More than sometimes in the Quiet

 

More than sometimes in the quiet, I am the saddest of sad.  I smile and say I am fine but under it all I am the saddest of the saddest that you could even imagine.  I get really frustrated because for the most part others don't have a clue.  Sometimes I think I am so transparent and think why don't know?  How can they not see but they don't.  Maybe it's because I smile, because it's a new day because I know my littles need me. More often than not there is a kind of sadness that I think just comes from living the life I have lived.  It comes from all the healing I have done and the healing I have yet to do. Maybe just that ever-present fear that in a split second the rug could be pulled out from under me all over again. 

In the quiet I feel that huge gaping hole to my core.  I haven't figured out the right words yet, that make it fall into place and make sense, it is just there.  Sometimes quiet, sometimes raging but always present.  It's such a lonely feeling, because it's just something that is.  I can remember going to the Dr once and telling him about the sad and asking if medicine would be helpful and he said Well we know where the sad is coming from so somehow medicine wasn't going to make it any better.  Those words have always stuck with me.  I have to admit I wanted a magic fix; I wanted something that was going to take all the pain away and make me happy.  There is no magic fix, there is no magic pill that is going to make me feel normal.  

I can tell you that the most Normal that I have ever felt was when I went to that Rave right before my father's case went to trial.  That was the most normal that I have ever felt, in my entire life.  I felt like I was present in the moment.  I wasn't for a second afraid, and that in itself was the freest that a person can feel.  I felt like my fear that I hold every second of every day just disappeared and that opened a new world for me.  Maybe this is just the sad of an in-between time. I have been able to heal that little 5-year-old part of me.  And I am working to heal that terrified, 13-year-old part that is scared of her own shadow.   

More than sometimes in the quiet the sadness is just more than heavy. And some days I feel it all and then some.  I think that it is just one of those days, when it feels extra heavy.  Tomorrow will be lighter tomorrow won't be so hard and maybe just maybe I can find sprinkles of happy remembering how far that I have come. I heart your heart.