They don't like me

 

Sometimes I hate that I keep trying, when I clearly don't fit in.  Its like that in my Doc Cohort. I try to interact, comment and get looked over every single time. They are condescending and dismissive. There are people who pretend to know everything and nothing you say makes a difference. I am largely ignored, in the group chat and have decided not to keep responding. This is my cohort? The people I am supposed to connect with!! I am trying and its not happening. There were close to 100 messages last night of them talking in circles, I just don't work like that. Everything is funny everything is a joke, and I am the only one not laughing. I have so open and honest, sharing parts of me, who I am and how I work and there is not a single connection. Not everything is a joke that needs sarcasm. I hate being dismissed, when I have important things to share.

I don't know what this means for me, yet I do. It doesn't change a thing, I want it more anyway. It would just be nice to have people on my side, who are a support in the process. Its kind of funny, they talk about how important your cohort is and to lean on them, I would not lean on them for anything.  

Even last week, I was sharing about a client that made me uncomfortable, and she began speaking about a 6 year old. She didn't hear a word I said. Her response was a very clear indication that her story, was bigger and more important. Another classmate was speaking about a girl who disclosed sexual abuse and was brought into custody. They were going back and forth, making statements they knew nothing about. We started to change classrooms, and a women made a comment about hoping the father would rot in prison. It was only her and I left and I shared, a little , talking about my experience with the system and the lack of justice. I got this dismissive look. Like really and she collected her things and left class. I was just sharing from my perspective and felt like I hit a brick wall. The worst feeling. They talk about themselves and their stories all day. When its things that matter, there are no words, just that dissmissiveness that stings me to my core. 

I am hopeful to join other classes and find others who are More my people. I want to find the people that are passionate and want to make a difference. I want people who listen to the stories, and carve a place for the clients. I don't see or hear that from my cohort and its just sad. I don't belong there and I don't want this to become another lonely journey. 

I will listen and smile and slowly back away. There has to be others in the program, who can see my heart and share their own. 

I heart your heart.