I Forgive YOU

                                                                       Sia : I forgive you 

 Oh, my heart.   I cannot even tell you the number of times that I have listened to this song in the last 24 hours. I am a person that doesn't just listen to a song, but I hear it, and I feel it.  I feel the words and the music in the deepest parts of who I am.  I heard this song and right away I thought of who it was for, and I felt a sense of freedom, and got a sense of peace.  I did what was right for me.   It is everything. I am often the one left in relationships.  Better things come along, and I am left.  I get used to that, almost expecting it.  And just this last year, I learned to stick up for myself and made a decision that was best for my own heart. This process has been quite the journey. Starting so many years earlier. Piece by piece I was letting go, slowly slowly more and more. I have to admit that each step was worse than the one before. My heart is still broken, and I don't think that I will ever understand. They will always have a piece of my heart. Maybe someday there will be a conversation, maybe but today I know that the friendship, the love just wasn't meant for me. I think there was a time that the love and care went both ways, but gradually, I became less and less important and I felt like I was just a burden. I was just a girl who took too much time and space. It's so hard to explain. Even when I knew that things weren't the same I held on to these people for dear life.  When people become my people, it's that way for life. I would do anything for them, it's for always. For a time, it went both ways until it didn't. I spent holidays with them, sat with them as their parent was in the hospital.  I cared for their children and loved them with all that I was. In the end all that I had wasn't enough.  Today for the first time in forever, I realized that ; that has to be ok.  I can be grateful that I had them while I did. I can still love all the good things. I can also acknowledge all the pain that was experienced.  I forgive them for the hurt they caused my heart and soul. I will never understand how someone can say the words I love you then write them off and remind them just how much time that you spent on them. I will never understand telling someone you love them then there being no acknowledgement at all.  I will never understand.  My heart is grateful, that once I had them and they were a part of my world.  My heart also holds an overflowing amount of sadness because of how I was left and forgotten.

The story started when I found James. He was my counselor, who became a friend. He was there when I had no one.  He was there, he held my hand and my heart as I was healing. He was everything that I needed he took me under his wing and made sure that I was safe and sound. He would answer my emails listening to my heart.  He was the kindest kind of kind that I always needed. He was in the play at Christmas, and I can remember him waving and I felt seen.  For someone like me that means everything.  I became a part of his church, I grew to know his wife, and I became a part of their life group.  I had never had someone know my heart so well and care for me.  Then they moved to Colorado.  I was devasted and for a time things were the same.  I would get to see them when they came back to Texas.  I was invited to their home and they felt more like family than I had ever known. There were my people, they were my safe place. 

I had moved out of my mother's house and moved in with Catrina.   It was a safe place away from my mother.  And this is where things started to get tricky.  Catrina didn't really know Amy and James and they weren't really friends. They knew of each other. I can remember Amy asking if she thought Catrina would mind if they had a get together at her house.  Amy would call asking her how it was going me living there. Never once was I asked how things were for me. I was never considered; my thoughts were not asked about. I finally graduated and James even flew here, to get to see me graduate.  That was one of the most special moments ever, looking into a sea of people and seeing your person. That was everything.  The next day at my graduation party, he so gently touched my face and said that he loved me.  Things were changing for me, he was just one of those people that cared for my heart. He was more than important. That next Thanksgiving Amy and James invited me to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  It was always just the kids and I so feeling like we were wanted somewhere was so very important.  We always stayed in contact, I again went there for a summer trip and my heart was full.  I felt like a part of me was in Colorado.  I could relax and just be, no judgement just a sense of peace. I could be totally myself.

So, then I got a real teaching job, and was working on getting on my own two feet.  I was watching Catrina's son, Truman a lot. There were a few work trips but there was also a lot of fun weekends away, and it was a lot.  Things had changed from when I first moved in with her. In the beginning I was pretty dependent on her. I was finishing my degree, and was just a substitute.  There was not the pressure of a full time job yet.  It was enough caring for my own two children, but it was often expected to care for her son. She always said let me know if it's too much, let me know if you need help.  She was out of town I took care of him.  Then she started dating, men came over. There were times that it was more than uncomfortable. For me it was a safety issue. It had become a very different situation.  One weekend she planned a trip, the kids didn't have school, I did.  She always said to ask for help when I needed it, so the one time I asked for help.  It didn't go well at all. He had some church thing Sunday night, then the following day I was expected to drop him off at someone's house.  I just asked if that person could pick him up.  Time wise for me getting to work, it was too much. Not even 2 weeks later we were asked to move out. There had been things happening, she took the leaf out of the table, we were no longer welcomed.  She had men over and I wasn't even a thought.  I was laughed at because of personal things that affected me. Yet no one asked how I was. Often, I felt like the leech, that wasn't wanted. So, when she asked us to leave I found a place and within 2 weeks we were out. That also didn't make her happy. She offered her truck for us to use when i said no thank you, she slammed the door.  She wanted us out on her terms, She was done and I made my own safe place for my family. She offered us a broken couch; I said no thank you and she said, "Well you have to start somewhere I am throwing it away."  Like all I was worth was her broken couch. I was crushed. She did give us some things and I am grateful, but we were no longer welcomed, I had gotten stronger and spoke up when I needed something, and it blew up in my face.  Amy called me and instead of asking how I was she made excuses for Cartina.  Never hearing the things that I experienced, never caring to learn how I had been treated.  I was crushed and told her to stop.  Amy made the excuse that I just wasn't ready to hear her yet.  No, I wasn't ready to hear because no one had heard me. And that was the beginning of the end.  Things would show up on Facebook and it was always Catrina and Amy and their little group every single time that she came to Texas. I was never contacted EVER. Not once was I included or welcomed. I was not their person. I knew my people were slipping away. Each time I saw a post I was more heartbroken than the last time and yet no one cared to ask about my heart. In my head I will never forget the moment when I said something, and Amy said Well you can't be everyone's friend.  And after this I realized, exactly what she meant. 

