Fist fighting A Sandstorm

Yea so its been a long time.  I guess that you could say I have been better.  I have crawled into my shell lately, trying to protect my heart.  I don't want to do it, but it becomes comfy and safe and I need safe.  Life has been better than it ever has and also the roughest place my heart has been for some time . Since the accident I seemed to be spiraling backwards and forwards and every which way, wanting things that are just far enough out of reach.  I keep fighting things that I can't control.  The anger lately has been intense and strong, I can not even tell you the number of times that i have said out loud, I just want to punch them in the face! So not me, but its there and I feel that anger in my bones.  It started with the accident , the chiropractor and a few things at work, the feeling of being overwhelmed is becoming a friend I would rather not have.  A song came out not very long ago and its called fist fighting a sandstorm.  And its like a light bulb went off, that is exactly what things feel like right now.  I fight and fight for myself for my kids for the kids I teach, for those that I don't even know; I fight for all of us.  I am fighting things that I have absolutely no control over, and I am spending all this energy fighting and it feels like its all for nothing. Hence I seem to be fist fighting a sandstorm and I don't want to anymore.

The people in my life are changing, the things I value are changing there are so many changes and I am trying to keep up and keep going and its difficult.  There are so many things to get out of my head and yet nothing comes. Words and thoughts do't come together to make any kind of sense.  I am the most alone that I have been in a long time, and just wanting to crawl in a hole. I am pulling away from people from things that just are not good for me.  The problem is that I am also pulling away from those things that are good for me.   I am fighting letting people go that are not there and have not been in a very long time, its about the letting go and holding on and I am holding on to some things for dear life.  Some things are so easy to walk away from and yet others weigh heavy on my soul.

I have people telling me that the things I need to heal are things that only god can fix at this point....and that leaves me more confused because if that was the case,  I would think he would have helped by now.  Don't get me wrong,  I do see god in many things that have happened in my life when it comes to my past,  I don't have words, for that one I am on my own.  People oh people,  such a love hate.  Some I love more deeply than I ever could imagine and some I hate deeper than the deepest of holes.  People who were once there that have all but disappeared and they talk about loving god and wanting to help people and wanting to bring people closer BUT I am right in front of them and nothing.  And there is a lot of them so I am sure its me and I just don't understand why.

There is a sadness right now that I don't even have words for.  I am in so many ways all on my own.  And absolutely part of that is my own fault, I totally accept responsibility, but on the other hand no one stays, its one of those weird times and I am stuck in that in-between. I want people to be different to be there to remember me, to be the friend that I need and they aren't and I can't keep holding on to things that just are not meant to be.

I think for me I am just this happy person with a sad soul, and maybe that is just what it is supposed to be.  Maybe that is just the way that it is.  There is a happiness, the kids are amazing,  my house is fabulous, I LOVE my job,  but I am left with this sad soul.  The sadness that I feel is so deep that there are no words,  the things I have experienced the things that life has thrown at me, I deal with them all and I fight but they have also taken their toll.  I have found that happy person that has things I have dreamt about for so long.  but my soul is bruised, battered and worn and there is no making that go away, and maybe its that sadness that keeps people away,  I don't know.  I am in this place with so much happy and such a deep sad that I have learned to dance in the rain yet its still raining.

Maybe with more healing it will come, maybe in time it will come maybe it will never come.....

Just a confusing place to be ....I heart your heart.  

