She never did anything Wrong

 Maybe this is it.  I am more than grateful for all that I have and there are often times that the sad seems to win.  This sadness that seems as vast as the ocean, sometimes swallows me whole.  All the good things and yet I am drowning. I am doing all the things heading in the right direction and in the quiet moments this rush of despair, so much stronger than sad. It seems to come out of the blue. Spunky is there in all of her sadness looking for something to take even a small piece of the pain away.  I am working so hard trying to understand and connect with her and it's such a long hard process.  There is still a sense that she is other than and I want that to change so much.  I think that there are parts of her that will never heal.  It's devastating saying that, but I feel it in my bones.  She will smile again I will make sure, but there are pieces so untouchable.  There are pieces so wounded that to keep them where they are is best for everyone.  To be treated less than human for as long as she was, it changes you in ways that there are no words for.  It changes things that will forever and always be painful. She never did anything wrong.  She was a girl who wanted kindness.  She wanted to be liked and cared for she wanted to be special and important. She was never any of those things to anyone.  She was a 13-year-old girl alone in a world that chose to look the other way when she was going under in every sense of the word. She didn't ask for much, and was given nothing. 

I have blamed her for everything, for her actions and for those around her. I have called her the worst names and blamed her for not being older and stronger. I have blamed her for not knowing what was never intended for a 13-year-old. Everything was always her fault, Everything. She danced with him, kissed him; even had the desire to be important how dare she be just a girl wanting all the girl things that everyone her same age would want.   At least that is what I told her. All of this is what I needed to believe to make some kind of sense out of the world that we lived in. I have blamed her for all of our lives.  I think there was a quote by tori Amos, saying "you can carry that with you your entire life, and I have smashed that."  I am working on that for that girl who just wanted normal, just wanted to belong somewhere. I am scared of her, of her bravery, her strength, her ability to keep moving when her whole world crashed into millions of tiny pieces.  That girl should be held, and cared for ever so gently, she is coming back from all the things that have tried to destroy her. 

                                                  Alanis Morrissette : That I would be good 

I heart your heart