I would still every now and then email James just asking for support of advice.  I wrote to him asking about Vincent and something else.  I got a reply back, saying that church was the only thing that was going to fix anything. I was more than hurt.  He knew me better than anyone, and to throw that at me wasn't fair or appropriate for the situation.  I had been more hurt by the church than anyone ever should be. That somehow Church was the only thing that was going to heal me or make me feel better, made me feel less than human.  I let it sit for a few days.  I was crushed he knew my experiences with church and God, and I didn't understand his response. I thought that our relationship was a safe place to be honest.  So, I wrote back and told him that I missed the days when he didn't push religion, because he knew just how hard it was for me.  And the answer I got back crushed me on a soul level. He reminded me of all the time that he had spent on me.  The hours and hours and when that was thrown in my face, I was done.    His response was unfair and the unkindest response a person could get.  I didn't deserve it being thrown in my face all the time that he spent on me. I was more than grateful for every second that he helped me heal, every time he held my hand when I felt nothing but gross and disgusting.  Out of no-where none of that mattered anymore. I am more than sorry that I wasted your time. So, I just stepped back. That was the last correspondence that I ever had with him. 

Catrina had very nicely stepped in and no one even noticed that I had disappeared.

Then my mom passed away and there was nothing from James no response, no condolences, nothing and I was done.  How does someone care and say that they love you and not even acknowledge the passing of your mother. He knew how hard that relationship was, and how broken she made me feel. I unfriended him; I realized just how much that things had changed.  When you care about someone you don't break their heart like that. Amy had become more and more distant.  I was always the one reaching out, and I wasn't getting anything genuine back.  I stepped back.  I was tired of all the visits and all the people they saw, and I was just not one of those people.  Fine, if I was not your person but kindness first always.  So, I unfollowed Amy.  And then finally another Dinner with Catrina. Amy made a comment about those being her people and she didn't know what she would do without them.  I was tired of being hurt, tired of feeling like I was replaced and I unfriended her.  I could not be hurt seeing the posts, I was not important, and each post was like a dagger through my heart. Catrina had taken my place, and I was not even a thought. I know that I was never her person, she could have cared differently for my heart. Even if someone isn't your person it is never ok to crush them.  I didn't think twice I had let go. I had to.  It was months before she even noticed.  

Then my birthday came.  And the text message that followed. Did you unfriend me on Facebook? She was sure it was a mistake.  I didn't know how to respond. No, it wasn't a mistake.  I was no longer willing to be a leftover. I responded with life was busy with grad school and working full time.  She was like oh you are going into administration.  That told me right there she had not seen a single thing about my heart and what was going on with teaching, and how I was in Grad school for Clinical mental health.  It was more than sad but at the same time, more reassurance.  I knew I wasn't her person and there was a time that I so wanted to be. She went on telling me all about what the family was doing. I didn't ask. I was not in a place to care my heart was still crushed by so so many things. If she cared the conversation would have been about me , it was my birthday.  There were niceties but it was over.  I was no longer willing to pretend that I mattered. 

 I have been letting go for a long time.  I feel everything and feel it ever so deeply.  I could sense when things started changing and as much as I held on I knew that all the things I once longed for were fading away.  There are so many other little pieces, and scenarios when I knew, but I chose to ignore them wishing for something different.  This is always going to sting. I think this will always make me cry.   When people are that important, that doesn't just go away.  They have hurt me beyond words. As I said, someday maybe there will be a face to face, conversation for no other reason than to share my heart; but not today and not tomorrow.  My heart still needs time and space to heal.  They will forever and always have a place in my heart, that is how I work. I am still grateful for so much.  But I won't allow myself to be an afterthought or be crushed no matter how important they once were. 

I heart your heart.