Forget me Not take 2

So yea not so OK today.  My brother is in town, and again no communication no nothing.  Nothing new, but it bothers me. That seems to be OK with my mom, but Why ? I do't understand.  I woke up this morning did some work in my art journal, oh it feels good, at least it gets the things that swirl in my head out. But my heart is not in a good place, its sad and alone. And those stupid memories from face-book, a post that came about some years ago, and it was called forget me not.  And I read it and there were tears, there were messages from people telling me that I was not forgotten, that I was OK exactly where I was and they lied because none of those people are in my life, no one cared to stick around.  And I don't understand.  These last few weeks have been more than hard and since the accident I haven't exactly been in a good place.  Its the present its the past and its right here where I am and I want to curl up in a ball.  Maybe this is just one of those times, one of those seasons, when things are rough.  One of those seasons where I think WOW, I have all the things that I have ever wanted, and yet, there is that sadness that I can't explain.  And there are parts of me that don't even know where it comes from anymore. Oh,  I do know, because its never far away, but I want to ignore and pretend that it isn't there.  The emergency room was a huge trigger that I can't shake.  The nightmares have been constant, waking up in that terror state and not being able to relax, that is where I have been. People grabbing you and you just can't get away.   I feel like the people that I need are so very far away and there is nothing I can do.  I want to scream I want to reach out and I am not sure if I can or if I would even let myself.  I feel myself pulling away some for fear of people leaving, and that is beyond terrifying.  Just like that blog years ago, those people lied,  where I was wasn't OK,  nothing changed, they lied, they all lied and that more than bothers me.
People can say anything they want but actions that is what matters.  People say lots of things and mean very little, I have learned this the hard way.  Oh yes I love you, then you hurt me.  Oh yes you are fine exactly where you are yet you are shunned for your questions.  Oh yes you are loved yet are not included with visitors.  Really you would think I would get used to this, but I don't and it never gets easier, never hurts any less, and it just sucks.

I think that I am learning the hard way,  that I am mostly on my own.  I have the occasional friend, the occasional one who never forgets, but in the every day, I am just your normal everyday forget me not.  And it has got to be me, because its so many, and I just don't have a clue what to do with that.  As much as I need others and want people around,   not sure that being vulnerable is good for me anymore.  I hold on too tight and I am just going to smile,  laugh pretend that I fit in, there is always that feeling that knowing deep down,  that I don't.  So its me. Who I am, in my bones.  I am lonely, there are not people to share with, and the longer that I want things that are not meant for me the more that they will hurt.  When am I ever going to learn.  I am just going to be me,  you can just be you and lets leave it at that.  Forget me not.

I will always heart your heart.

Irreparable Damage, Brutally Broken

Sometimes things happen and I realize just how broken that I still am. Its so deep that I truly feel brutally broken and that is just the way that it is.   I also realize that I do need people to be gentle with me, to be a little more understanding a little more , oh I don't know, I am just a little more fragile than I would like to admit, and that truly sucks.  Maybe that; that is the nature of being broken in such a way ?  Maybe there are parts of me that are irreparable, that no amount of time and love can fix.  Maybe that is just the way that it is.  And I can move on and get better and find joy, even  but those moments, they may get few and far between but oh the sadness, and pain and loss.   I have run from that for a long time, I am more fragile and I expect others to be more careful.  There you go I said it.  I will not break we know that  already, but my outside protection is not so thick, not so shatterproof. I have all my pieces but I am working on putting them all back together. That makes me think of the scene in Prince of Tides when their house is broken into. Lives are changed forever and yet they clean up and all are sitting down together to eat dinner, or at least trying.  And the little girl Savannah has her little dress on inside out and is trying to fit the pieces of a broken figurine back together and they just aren't fitting together.  And she is in her own little world just trying to put the pieces back together.  I can so relate to her, wanting so much for something to go back together.  Often lately the glue that I use just doesn't keep things in place and I feel every single after affect that there could possibly be. If I have not broken yet I am not going too, but know I am also not shatterproof, and be careful, this person has been through a heck of a lot and I am fighting my way through and back to the life that I want.

And I realize this sometimes in the simplest of things in the most normal experiences, that for me its different.  I see it different experience it different and that is the way that it is. When I was in a car accident Tuesday afternoon, and had to make a trip to the ER, I realized just how rough that it was.

The entire experience was flashbacks and memories and pictures and I was literally wanting to crawl out of my skin.  I didn't want to be who I was, I wanted to go away far away and pretend that I was fine.  I wanted to run from the ER tell them to forget it.  Even in the ER when everyone had come and gone and I was left waiting, the words came out of my mouth that if someone came in wanting anything else that I was going to punch someone in the face.  I was that serious and not kidding. I was that upset, that triggered.  I just want to be acknowledged.  If they would have come in, said who they were what they were doing it would have been so incredibly different.  They didn't.  Didn't even look me in the eye.  It brought me back to so many feelings that I hate that I wish were not that I wish I never knew.  And if they were just a little careful, things would have been different, it still would have been hard but it wouldn't have brought me back to the feelings that I dread most in this life.

