Even when My eyes are open

 It was one of those days today. Sleep is an issue, it always has been. I struggle to fall asleep and struggle even more to stay asleep. I get more than tired, but I wonder if I have ever known what restful sleep even is. Sleep isn't a peaceful restful and rejuvenating thing that happens, its a violent and brutal way that my mind likes to replay and figure out the violence that has happened. 

Sleep is unbelievably hard to come by. Afternoon naps in my chair are a time I can peacefully fall asleep. No darkness, no fear of my bed; just a time to rest. I look forward to these and if even for a short time feeling well rested and ready for anything.

But this afternoon there was nothing restful and it was the kind of sleep where you wake up and feel like you got hit by a mack truck.  The kind of sleep where the dreams are so terrible that even when you wake up its like they aren't over.  Even though your eyes are open, and you know that those things aren't happening, it affects you. Your heart is still pounding in your chest and it literally feels like you are back in the dream and you are having to fight for your life.  It was like that this afternoon.  It literally took hours to shake the feeling that something terrible was going to happen. And now it is already after midnight. My eyes are burning I am achy and there is no way that I am going to try to lay down and get some sleep.  I fear that when I do, I am going to be right back where the dreams this afternoon left off.  

Welcome to a day in my life.  

And there lies the problem.  

Because the things in my dreams are things of my everyday. 

Because all those things that still haunt me as I sleep were so long ago, but yet still ever present.  But close my eyes and they are all there clear as crystal waiting for their turn to steal the hope of restful, peaceful sleep. 

Someday, I will truly rest. 

I heart your heart.