Sleep is hard to come by

 

I am at that point where a good restful sleep is something I desperately need. The constant dreaming and nightmares are so violent. Their hands everywhere.  Having a feeling that I can't even explain. For the past week I have been waking up between 2 and 3 am in these crazy situations.  Some of them are the same feelings as things that have happened, other things are completely random, other times I am just in fear of my life, and no one seems to want to help.  Any and all of them create a night of exhaustion.  So, when others are resting and restoring, I am still fighting.  A person would think after all this time and work that I have done, that a peaceful night sleep wouldn't be too much to ask, apparently it is.  I am tired, I am really really tired right now.  Being this kind of tired never makes for anything to be easy. I want Spunky to feel like a part of me like little Callahan. She is closer than she has ever been and feels so other.  I don't want her to be other anymore. I want to be strong and be able to acknowledge the things that have happened and not feel like I was the one who had done something, so awful.  There are so many things and so many pieces.  

I wonder if there will come a day when sleep comes, and nightmares won't be so strong and violent. I wonder if there will come a day when Spunky is truly able to find a place of peace.  I worry about her all the time. I worry that she is too hurt, I worry that there are some things a person just can't get over. I want so much for her and believe that she deserves the world after what she has been through. I want there to be a space for her in the world where how she experiences things can be accepted.  I do believe that she is always going to see the world differently, her soul has been affected in ways that I am not sure there are words for.  I know that she will reach a place of healing, but in that, there is a sadness that just is. A kind of sadness that is weighty and ever-present.  I think maybe there will be a quiet sadness that just is for her. 

I fight that sadness, all the time.  Last week, there was this realization that; little spunky isn't trying to be difficult or being a brat.  She is just trying to breathe and live in a world that had been more than cruel to her.  I hope that in it all, I can give her the kindnesses that she needs, even in my impatience. I so need her in the here and now with me. I have worked so hard and I need her here. I don't think that she lives in that so dark place, but it's always very close and still feels more than real to her. I think she knows that there are good things, she knows, that there are better things out there and not everyone is like the people who have hurt her, but still there is a tremendous fear. I hope that in time, she will have the strength to come and sit beside me and we can face the dark together. She is in the building resting on the couch that is progress, but not enough.  She holds pieces I hold pieces, and I hope that together we can put all of the pieces that we have together.   We need to face the dark, without fear of being blamed or shamed. Neither one of us has been in this position and there is no rule book. I have to believe that I have the strength to do and to say the things that need to be said so we can heal together.  I think for this part, we need to be more together than apart.  We are closer than we have ever been, and I am terrified and just have to believe that together we can do anything.
I think the things that Spunky has to face seem so insurmountable sometimes.  I wonder if the kind of healing that I imagine is something that is even possible.  I kind of feel like we dance around all the things scared of what might come up.  In so many ways we are still scared of the world, and that fear keeps us where we are.  Whether it is her outside the door, or me and thoughts of doubt and feeling unworthy all the time. I am scared to say the words sometimes, how will they even sound coming out of my mouth.  Is it fair for someone to hear those things. I know that what I say is ok, but the fear of them coming out of my own mouth and acknowledging the weight of them are things I am not sure that I am ready for.  I can say the words, in writing, I can talk about them in some ways.  Yet in others, all the words scare me and sometimes it feels like I won't survive them.  I worry that I won't survive the weight of the things that have happened. I worry that speaking of them will bring some kind of heaviness that will be unbearable. 

I found this saying and it fits.  I am not a coffin for pain to be buried in, I need to put it somewhere else. I think of the song Alive by Pearl jam and sometimes I think Spunky forgets that there is a life to live. I think that under all of her questions, doubting and trying to figure things out she forgets that she is still living, still breathing and still has a lot of life left to live. I want her to believe that what happened wasn't the end of the world.  When she gets off that couch open her eyes, and be with me, that we can and will do whatever is necessary for her to be free. For her to truly be, just a girl in this great big world who has the whole world in front of her. I hope for that Someday. Someday. 

                                                                            Alive : Pearl Jam 
 

I heart your heart.