There is a part of me that is ticked that it bothered me so much, that it should not have,  and there is the problem it SHOULD NOT have but it did , that is the reality, that is my truth and ignoring it wishing it wasn't there or was something different does not do me any good.  There is no SHOULD that is just how it was.  The truth is it mattered, and it really bothered me and its only a disservice to myself pretending I am fine, or that I was overreacting I can beat myself up with the best of them and I just can't do that anymore.

I am sure that part of the mood was because of the concussion.  I was more than upset and kept saying if anyone else walks in here and doesn't even look at me I am going to punch someone that feeling was more than strong and I was that upset. I was more than serious,  and the panic was rising.No one was noticing a thing, no one was aware that I was not OK, or that I was struggling keeping everything together. I was close to tears I can't even tell you how many times. I knew that if the tears started they could not have stopped and it would not have had anything to do with the accident.  I just wanted someone to notice, to see to look at me, and notice that I wasn't OK and it had nothing to do with the car accident, absolutely nothing.

I am sure there were parts of the entire situation that were because of the concussion and there is nothing I can do about that, but I can do something with my feelings,  they need to be heard.   Because if I can deal with them as they come and not stuff them pretend they don't exist I will be better off.  There is a part of me that is worried about people , what they will think of me,  because lately I seem to be loosing people right and left.  I don't understand but it is what it is, I can't fight for anyone else but myself, so I fight for my heart back. NO one can or would ever want to experience life like I have. I have to believe that the right people will stay that they will still stand by my side.

So I get to the ER, I thought OK it won't be busy Tuesday night 5, wow was I wrong.  I sat there wanting to do nothing but go to sleep.  My neck and shoulders hurt but the headache was the worst, the second that he hit me, I felt it move up the back of my head to my forehead it was bad!!!      And constant.  I really didn't want to go, but realized that he hit me so hard he opened the sunroof that is really hard, and the headache was scary bad, I felt like i was in a daze and I hate that feeling.

They ask you all the intake questions, over and over and all the answers were the same.  And they send you back out to wait to be called back.  They finally put me in a room.  The Dr came right in, and wanted me to lay back, I was lets say a little feisty, I was like no thank you, and he said OK is there a reason and I was like yea I don't want to.  And I couldn't turn my head and he stood there talking behind me and I physically moved to be able to look at him, CRAZINESS, and he said with the headache, that I was going to need to put a collar on get a CT scan and then we could go from there.  I understood it was to keep me safe what he didn't understand was how triggering that it would be for me. And honestly I didn't realize it either.

And so it began, the panic, flashbacks, and   the feeling like I couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow,  it felt terrible.  And I can not even put words to what it is like, but it is not good, and brought terror to my heart.  I know that it was in the ER and it was meant for my safety but my heart was experiencing the past,  and I would start to tear up and stop.  I went between tears and rage in a matter of seconds.  It was really hard for me.  And I tried laying down, but with that thing on, you can't really move much,  and it makes it feel like its choking you and makes it hard to swallow, I understand its supposed to help but for me it was about as far as you could get with that.  For me people have been at my throat wanting me to do things and those feelings were swirling in my head, the tears would come and then I would get more than angry. More tears and more anger. This is not how things should be  And then the room got busy more and people wanting blood and urine, and pictures and more information and yet no one looks at you no one acknowledges you , they come get what they want and leave.  What so many have done and its terrifying honestly. And how in the world am I supposed to explain that to people ?  I can't so I just have to deal with the consequences.  And that leaves my heart hurting, and I want to scream and punch people in the face and yell at them that I was there I was there and you didn't even see me, and I wasn't OK and you didn't care.  You didn't see the tears and even know if I was OK?  You didn't see the panic the terror, you missed it and I once again had to sit in it, because there there was no one to help.  It was so awful and I tried to fight it, I kept telling myself that it wasn't happening  anymore that things were OK and that just wasn't working.  Then they finally come and take you for the CT scan.  She was nice,  but once I was laying there,  there was no communication and I started to shake, the panic was real and what was I supposed to do.  So you do everything that you are told and hope that you are still in one piece in the end.  My back started to spasm,  and I had to move my legs, and honestly I waited until the last second thinking I was doing something terribly wrong and no one said a word.  I just want people to notice and to see,   I was a person in that ER, and if you would have just taken that few seconds to stop and see me,  it would have made more of a difference than you could ever imagine.  I was not OK, and am still trying to get my thoughts together.  No most can not know but they can be more understanding and that will change more than you could ever imagine. In times like these I think of the saying time heals all things, no it doesn't at all but it does change them.  Am I broken yep, brutally yes sometimes. Am I worse than many others?  I am just me and we all have our stories this is just mine.  

