The lonely Three

 

So many things that are not understood. I feel so crazy a good deal of the time. I want so much to understand how differently my brain works, how I see things in this life so different. Somedays I want to keep talking until I have it all figured out. Somedays I want to scream at the world about things that have happened to me. I want to make everyone understand, my heart and why I am the person that I am. Sometimes I want to scream out loud about the pictures that are in my head and how they follow me throughout the day.  Other days I want to bury it under tons of cement and steel, and pretend that it doesn't exist. Some days I want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction of all that hurts inside.  I hope there will come a day, when I don't want to talk about it anymore, When all of this won't seem so overwhelming and there is nothing to run from. I hope in time the need to figure it all out will go away. I wish I knew what I needed to do for that longing feeling deep in my soul to lessen and disappear.  I feel like its me , little Callahan and 13 year old in this together, connected yet so far away. We were all we had, just the three of us. In a world full of adults and caregivers that never saw us; we were the lonely three. We were all that we had, no support, no care or concern. Some days I was strong, but most of the time it was them. Maybe that is the struggle right now.  13 year old is in complete darkness scared of every sound every move, she is in a state of terror, that is unfathomable to most. She can't even open her eyes because the fear is just that big.  Little Callahan is somewhere enjoying life, with out a care in the world. She is laughing and dancing, truly getting to be.  She knows that things were bad, she knows just how violent and evil that people can be, but she had a hope that she was meant for more.  She also knows that she isn't alone and its ok for her to do some of those life things that she missed out on.  Then there is me struggling to hold it all together.  I wish that I knew where little Callahan was. I want to hold on and care for her, I want to hear her giggle and tell me all about the life that she is experiencing. I want to meet the little girl that she should have had the chance to be when she was 5 years old.

 I wish that I wasn't so afraid of that 13 year old. She holds so much in her weary heart, and is terrified of being hurt; of letting people in and doing even more damage to her mind and body.  There are scars on her soul that no one will ever be able to heal, that I am not sure will ever see the light of day.  I am desperately trying to pull us all together, and that is really really hard.  I feel like I am the weakest link of all of us.  I am the one that hides away putting so much on them and they are the ones there; that have to endure such horrendous unimaginable acts.  I often feel guilty that things were so awful that I just went some where else. Many times I feel like I was the lucky one just getting to float away to  anywhere else other than where I was.  There is a part of me that feels like I let them down because I couldn't handle what was happening to me.  Even today, I still see it like it was yesterday, and I am far away watching and one of them is there being hurt, and I am just a bystander. Unable to offer any help , support or care.  And people wonder why I don't want to be in my own skin,  this is exactly why.  Because its like its happening to them and not me.  Somewhere in my brain that makes sense, somewhere else in my brain I feel like that was the easy way out. Often I look at it like I was not strong enough to endure what was happening, then at the same time I know that those things did happened to me, I was there I experienced all of those things but somehow I put it on that 5 year old that was me that I was so far away from.  And with that 13 year old,  there are pieces I was there for but there were also pieces, that I completely went away for and those things I feel will haunt me forever.  Sometimes things are so clear, and I understand that my little brain couldn't cope with what was happening.  Mark says its a smart , creative brain that is able to do that.  Me, I just feel stupid, and if often feels like the easy way out.  Let a different part of you deal with this because its too much.  Seems pretty unfair .  There are a lot of pieces and things that I am trying to put together.  There are things to work on so I can bring us all together and feel like we are me and not some individual who experienced so much way before our time.   Believe me this all feels pretty crazy.  Sometimes it makes sense and other times it feels more like I am going mad.  I want to stand tall and believe that I did the things I had to do to survive. Someday I want to be ok with that, and know that I did the right thing.  I want to know that I made the right decisions .  I want it to be ok that I made some not so great choices. I want it to be ok that I was living my life. I want it to be ok that I danced.  I want it to be ok that I wanted to be kissed.  I want it to be ok that I wanted my father to be proud of me. I want to be ok with the fact that I picked out one of his shirts never expecting, a rape as payment for that choice.  I want it to be ok when there was no fight left.  I want it to be ok that forever and always there are going to be some things that will always affect my heart.  Someday I will be able to stand tall and own the things that I can't imagine owning today.  

I heart your heart