Company

 I just want company.  I don't want to do everything on my own.  This morning Mariska was going to get up and there is this crazy viral Christmas decoration that we were going to go get but she decided to stay on her phone.  I was going to go alone, but I do everything alone and I was excited that we were going to go together.  So, forget it.  I just am not going because I don't want to go alone.  I wanted to go together, I wanted to be excited.  

I never get to share my excited, my disappointed, my joy nothing I just have to do it on my own and that just isn't fun.  I don't want to do this life on my own anymore. I want company.  I want someone to go to the store and be excited about Christmas decorations, I want someone to call when something big happens, I want someone that can ask how I am and just be there if I need it.  I want those things, and I don't know how to get them.  It is just me and that gets old.  It has been like this my entire life but today; I want people.  I want someone to go get a tattoo with me.  I want someone to say do the crazy thing that you are thinking.  I want someone just to be with me, just to fucking care what is going on in my world.  I always do the same and I care and ask and make sure that hearts are happy.  But I am no one's person, and I want to be.

How does an adult almost 50-year-old woman find that? I am sitting here crying because I don't have that company and there isn't a thing that I can do. And today I would give anything just to have some company, some care.  Oh well I guess shit happens. I hate when I want things not made for me. I am not going to beg and plead.  Too many things to clean up today I just need to stay busy so that I don't have to think.  Support system yea that is funny, but why do I desperately have the need for one.  I have people in places for moments then they are gone and again I am left.  If there is a forever out there, I would really really like them in my life just to share me with, the little things the big things the things that make me ME.  My heart hurts, I don't understand why I have never found that.  And why it has never found me.