I heart your heart.

When one door closes....... 2016

I have thought about this for weeks now.  I have started many times and deleted many times.  How do I even begin to put this year into words.  The things that I am look back on the things that made the most difference the things that were the most difficult.  The things that stood out the most.  The people that you thought were forever and people that you never imagined were forever but in so many ways are.  It was that kind of year.  There were great milestones that happened and things that I never expected.  There were things that broke my heart and things that have healed.  So yes you could say that this year was a year and a half for me, it was hard, really hard.  And if you know me at all Callahan is always OK, but really I am not.  My heart was stepped on and there were many days I didn't have a clue what was next. But I can say that each time I was almost done another door opened.....leading me exactly where I was supposed to be.

The year started with leaving a job as a long term sub ,  it wasn't right I knew that but it was a job and money, a real true paycheck. All things that I needed, I had graduated but no job.   I did the right thing and I took the job.  The teachers were amazing, I LOVED the kids, but I was not happy.  But then I got a call about being a long term sub for Plano.  It was a long hard decision, I felt like I was letting the kids down that were in my third grade class. I also had to do what was right for me, and going to Plano where I could make something of myself where I could grow and learn and be in a district where there were things for me to accomplish, that was a necessity.  And so I took that job which turned into a full time position as an aide.  Which by the beginning of the year turned into a full time Special Ed teaching position I was meant to leave the district that I was in and move to Plano.

The kids turned 11 on April 22 and I just can not believe it.  They are not little anymore.  They are turning into these amazing people that I can't believe are mine.  That I get to be their mom that they are my son and daughter, is more than amazing.  I love to see the people that they are becoming things they like and don't like, things that they think about the world around them.  I have often this year beat myself up for not being enough, and then I look at them and think I am doing something right.  They started the sixth grade!  Wow, that made this momma's heart hurt.  Middle school is so very hard and I more than worried about them.  I want so many good things, and worry about them oh so much. I have tried really hard this year to remind myself that the life that they have growing up is so very different, they don't have to be afraid all the time.  They have things so different, and I have to remind myself of that all the time.  They are coming into their own asking more questions and understanding more.  This was a big year for them. When we made the trip to Colorado,  I knew that the time had come to have the hard conversations about their conception.  Of coarse it was age appropriate and my favorite person was there to help.  I didn't have the strength on my own, but I knew in my heart it was time.  They got some of their answers that their little hearts longed for they did way better than I ever imagined.  It affected me way more than I ever imagined that it would. It was more than hard, a conversation that non mom ever wants to have but they know that I love them more than anything in the world.  And in those horrible moments of what was taken from me, I was given my biggest blessings.  I can say with out any doubt, I am sure that if it wasn't for them I would not be here.   And I do not mean that as a burden on my children at all, I mean that as the worlds biggest blessing that I could ever have. They are what matters, they are everything.  I am glad that I told them, and glad that there are no secrets.  I can not change things, can not make them better but I can be there and hold their heart as we make it through together.  Vincent plays hockey and loves it more than almost anything, he would live at the ice if I let him.  He plays the violin and it isn't as painful as I imagined, he really enjoys it and is pretty good.  His heart is kind, he gave his last dollar to someone in need often buys lunch or takes food for other students.  He is pretty amazing, I often watch him in awe.   Mariska is involved with student counsel,  is in Choir and does a program called Whiz Kids.  Its for smart kids, and imagine that she loves it.   She still reads books like they are nothing she reads books inches thick in a day and moves on to the next one.

