Week full of Rememberances

 

If there is one more thing this week that is a

reminder, is a rock in my sock or a memory of

things meant to be left behind I am going to scream 

for the rest of my lifetime and then some. 

Everyone 

knows that I won't because I just smile and get

everything done.  But if I could I would scream for 

an infinite amount of lifetimes, and a scream like you have never heard before that would break 

windows for miles.   It seems that with all the added stress of this week,  it seems an invitation was sent 

out in the world that Callahan's plate wasn't empty and to please add some more.  Well world you have 

done a fabulous job, 

and I am drowning. 

As if I don't have enough reminders in my every day this week they have been added ten fold,  and I am beyond words.  

The contractor that is coming for the carpet,  his name is Andy.  And I struggle and I question was Andy the good guy that I thought he was ?

I have two students in my Summer school class whose name is Isabella.  There is a pain every single time I say her name.  She is soft spoken and missing her two front teeth, she isn't quite sure of herself, but her smile brightens everything around her.

People are in and out, I am barely breathing and no one notices a thing.  

There is no understanding and I am left to do it all on my own.  But I am breaking.

I am laughed at and mocked , when I can't stop from shaking, and the words come out like a round of bullets. My voice gets louder and I repeat myself  because no one seems to be hearing or listening that the things going on are not ok. I desperately want them to understand and tell me that the things going on are not ok. But no one tells me a thing, I am left alone trying to stand up for what is right, and second guessing every decision that I am making.

I am breaking, cracking at the seams

I am seen as one who is over-reacting, and excuses are made for each and every bad behavior,

I am so confused and wonder why what they have done is excused, 

I find myself saying over and over this isn't ok thinking maybe one time, just one tim someone will say you are right....

This Is Not OK.

I often wonder what will happen when this back is broken and unable to carry even another ounce of weight

Because you see I keep going I keep going that is what I do, I wonder about the day when that is no longer an option 

I say well if you aren't dead yet you are good, you are fine ?! I mean right; the world is ending but hey I am fine, I am just overreacting 

I'm fine, oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I am not 

That seems like what I am meant to do

But I fear the day that I can no longer do all the things that I am meant too ? 

I fear the day when one more fucking excuse is going to be the end 

There is no real support, no one to take my side, no one to stand behind me . 

Just the smirks, the giggle, the talking to them like I am the one that is crazy.

Today the tears came and I was shaking and my cares and concerns aren't taken seriously in my home

Today I am more than tired of fighting.  Sometimes more often I wish that some things could just go easy, go as planned and be simple.  

I am not asking for a golden path, I am not asking for anything to be handed to me on a silver platter

I am simply asking for care, kindness and even respect.  I am asking for people to honor my feelings. 

I am asking to be heard, and even seen. Those are the things that I am asking. 

I am asking for a break for a reprieve, I am asking for help navigating all the things that I do not know. 

I am asking that someone take my fucking side with out having to fight for it with in an inch of my very

 life.