My thoughts are all over the place. But my hands have finally stopped trembling. I feel like today was a kind of full circle moment for me, and my heart feels full and strong. I just got home from Meeting with Chief Goodson, and there were tears all the way home. I think just one of those unbelievable moments, when you are finally able to see just how far that you come.
Everything looks so different; the police station has grown so much. where I went in all those years ago is now surrounded by fencing. I had to go in the other side, different door, different everything. I stood outside of the door, for a few minutes, taking it all in, remembering the girl that I was all those years ago, wanting to keep Angela safe and being willing to do anything I had to do to make sure that happened. It was so clear in my mind, remembering each step that I took. I am pretty sure all those years ago I stopped at the door as well, thinking there is no turning back, I have to keep her safe. Today I stood there my hands shaking like a leaf, I was just as afraid, all the emotions, all the feelings from that time came rushing back. I walked in the entrance which is also the court entrance and people were waiting, I walked up to the Window asking to speak with Chief Goodson, she went and got him right away. I stood there, thinking about the response I got back 20 years ago. And just how different that things were standing there today. Chief Goodson was just as kind as I imagined, he genuinely looked glad to see me. He said come on back and took me into his office, there was a Mahi Mahi picture on the wall, of course I notice all of those small things. There were pictures of a family, that warmed my heart. I thought how lucky they must be. He told me a story about him solving a cold murder case, that Det.Plemons had started. He was proud, and said what a great person that Det, Plemons was. My heart smiled, because I knew that he was one of the good guys and everything that I needed back then; and still has a presence in my todays. I hope that I didn't babble, there were so many thoughts and things to say. I wanted to share how awful the experience was that night I made my statement, but somehow that wasn't important. The entire time, the past on replay, and the realization at just how different things were today. I told him the story of how he asked if I was ok the day after I had pressed charges. Over anything and everything I was a person, and I told the chief what that meant. I don't think I said all that I wanted to, but at the same time it didn't matter anymore.
I left that police station years ago not having a clue what was in front of me. I can remember getting in my car and the Song Hands by Jewel was playing. I sobbed into my own hands, knowing that I was doing the right thing and being terrified at what I had just done. I can remember thinking what have I done; telling family secrets is something so unimaginable then imagine telling them to police looking for some kind of justice, and safety for another little girl.
I hear the words But they are not yours, they are my own and I am never broken. For me that was a reminder that my father was not going to win and I was surely not going to allow him to hurt another little girl. I am sure that I listened to that song over and over and over. Looking for some kind of peace in what I had just done. There was no way for me to ever have an idea of what was in store for me. In those moments, I had yet to meet one of the most important people ever, who would care for my heart.
Leaving today, there were pictures of the entire police force through the years lined up on the wall. And as we walked by, I asked "is Det.Plemons in these". Chief Goodson went through each picture pointing him out. He took every second I needed, never once did I feel rushed. I could feel the tears, and just put my hand on my heart; there was my Person. I know what he looks like, but the thing is that when I met him, I knew him by his hands. I was too ashamed, to look at him. As I was questioned, in just the kindest way, I grew to know his hands. I could not bare to talk about the things that had happened to me and look him in the eye. I felt so gross and disgusting, so much less of a human. I felt like I was the one who had done something terribly wrong. So, as we spoke, I studied and learned his hands. He asked me a question, though I don't remember what it was. But my answer was that what my father was doing was ok, because he just thought I was my mom. I truly believed that, into my twenties when I pressed charges. I believed that with all that I am. So gently he responded, "don't you think he knew the difference between the body of a 5-year-old and the body of a woman?" I looked at him, and my entire world stopped. That thought had never crossed my mind. His words, he believed in me and understood the need to keep my father's stepdaughter safe. Not one other person in the entire process understood my need to protect her. Even years later, I can remember seeing him in Wal-Mart after I had my own children, and I recognized him by his hands. I was frozen, it was like there he is. I never said anything I didn't want to be a pest and didn't even know if he remembered me. So, standing in the hall and having him pointed out, and being able to see his picture and be grateful was a different kind of appreciation. That I was able to look at him, finally knowing that I wasn't the one who did anything wrong. I don't have words for what that meant. It's hard to explain. Being able to see his pictures there was this moment, like oh there you are. I don't know it's something that I will forever carry.
There was a part of me that wasn't ready to leave, but then I knew that I was. Chief Goodson was the bridge allowing me to thank one of the best people I have ever known. Because of him, I get to share just how far that I have come. He even said that he would probably fed ex the letter to make sure that he got it and would sign for it. Somehow, he also had an understanding of just how important this was to me. He didn't even have to answer my email, yet he did. Those little things for someone like me mean the world. I will always be beyond grateful. I asked if I could have a hug on the way out and got an "of coarse" without a thought. I was so glad to have the chance to deliver Det.plemons letter, and so glad for that full circle meeting, that made all the difference. I was able to walk out of that place station knowing, that there are many people who make a different choice and never report. I walked out of that police station today, feeling seen and heard, and I felt so strong. What a journey.
It was still raining as I made my way back to my car. Just everything was right and felt so perfect. I felt like after all this time I had done the right thing. Pressing charges was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I would do it again in second to make sure that Angela was safe. All those years ago and today it was the smallest things that made the biggest difference. I cried walking back to my car, leaving in such a different place than I had in the past. And I turned my car on and this song was playing :
Freya Ridings "Perfect"
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