Another big decision for me was participating in a documentary about pressing charges on my father and going thru the court system. I am not sure that it was even a conscience decision it was something that I was meant to do, I was meant to meet these people.  I was meant to find my voice and tell my story.  These were forever people that I never imagined I would ever meet.  It was more than hard.  But I can tell you that during that trip to DC those people cared for my heart with every gentleness that I needed, every kindness that you can imagine.  It will come out in 2016 and I look forward to where I will be lead, the people I can help and the growing relationships of these forever people.  The moments that I had to say goodbye to Neil and he so gently touched my face.  Oh that meant the world and still brings tears to my eyes. To Valerie for wanting the best for me for helping in oh so many ways.  For helping me, the kids, she gave oh so much, I am forever grateful.  For our conversation on the couch, that last picture, that we took before we headed to the airport, she had an understanding of my heart like no other.  And Jim the camera man, oh the kindness the genuineness, how  the words he spoke, went straight to my heart, he was thanking me, and so gently touched my arm.  When touch is a scary dark thing for you and you have people touch you in the most kind and gentle way it leaves the best and most wonderful feelings.  I didn't often have that loving kind touch and to have that, to have found that from these people at 40 meant more than any word I could ever write it was the most wonderful unimaginable amazing thing and I am forever grateful.  These people blessed my life in so many ways and I look forward every day to the day I will see them again.  Just to be in their presence.  And even Carlos who wasn't in the picture, he had already left he had a quiet kindness, and I was grateful.

There were all the tests that I passed for my teacher certifications,  and passed them all on the first try.  I was meant to teach and I dragged my heals but was meant to teach special ed, I have an understanding and care for their hearts.  I have a job that I absolutely love.  Each and every day I love getting up.  I teach them but I can tell you that I am sure I am the one who is being taught.  They have so much to say we just have to listen.  I am listening and loving it.  I am at a school where I am needed and appreciated, its all good there.

So many good things, We got our most amazing house and its still so surreal, I often look around and still can't believe it.  I still have so many questions that i ask myself if I am worth it, if I deserve to be here, if I am crazy insane ?!?  Don't answer that last one, but     its so perfect for us.  From our little town to the creek behind us to my very own room and very own bed.  Its about the little things.  I have a huge garden tub,  that once the kids are in bed I can enjoy, well maybe not enjoy but at least try.  Rome wasn't built in a day, I am working on it.  But its amazing my children sleeping in their own rooms, and having some personal space.  I can say there have been many tears, in this new house.  But that is just my heart.  We love it,  even the drive, the early morning traffic we would do it all again.  We were meant to be here, our very own safe place,  I have longed and dreamed of this for so long and its here, it's real and its all mine. It is more than perfect for us, I just have to  believe that I am making the right choices and doing the right thing for the kids and I.  In my heart I am I just need my brain to catch up.

Yea, then there is this heart of mine.  It is tired, scared, worried, hurt, oh so many things.  So many pieces are falling into place my heart is taking some time, OK a LOT of time to follow.  So many questions that  long to be heard and understood.  This process that my heart is on is a life long one and my heart is better then it has been but there was a lot of hurt even with all the good this year and its going to take time to heal.  I have to learn to be gentle and kind to myself, because I am not.  People would be ashamed if they heard the things that go through my head, the things I say to myself.  I am embarrassed myself, things I would never think of saying to anyone yet its me and that somehow makes it ok. So I keep working on that.  There are things that I am working on, working on really hard, that are just plain difficult and there are no easy way through them.  The only way to do it is right thru it, and that is easier said than done.  Sleep doesn't come easy and most nights are still filled with nightmares. But I am doing everything in my power to continue to work and heal this heavy tired heart of mine.  Just this heart will be one of the last pieces to fall into place, and I know that I will.  Not once have I ever given up, and I won't start now.  My past is going to be one of those things that I will deal with forever ad ever and some days are going to be easier than others.  Just a rough patch,  but I will make it.  Is my heart OK no. No my heart isn't OK right now, but someday, it will be.

