This moment

 

At this time and place, it feels like I am fighting to breathe. I have so many good things going for me, and yet the pull to the past can sometimes be so powerful. The nightmares pull me back, songs from the '80s pull me back, those moments of panic all pull me back. I am working so hard moving forward, and there are these ties that I can't seem to break. There are some chains that I hope will give me some slack; they come in waves, and this is a wave. A massive wave.  I was just listening to the TV today, and it was like song after song, there was this emotion welling up, this panic. I shut it off because I remember enough as it is, and I do not want to remember anymore. I have come to terms with the fact that there may be more that I don't remember, but that's okay with me. I remember enough as it is. 

It's frustrating when even listening to music is a trigger. I love music; when I don't have words, there is music. When I am happy, there is music; when I am sad, there is music; when I can't find words, I can find a song. It's hard to explain; a specific song will come in, and there's this void, almost, like I completely freeze. I hear the words of the song, but they are far away, and I am there, but I am not. I hear the words, and nothing else. It's like being in a dark room, and things are happening, yet it's too much, so you just focus on the music.  I know there are things in those moments, and I just want them to go away. I just need them to go away. There is no need to remember another thing. And I get more than angry at myself. I hear James in my head when I was really struggling, and he basically said that if nothing else had happened to me, then I should be fine. I hear him telling me that the nightmares and flashbacks are basically my choice.  So when these things happen, there is a bit of come on, Callahan, aren't you done yet? What's taking you so long, and why are you dwelling on things? So many good things are happening; let it go. If it were just that simple, shut the switch off on all your trauma. 

That may be the nature of the beast.  Perhaps, there will always be things that are attached to me. Maybe there will always be moments when it will rear its ugly head, and I will be stopped right where I am. With a history like mine that lasted so many years, with so many things overlapping, and twisting together, triggers are just something that happens. Believe me, if there were a switch, I would have found it, used it, and made sure it was no longer in operation. Nice thought, but we all know it doesn't work that way.  So I keep breathing, keep moving forward, just another step in my healing. 

I heart your heart.