Everything and Nothing

 I am not sure where to start.  My heart is crushed. It hurts when your own children disregard your feelings and your heart. He assumes things that he knows nothing about. He says things that he has no right saying to me. In so many ways he treats me like my mother and that is a knife through my heart. I love him so very much, and how he treats me isn't ok. The questioning, the disregard for how I think and feel is more than hurtful. It was just one of those rough days, nothing seemed to go right. There were lots of tears, my heart ached for what I am not sure is meant to be. It seems so inconsequential really. I put an order in to be delivered, more than half of the items were never delivered. I had to spend over an hour getting it taken care of. Something that should have been so simple. Vincent starts well why didn't you go to the store, why didn't you do this and that. With such an attitude, like I am so much less than him. That is a constant, but today already having a rough day I didn't need his questioning my choices. So I just went outside and cried. 

Later, I took Mariska to the gym and came home folding the laundry. He asked where Mariska was, I said the gym and told him which one. He went upstairs in and out. Then he says why are you mad she is at the gyn. I said what? I am not mad I'm doing laundry. Then he mumbles and keeps walking. On his way back up to his room he starts badgering me if I would go to that gym. He was so condescending. He was like well there aren't many people there at night, would I go. I said I didn't know but he wouldn't let it go. Then mumbling up the stairs he was saying something about if Mariska could do it so could I. More tears, I will never be the mom that Vincent wants. Just so judgmental about who I am and the things I choose to do. 

The sad seemed relentless spilling into today.  It just would not go away. I wanted to scream at the world to stop, I want to catch up in life instead of always lagging behind. Mariska and I were supposed to go out shopping and I just couldn't. The tears are right there at the drop of a pin, because of everything and nothing. I really shouldn't be sad grad school started, my bills are all paid. I have a job and my amazing house. In it all I am alone and the weight of that right now is enormous.

Mariska is on this gym thing. Which is great. I worry.  I worry because there are a lot of terrible things that could happen and she is clueless. I know she needs to get out in the world, I worry. I worry entirely too much, I don't know how not to. I asked her to go in the morning, there was some excuse. I know that I won't sleep until she gets home. I am exhausted!! Something new to work through. I am Terrified of something happening to her.  I just have to step back. I have to let go let them find their own way. Maybe it's growing pains. I don't know. I am not going to cater to them, I guess they are moving on and so must I. I haven't come first ever really. Maybe it's time. I have put !myself to the side, maybe it's just my time. They are finding their way. So I also have to find my own way. Children growing up is more than hard. I want of keep them so safe. We may live in a little town but things happen even in little towns. Growing pains are hard and hurt my heart. 

I heart your heart