I have found, well OK I can so not take credit for this but  Amy Wiebe found the most amazing church for me and I had the courage to follow thru.  Pastor Jason is so what this heart needs and its good for my soul.  He is genuine and real, and its hard to follow thru but I am sure that he meant to and that means the world.  He hears me and he sees me,  he knows as i do that there are no answers to my questions, but he hears them.  I think I ma most grateful for this place,  I feel like i can grow and be understood here.  With friends and other churches in the past I was never enough.  My faith was never enough.  My questions were never OK.  My doubting was never OK.  My lack of not knowing was not OK....here all those things are OK.  I can just be me and that is totally OK.  I am a broken mess most of the time and I am not shunned or turned away.  I have the most amazing city group, people that are truly amazing.  They even all came and celebrated my first Thanksgiving in my new house, it was MARVELOUS!!!  These are the people that I need to hold onto.  They are OK with me exactly where I am and that feels good.  I am still guarded, still scared but I am opening more and more and I have been blessed by these people more than they will ever know.  Truly grateful to call these people my friends.  My faith has never been enough, and I was turned away.  My faith is enough, and it may look different but its enough and that stands for so much. Oh I LOVE these people, truly GRATEFUL. I do hope that these are forever people. I need forever, not seasons.  Yes there is a time, but I need forever.  

I am sure there are so many other things that have happened but these are the big ones.  I am looking forward to the new year and all that it will hold for me.  I think that a theme for me is going to be letting go.  Letting go of the words that have hurt that have damaged my heart.  That I have never been enough,
I AM ENOUGH.  And where I am is OK.  People don't understand my journey and honestly I don't most of the time either but its mine and I am doing the best that I can.  I look forward to even more pieces falling into place, and opening up, sharing more and growing to be comfortable in my own skin.  I look forward to my voice being shared, and making a difference for others.

I used to always want more than anything for people to understand me and where I was coming from I want them to see things through my eyes and I have realized that just isn't an option.  People can not see or experience what I have seen, its not possible.  If you haven't been there you just do't know and there is no way that you can.  I have to learn this and let go of some of the questions that swirl in my head that there just aren't answers too, some things I will never know.  My life has been hard, but its getting better and I am beyond blessed and more than grateful.

2016..all I can say is hold on to your hats my friends, if you are on this ride with me its going to be amazing.  Good things are in store, because I won't settle for anything else.

I heart your heart. 

Let go Callahan, its going to be all right. 

For me , I want more than a season

This one is just for me.  It seems that I tend to get close to people and hold on for dear life.  People become so very important to me and yet I am not important to them, sometimes maybe a little important but often not.  And sometimes that hurts more than I would ever like to admit.  Maybe its time I learn to let go,  stand back and just observe.  And I think at the same time would I really want to miss out ?  And the truth is I don't have a clue because those moments when you realize that you aren't important to people and are not mentioned and are close by and yet you don't get a visit.  Oh I try so hard for those things not to bother me but they do, they do a lot.  And maybe it has nothing to do with me but it feels like it and it hurts , hurts a lot. And I know its stupid, crying over a family letter and all the visitors that were there and yet no mention of your visit, it hurts.  Maybe it shouldn't but it does, and it honestly breaks my heart a little.  And I think, I just need to let go.  And the thought of doing that, breaks my heart even more, because they are just that important.

I have always said I don't want people to treat me any differently but the truth is I do.  I want people to be more careful more understanding and more careful with my feelings.  I want people to take a little extra time and be a little extra kind, a little more patient because I need that.  When my favorite person was here I really needed him, even if for a few minutes, that would have meant the world and   maybe it was just circumstances, but even a hello would have meant the world.

Do I hold on too tight ?  Maybe they are my friend, but I am not theirs ?  I just wish that there were some answers.  I have been looking at these questions for years and still nothing.  There are always going to be things that are different, the way I see things, the way I experience the world, but I am reaching out and doing things that I never imagined doing.  But I don't want any more people in my life for a season or two I want forever and maybe that is just too much to ask.

