Crying

 

For a long time, I couldn't cry.  I just had to be strong and keep going. I feel like today, when I cry, it's all the tears that I was never allowed to cry for my entire life. There is a massive problem with that, because no one wants to see tears. Tears are seen as weak and something to be done in private. No one wants to acknowledge that there are just some things in life that are just that sad, and that sometimes even a lifetime isn't enough for those tears to completely go away.     

I have always been emotional, but becoming even more emotional has been difficult, and it is not seen as a good thing. Even in places where people should be allowed to cry, they really can't. When I cry about the things I am most passionate about, others do not understand. I often feel like I am seen as weak and incapable.  I must agree that there are times when my tears are most inconvenient, and I also wish they would not come as fast and furiously as they do.  There are times when my tears are so heavy, there are no words. Or if there are words, they come out ugly and often unintelligible. I have a lot of catching up to do; I have lifetimes of tears still to cry. I don't want to feel like I am less of a person because of my tears, because I am finally in a place where I am able to let them flow.  There are some things I can still talk about, like they happened to someone else, and I will not shed a single tear. 

For those deeply affected by trauma, we have a right to our tears, and even in later healing, tears are proof of survival, of hope, of a passion wanting better for others, and if even a single tear holds more room for more healing, then I will never stop crying.  There are times when I can speak about something tragic and have no tears, and then some days the universe says, 'Yes, today the tears will flow.' Maybe that is just a part of who I am and where I have come from. 

I am a crier through and through.  I have a heart that feels it all and more. When I speak, there are tears; when I listen, there are tears; when I drive, yes, even more tears. I am grateful to be in the place that I am in today. 

Do I need to control them more? Sure. I would love that.

Do I sometimes cry at the wrong times? I do, but that's a genuine part of who I am. 

I cry because I can not even explain how deeply that I feel things. I cry because it's just that important for people to understand where I have been, and the experiences that I have lived through. With kindness, caring, and support, there is no limit to what those who have suffered like me can accomplish.  Healing takes tears, and I will cry them until my very last breath. I am not less competent or less of a human because of my tears. I am just a very feeling person, and I have a right to those tears.  I have earned them. 

Am I still healing absolutely and I will be healing the rest of my life. In time I hope the tears lessen, but I will still feel everything with my whole heart. I will give others a space for their tears and let them come, those tears are good, healing, and everything real. 

I heart your heart.