My heart is wide open right now. I was cleaning out a box of papers, and I found so many things related to my court case, the trial. Pictures of the cat with the broken leg. There are the pictures from when I was 4 months old. So many pictures. There were the emails from Det. Plemmons and from the Police when he was in Nixa. So much and the tears just keep streaming. I want to tell Det.Plemons all that I have done and how I still talk about him to this day. I need to write him a letter telling him that I am ok and the difference that he made for me. I feel like there are so many things to catch him up on. I would give almost anything to sit with him on a bench with some hot tea and just share my heart. There is a gratefulness in my heart finding some things then at the same time there is such a sad.
There is such a sad because there is no one to sit with me and hear my heart going through all the things. It would be so much better, if my heart could just accept that sense of lonely. I somehow just have to get over the fact that I am alone, and people are not around that can share in my sad. I think that lonely is the worst feeling, there are so many things inside that I want to share. There are so many things to be said and shared and experienced and yet it's just me. And I don't know what a person does in this kind of aloneness. I know that I can't be the only one who feels like this. But what does a person do? I don't have a clue and it's something that there really aren't any answers for. I just don't have everyday people. I don't and I wish that the longing for that would just vanish just disappear because it really hurts my heart. I am tired of the tears falling into my pillow. tears being wiped by my shirt, then having to pretend that everything is fine. I feel like I am working so hard on healing, I have come so far. Still I am alone. I am sure this desk and keyboard is my witness to the tears, that could fill an ocean. I have been told there is nothing wrong with me, but I wonder. If there isn't something terrible in me, why am I on my own ALL THE TIME. Why can't I find that just right match. I am the common thread, and I am alone. I feel like there is something wrong, or I wouldn't be alone.
Tuesday I am meeting with the Chief of Police where I pressed charges, and I want to share how it was and talk about how it went, what was said and how I feel. But I will come home. Probably write a blog trying to explore my feelings, then get Mariska at work and go to bed. Not a single person will be there for the joy, for my comfort, for my heart and that is what I long for more than anything. I don't even mean a relationship just a dear friend that I can share my world with. How to find dear friends, that are everyday. I need that and want it so much, and yet I am turning 50 next year and thing it's one of those things not meant for me. I am just sad, so sad. There is an ache for something that I don't know if it is ever meant for me.
I heart your heart
No comments:
Post a Comment