And I am sure that its not just this either its the build up of not being important, not being noticed. Not being someones person. And for someone like me, those things blare at me because the last thing you ever want to be  is a burden.  But it would be awesome to be as important to others as they are to you.  I hope that makes sense.  That is what I want more than anything is to be as important to people as they are too me.  I know I hold on tight, probably too tight, but I need that I need people and I need to be important.  I need to know and feel like i am important to people.  I am never that person that is needed, I am always the needy one, or at least that is how it feels and its not a fun place to be.  Just where I am,  I do so good at moving, and I keep going anf going then the dam breaks and tonight it broke and it hurt.  I want to be more than just a season for people, I want more.  And I don't know if that is even ok, but I want so much more for myself and from others.

Maybe someday. 

Ingrid Michaelson   : Someday

I heart your heart. 

Our Moving Story

I write this with smiles and tears.  Things did not happen the way that I thought that they would.  But Hello I am a Callahan and I can tell you that not many things work as I think they will or should for that matter.  It has been a rough few months, and an even harder last few weeks.  Things I don't understand, questions, oh I have so many questions.  But I am here, I am beyond blessed and The Callahan's are moving. And by the time I am sitting here writing this I am writing from my new home.

A friend said that she would help us find a place, I was grateful.   Between emails things were not working, I was disappointed, I didn't understand.  So I contacted a friend of mine and asked for the number of the realtor that she worked with.  I texted and called and I heard right back.  She was not a specialist in the area but knew of someone that was and got me in touch with them.  With in the hour I got a call saying he would love to help us that his wife was a retired teacher, and that they were both at times single parents.  He was so awesome on the phone and so looking forward to helping us find our very own home.  They were amazing, listening and giving me advise, listening to all of my questions.  It was a perfect fit.  She was sending me houses that she thought I would like. Many of them were in this one neighborhood, that I Absolutely loved.  Kinda reminded me of a little town in Boston, and felt like the right place.  There were a few that were a total yes, and of coarse they were gone before you had the chance to even send another email.  There were those that you think, OH MY no that will just not work. Then we found the perfect house on Creekview DR.  Oh it was more than perfect.  It took over a week and a half to get in touch with the landlord, my realtors just would never hear from anyone. Then finally they did and asked when we could go see it.  I sent a frantic message back saying I got off school at 3:30 and we would head that way.  I sent the kids a text at school telling them that we finally heard back and were going right after school.

I am not sure that much work got done,  I really loved the house.  We made it there in no time ready to see our new home.  We looked in the windows checked everything out, as we waited for our realtors to let us in.  We were more than happy.  Then we looked at the house next door, and there was a guy outside, and he said oh well this one is for lease too, we are moving in about a week.  OK thanks, but I honestly didn't give him the time of day.   I kind of laughed and blew him off, I said thanks and continued checking out our home.  Our realtors showed up, and we walked in.  The house and the set up were perfect.  We walked in and I think the house could have been, anything and we would have loved it.  It was kind of messy but all i could see was where all of my pictures were going to go, where my whales, and shelves and furniture were going to go.  The carpet was a mess, there was a lot for them to fix.  There was a lot that was out of sorts, things left behind, but I am not sure that I cared.  The realtors were upset at the shape of the house and started making calls, they were making lists of all the things that needed to be fixed.  They were listening to me, and wanted things to be great.  We walked outside, and it was a perfect little porch, and a good sized back yard.  But then Vincent looked next door and was like mom but look at that deck (On the house next door )  yes it was amazing but we weren't looking at that house.  We walked around some more checking out the kitchen, living room, the kids rooms it was surreal and amazing.  I said yes that we would take it and asked what I need to do next.  There were many conversations back and forth and the following day they said fill out the application and they should get back to you with in a day or two.

So I did that filled out the application and waited and waited.  Then waited some more for what felt like a million years.  I called the company asking about it to make sure that everything was taken care of, and finally got a real live person.  She was like oh yea that is pretty fast looks like the application has gone to the owner for approval.  Oh I am sure that my heart was busting.  There were these great pictures in my head of how things were going to look.  And then the email we are sorry to tell you that the owner rejected your application.  I got the email at school and the tears started, but why, this was more than perfect,  there was no real reason why this house shouldn't have been ours it was everything perfect, It was bright and open and perfect.   I contacted the realtor, neither one of us really understood.  Because my credit was really good, things were all in line but still we were declined for that perfect house.  And I must say that my heart was more than a little broken.  Finding a place was not an option,  we needed to be out yesterday and things were not happening as I had imagined.  I texted the kids let them know, the disappointment was looming in the air.  And it was really hard looking at other houses when I had already found the perfect one!

