Sometimes it still blows me away how I have organized the abuse that has happened in my life. How I so clearly have been able to have spunky and little Callahan. How they have held the worst of the worst, so I could survive and somehow keep breathing. I survived the only way that I knew how, and somewhere that has to be ok. I can tell you that I have often felt more than crazy. When you can see parts of yourself so clear, because it's that much easier to put the things that have happened to you onto someone else. The things that a person does to survive the unimaginable. There needs to be more studies on this. I used to see those parts as so separate. I know they are parts of myself, I know that those parts and pieces are me. I promise one of these days I am going to come up with a good way to explain the process in my head. As clear as I see my computer screen, I see those parts of me and how they interact in the world. I am not sure that I can come up with a clear explanation, but I just have to try. Early in my healing work, little Callahan would never be in the counseling office, she was usually hiding, crying and in a place far away. She got closer and closer, finally finding the right counselor, she was in the room hiding behind an art piece of a beautiful golden tree. I worked so hard and for so long to get her to a place where she felt safe and sound. She is no longer hiding no longer afraid and doesn't have to carry the weight of what happened to me anymore. I remember so clearly the day that she decided to show up and stand right in front of me, between my counselor and I. It was a hard moment to explain and yet I can see it so clear. Finally, she was able to trust and be seen and heard. That moment was everything and there was a time that I felt like she was lost because I didn't see her anymore. There was a genuine loss, I missed her. Soon enough, she came back free as she had ever been. I see her now and she is that little girl that she never got to be. She knows what happened, but it doesn't impact her. She no longer feels like she did something wrong. She has this peace about her, and there is nothing in this world that is going to dim her little spirit. The things she has survived, she deserves all the greatness that the world has to offer. I think today she is truly getting to experience some of the things that were never afforded to her.
Then there is Spunky. She has come a long way and yet I feel like she has lifetimes to catch up on and still has a long way to go. I think this week I am learning that she is going to do things in her time and at her pace. You would think she is me and I am her so things would be simple. I should know by now that none of this is easy or simple. This process would be much quicker, and so much easier if I could just snap my fingers and it all would make sense, but that is not the case. She has been hurt on a soul level that I think is forever. She will find a place of freedom, but I truly believe that there will always be a longing that I am not sure anyone can understand. She has a tragic sense of sadness that chills me to my core. I do not think that there is anything that can make that go away. She has made incredible strides. There was a time I could have cared less what happened to her. I have said the unkindest things and if she was 6 feet under, I would have gone on as if nothing was different. Today I am in a totally different place. I don't want her alone in the darkness she has known her entire life. I want her here with me in a place where she can heal and find some peace. I want her to feel heard, I want her to feel safe and sound. I want her to experience all the kindnesses that she has never experienced. I want her to truly feel seen, heard and maybe even loved. I want those things so much for her. I talk about how far that she has come, and I am also terrified. She is finally right in front of the office. She has been resting on the couch. Just resting, her soul is exhausted. I have to believe that she trusts and feels welcomed. I think that she does or even being on that couch wouldn't be an option. So, Wednesday I went in for my appointment and I sat on the couch that I see her laying.
This is going to sound so crazy; I was reading a blog that I had written, and I looked over and ever so clear I saw her sitting feet on the floor eyes wide open and she looked at me. Almost transparent, but those eyes. She has such a deep sadness, an ache a longing that is hard to give words too. To see a part of yourself so clear is both a good thing and also a curse. I know what she has experienced and lived through, and to have her sitting next to me brings all that happened to a different realization and just how close that it is. Still I have to remind myself: She is me and I am still her. I know there was no person there, I am just such a visual person and to survive there was always little Callahan and spunky, that is just how I managed to survive in the world. I have freed little Callahan. And I am working on freeing, Spunky.
I can tell you that I have never seen her eyes open, she is too ashamed, feels too gross and disgusting. She feels so much less then, everyone else all around unceasingly. She feels guilty taking up space in the world and having any kind of need at all. There is still a darkness in her eyes, a sorrow that is striking. She is afraid, but more willing to trust than she ever has. She hasn't lived in a good place all of her life. She doesn't even know who she is under all the hurt. She feels like so much less than all the time no matter what she does. She struggles with worth because no one stepped up for her, people continued to look the other way when she was begging for help. She has a lot to learn and experience in a place that is safe for her to just be exactly who she is. I am not sure what is next. I know that things will happen exactly as they need to. As I wait, I continue to work, prepare and look forward to what exactly that will look like when she decides to join me on the couch, ready for what's ahead. I know I will be ready, I have to be, there is not another option. I have to believe it's going to be different than all the fears that I hold in my head. I have to believe that the healing isn't as bad as the hurt. I have to believe in her and in myself. I have to believe that together we have the help to get us to a place where we can breathe free. Together we can do anything. She is me and I am still her.
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