Silence in the Middle

 I was watching a documentary this afternoon, and at one point one of the people were talking about the silence in the middle of people.  And that when there is that kind of silence, it's impossible to connect and be close to someone. All that I could think of was my mom. There was always this silence between the two of us, that was as loud as silence could ever be.  We were never able to connect because I was expected to keep the silence at all costs.  When I found out that another child was living with my father, that wasn't an option for me. I think that there were parts of her that hated me for opening my mouth, for speaking the unspeakable.  This documentary had me thinking about how much abuse is passed from generation to generation!!!  So many generations before us were like, 'It happened, put it behind you, and move on.'  I do not know if my Grandmother was ever abused. I know that she gave a little boy up for adoption and was not allowed to speak about it. I know that she was silenced about things things that happened in her life.  I know that she married an abuser who abused my mother. I know that my mother married an abuser who abused his brothers and both my brother and I. I wonder how many generations back that abuse really goes. In my father's family, he abused his brothers. Was he abused by his father? I do not know for sure. I know that there was mental illness on my fathers side, and that his mom had relatives that that were never spoken about that today we understand as intellectual disability. There are a great many things that were never discussed on either side of the family. What a tragedy that no one on either side chose to say this isn't okay, that these things should not be happening, that we are not okay, and that we are going to talk about it. Not one person stood up for those who had been abused. 

When I pressed charges on my father to save Angela, not a single family member reached out, supported, or cared for me; I was entirely on my own throughout the entire process. Even when I got back from testifying and my mother picked me up at the airport, she never asked me how it went or anything about my experience. When his case took a plea, she gave me a hug and said, 'It's all over, it's all over.' Little did she know that nothing was over; there was still a great deal of work to do. 

I think of my Uncle.  He was abused by my father and you would think when his abuser had children he would, try to protect me and say something, but that wasn't the case at all. Years later when I became an adult, and we were sitting in his kitchen I was shocked by his question did your father hurt you ?  What I had never said a thing, how would he know ? So he knew what my father as capable of and did nothing ?  Does that make him a victim ? A monster or both? To let another child suffer like he had is incomprehensible to me. I will never understand. He brought it up and when I chose to speak about it and press charges, the tables turned 180.  He did talk with a detective about what happened to him, but then said he would make my father look like a fucking saint if they made him come and testify in court. Why was there no understanding or desire to keep others safe.  

I believe Amelia has helped usher in a new generation of strong women in this family. She will be allowed to speak, she will be allowed to feel, and to grieve, and to talk about all the things, from the smallest to the largest details of her life. I hold my heart and think this started with me. I chose differently. I will always chose the hard thing, the right thing the thing that is the right thing to do. I raised my children differently, and she has a very different life from any previous generation. I am slowly, getting to know the other side of her family and I hope that they also would allow her to speak her truth, scream it from the treetops if she needed too. She is a new generation, and there are many things that I hope to help her understand; and I hope that she will be proud. 

I wish that there were easy answers to understand this kind of generational trauma, and the need for silence that is passed down over and over again. It creates so much damage across the life span, and a kind of normalcy is placed on the most atrocious things. So many times, I have heard people say, it's over put it past you, move on. Even with out an understanding of Trauma why are we telling people that what happened to them didn't matter ? All these years later and all the work that  I have done, that is a struggle, I was told too many times to count that I just needed to move on.  Each time that I stood up for Angela, I was met with gasps, and disgust because I was choosing to stand up and use my voice to protect others. My own family never understood my need to protect others, and I was made the troublemaker, I was the one they labeled as living in the past and unwilling to let things go.  I will never understand that time and how I was treated and I know that from this point on, I chose to stand and to continue to make a difference. I have always done the things that I did to protect others, but each time that I do I heal myself a little more and that is a feeling that no amount of generational trauam can ever steal from me.  No more silence, just care, trust and a passion to make sure that will be afforded to others. 

I heart your heart.