God

 

I know what a title.  There are so many thoughts lately regarding God and religion. I have read back on different posts when I so badly wanted to fit in with "Church " people.  I wanted to be a part of their group and I just never did fit in. I wrote about different scriptures thinking that maybe maybe it would mean something to me if I just believed enough.  I didn't believe like they did, but I so badly wanted to. I wanted to fit in somewhere, anywhere. I had way to many questions. For a long time, I thought that there was something wrong with me, because I didn't have those same thoughts that they did. I tried more than hard to be something that I was not. All the words and the promises never felt right.  I guess when you pray to God to die at 5, it changes you on a level that many don't understand. 

I think it all came up again because in my diversity class there was a discussion on religion and spirituality.  The question was asked, what role does that play in therapy.  For a few it did play a role and for others it was seen as everything. The end all be all if a person wanted to heal. That if one didn't believe then they were not going to be successful in therapy.  Many were unable to see the other side, and truly believed that religion and god were of the utmost importance. It was a necessity in the healing process.  I think sometimes because I am so far removed from all of that, that i forget that there are still people who place such great importance on god and religion.  

I am finally at a place where I am comfortable.  I do not believe in god, and I am not ashamed to say that or afraid of any repercussions.  Where I have come from in this life, there has just been me.  In my class I wrote my response wide open that I do not believe but a client has every right to have their own beliefs, thoughts and views.  I am good with what works for me, and I hope that your heart is happy with what works for you. I am not less of a person for not believing and you are not better than me because you do. My heart has been more than broken by it all.  Church, religion, god all of it has caused so much pain. 

There has just been too much damage for me.  Having to pretend to be this perfect family, bringing the communion to the alter.  Praying to God to die at 4.  I can see it all so clear having to hold hands and say our prayers.  Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep.  I would beg just not to wake up in the morning. I was 5 years old, that just isn't ok. I would see all the men that raped me receive communion and think this is nothing that I ever want to be a part of.  Albert, my father, later on the others.  All church going men that took parts of me that were never theirs. Those men that ruined so much.  I had people tell me that I should forgive, I had people tell me that my father would be heaven.  I vividly remember laughing, because if he was going to be there, in heaven then I wanted nothing to do with any of it. There was the pastor that my mother knew who while talking to my mother, said that i should have kept my legs closed.  There was the women that I basically begged to be a mentor for me, who then ignored me.  Then later said that I was where I was because of god and everything that he had done for me.    I responded and told her no, that I was where I was because I fought for myself with all that I had.  Then was unfriended by more than one person, I guess they didn't like my views.  

For people who believe in god and that works for them, I am so glad you have that to hold onto.  But I am not less of a human for not believing like you do.  I am not less of a human because i believe that somewhere inside of me there is a life force that refuses to let me give up and has kept me alive all these years.  I believe in the trees that helped me survive, the gentle breeze I was able to feel among the violence. I believe in the little birds that visit when I am all alone in the world.  Those are the real and true things that are there for me in my every day.  The things that fill my soul and heal this heart.  I believe in kindness; I believe in heart, and I believe in being a good person simply because it's the right thing to do.  I believe in dandelion wishes and 11:11. I believe in good people and kind hearts.  I believe that this world is one small piece of all that there is, and I do everything I can to make it a beautiful place for everyone. 

I heart your heart.