.  I long for that family where there would be feedback and not take sides.  I long for those family gatherings.  My heart aches for that type of family.  So I keep working really hard to have that with my own children. 

I heart your heart.