So much, and the tears just don't stop. Today I told a friend I was officially licensed, and she asked if she could give me a hug. I told her that I would cry, and it didn't bother her one bit. She gave me a hug, and not only did she give me a hug, but she held on because she knew I needed it. That is a true friend. That was the best part of my entire day. Those are the moments that hit at the very core of my being. Those true moments mean the world. I have had very few of them in my lifetime, so when I find them, or they find me I hold on with all that I am.
I think I am learning that I have a happy personality and yet a very sad soul. Lately, I think that sad soul has been aching. Aching for connection, aching for things to be different, aching that there is still an ache to be felt. It's not an angry soul, but a quiet one that carries so much. It's just a soul that carries such a great deal of grief that it may take her a lifetime to overcome. It's deeper than sadness and more than despair; it's a place that often has no words and offers little comfort. There is comfort in whales, in her granddaughter, in her friends who hold on when she needs it. In her everyday, that sad soul is there in the quiet moments when there are no demands, just presence. In the moments I have listened to a song for the thousandth time and can finally feel the words, that sad soul lets the tears fall.
I am in a new place, with new accomplishments, and I often don't understand the kind of sadness that I feel. In all the happiness, this sadness. In all the surviving and thriving this tug that things could change in an instant. I think there is this fear that somehow all that I am accomplishing isn't meant for me, and if I am not careful, someone or something is going to pull that rug right out from under me, and I don't know if I would be ok.
Even with Spunky, I feel her getting softer, coming closer with a heaviness, an intense heart, and it scares me. Spunky and my sad soul are hand in hand, and I want something different for us both. I want freedom, I want rest, and I want a place where we can both smile, no words needed, and just breathe.
When a person is genuinely happy but has such a sad soul, it's such a strange place to be. Maybe the sad soul comes from my trauma goggles and how I see the world. Maybe the sad soul is just the girl that i have always been. When you are genuinely happy, and then, in your quiet moments, this sad soul wants to crawl in a hole, it's hard to figure things out- hard to find a place to fall where someone can understand both parts that are you through and through.
I am happy, and I am oh so sad. To be both, to feel so deeply, often feels like a curse. So many things are still a challenge: finding a voice for that soul of mine. Being scared of the world is the challenge I have had all my life. To embrace the happy, funny person I am, and to also embrace that sad soul who wants better from people. I keep fighting, and maybe in time, with more healing, this sad soul can be a soul who can afford a few sad days but can enjoy the celebrations of being a mom, a poppy, and a therapist. Space for the sad, but go with the happy. Being deserving of good things isn't something I am used to; maybe it's time I start learning.
I heart your heart.
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