Trauma is like walking a tightrope

 I am trying to write through the tears and it's really really hard.  I had finally made a Dr. appointment, before school even started.  I was going to leave after my students were gone. Everything was all set up.  I was nervous but ready.  Then get the call that Jan would not be in the office. I was upset I had made the appointment months earlier, but I understood that things happen.  They wanted to switch me to someone else.  I said no thank you,  and said forget it, I will wait another month and just schedule it on my fall break. So I did that, I answered every single confirmation.  Today was the day.   I got up early, all ready to go. I got there was filling out the paperwork and she goes oh Sherri we tried to call you, we switched you over to someone else. Jan will not be here today. What.  This is the second time that this has happened. Do they have any idea what it takes for me to go to the DR.  Do they have any clue what it's like for someone with a trauma history to even get the courage to go. Then they change the plans. I don't want to see someone that I don't even know that doesn't know me.  I was not ok. I wanted to yell and scream and cause a scene but of course I did not.  I wanted to jump over the counter telling them that this was important that it had happened two times already.  I kept it together, until I left the office. 

I got in the car and that Boo Hoo hard from my very soul cry happened.  It takes so much for me to go, then this to happen again! I don't go because I get blown off so many times.  I say something hurts and people say oh you are fine.  They don't understand if it gets to the point that I am going to the Dr it's serious. I am at a loss.  I wish it was easy for me just to go see anyone, but it is not.  Right now I am not being cared for, and I don't even know what to do. 

Being a trauma survivor often feels like walking a tightrope.  One step either way can change the course of everything. One phone call one hug, the simpleness of someone remembering you.  I hope that in time my tight rope will widen right now it feels very thin.  Working harder than hard, someday hopefully someday soon, all of this won't feel so complicated. 

There are so many things that can push a person to one side or the other.  One side feels like an immense black hole the other feels like just a hole in the ground that you can't quite reach the edge, though everything all around you still keeps happening.  I am constantly struggling between those two places.  Every once in a while, I feel like I am stable and then just like that out of nowhere curve ball and I fall to either side of the tight rope.  I know that I am better getting back on, but there are times I don't, and it just feels awful.  Last week it was like that with the music that was on in a store.  Each and every song there was a memory that I had tied to it. A time, place and feeling.  It was really difficult staying present. I tried oh so hard for it not to affect me, after the fourth or fifth song I was like please make it stop.  It's time for me to get out of here. I don't know if it is like this for all trauma survivors, but this is what it's like for me. I know that it has gotten better, and it will continue to get better but just sometimes it feels like so much is happening all at once. Each and every area of my life is in challenge mode, and I just want, even need things to just be normal.  

I heart your heart.