Broken Soul

 

There are things in this life that no person should ever have to experience.  I have spent my entire life trying to run from those things trying to ignore them, and pretend that I was fine.  I have felt parts of them and banished the rest.  Today that is an issue because there are parts of me lost back there, that don't even know its over. . There is a part of me that is so afraid; she refuses to even open her eyes and see the light. She is just that afraid.  I am not sure you can understand that kind of terror.  All these years later and I am terrified.  The things that I am facing are things that I fear will be the end of me, I worry that I am not strong enough.  I worry that somehow that time is going to be the death of me.   Thinking about that time is crushing, being 13 carries a certain weight that takes my breathe away. So much was taken.  So much was destroyed.  Things were broken inside my heart and mind that I am not sure I will ever get back. Having a kind father to keep me safe and protected, never had that. Having a family where I felt loved and valued ; I never got to experience that either.  There are parts of me that still hold all the things that 13 year old Sherri did, and there are days that is so confusing. 

Today I am 46 years old and I have so many "adult" things to do being a teacher, a mom , my mortgage my house. Everything falls on me, there is no one on my side.  There is no one to help with big decions, there is no one to help shoulder repairs, or car trouble.  Those are all things that an adult woman has to take care of, and I do it all; All The Time.  There is another pat of me that is 13 and stuck in 1988.  She smiles and is quiet and she is dying inside.  Things have happened to her that she has no understanding for.  Things happened to her, that have never made it out of that dark place that she is in. She can journal, there are some things she is able to get out, and still there are other things that hurt her heart, make her feel less than human, and make her wonder if she has any worth at all.  Because for our entire life no one has taken our side, no one has kept us safe and made us feel that we were worthy.  There is no one sharing the load, no one offering a break.  It's been like that my entire life, that has lead to a brokenness in parts of me that are just that : Broken. 

When I talk about the life that I had to live at 13, I feel less than. I feel like I was taking up space, and was purely an observer of the world.  The things I was dealing with were adult things, when every other 13 year old was putting o make up and having crushes, and being oblivious.  I was surviving, I was scared for my life,  I was in a fairy tale world that I was going to create this amazing life for the little life .  School was impossible, I couldn't focus, or think I had to work so very hard for my grades, it was ten times harder for me, because there were so many other things that I was having to deal with. My teen years were nothing of a normal child I was an adult child forced to face adult situations, adult experiences and live as a woman. There were no dances, no boyfriends, no dates, no friends.  Everything that a person thinks of when they think teen years mine was everything opposite of that.  

From as far back as I can remember I felt that I was broken, I was unlovable and worth nothing. That is how my life was lived.  I can see value today, but its a struggle and a fight.  In my head if I had value and worth someone would have helped me, someone would have stepped up and helped.  Yet no one did. I was the mature girl that handled everything.  Only I wasn't handling anything I was just going through the motions and doing what was asked of me.  There was no life, I was a broken girl with a broken soul that no one cared for.  That takes time to wrap my head around, and I have hope its possible but I have a fear that maybe its not. 

I heart your heart.