Giving up was not an option and the realtor sent more homes, some were OK some I didn't even look at, then I thought what about that house next door, I asked the kids what they thought,  and asked if they wanted to get the phone number and just see what they had to say.  So once again after school, we drove to our perfect little neighborhood, and we got the phone number off the lease sign in the front yard.  What could it hurt right ???  What was the worst that they could say ??? No again ?  Well that was my worst fear.

So we got the number and drove to the CVS on the corner and made the call.  I have to say I was more than a little worried. The message on the phone was like don't leave a message I don't answer,  and she repeated herself and I was like oh man,that is a little harsh...so I sent her a text and I heard right back, and she seemed so very nice. She asked if We could get in touch the following day that she was having people over for diner.  She apologized, more than once , little did she know I was just more than relieved that she was so kind.  I needed kind, LOTS of kind.  And again I was excited and looking forward to speaking with her.  I sleep little and slept even littler this night, I was so looking forward to speaking with her and maybe seeing this new house.  The one right next to the one that I thought was perfect that we were denied, with the big deck in the back, yes that one.  316 Creekview.

So, it was the day that I was also scheduled to take my Sped certification at noon.    I dropped the kids off at school and went and sat in the library parking lot until it was time to leave for my test..  There was lots of crying in the car that morning.  I was worried.  I had to find a house, things were so rushed, and I wanted things to be right for the kids and I.  We needed a place to call our very very on home. My heart was confused and hurt and I wanted this to be right.  I was worried about taking my test,  my job was riding on the fact that I needed to pass this test.   And with the heartache there was also a calmness. I knew that I was meant to have this job and I would pass the test just like I had passed all the others, and I would do it with flying colors. SO I was supposed to call her at 10 am.  And I dialed the phone praying this would be a good fit, that this would be the right place for us.  And I can not tell you the relief, she was amazing!!!  She was kind, and nice and was telling me all that she wanted for this house.  The things that she was saying YES YES, those are all the things I want in my home.  I want a home a place to live and take care of that is my very own.  We talked about the house, the tenants when they wee leaving, when we could go by and see it.  Everything about that conversation in that library parking lot was perfect.  Things felt so right.  I spoke with her for about 30 minutes, and my face hurt from smiling we clicked, she hadn't even put the house back on the market. And yet here we were in the most wonderful conversation about the most perfect house.  We hung up, and I balled my eyes out, I think we just found a house I kept saying to myself over and over.  I texted the kids told them how awesome that she was.  That we were going to set a time to go see it, see if it was what we wanted, it this was the right place for us.  I gave her my email, and she sent me the application, things seemed to be turning around.

Through the tears I got a text asking if I was taking my test yet,  um no.  And one of my students had a rough morning, so I smiled and I ran to school to check and make sure that he was ok.  That I knew I would be back the following day.  My co-workers were amazing and took extra care of him. I was grateful and I knew that I belonged here at this school with these students and these teachers.  I got to print off the application, and things were good.  My student was well taken care of,  I was scheduled to go see a house, and I was on my way to take my test for something that I was meant to do.  Today was going to be a great day.  I left work feeling like i belonged.

And I was on my way, to take my test with my heart full,  things were going to be ok.

I arrived early for my test, and there was not a nervous bone in my body.  I was more than ready for this. I  knew this, it was my heart, all the time that i spent in the self contained class last year, with amazing teachers  was more than great practice, and during the test I heard her voice and all the explanations of the how's and why's.    I answered the questions thinking, yes, I totally have this,  the answers came easy.   I finished the test in about an hour an a half and ran back to school to check on my student, he smiled and I talked with him for a few minutes. He was good.

The following day we were supposed to go see the house, the old tenants were Supposed to be out.  They were not, and I was disappointed but Kim said no worries that they remembered me and were more than happy to let me in and see. We went in and it was not what I expected, because honestly the picture that I had in my head was of the one next door.  And I am not even sure I saw a lot of the house,  I just was envisioning where our things were going to go and what it would look like once we decorated it.  I called her and told Kim the landlord how much we liked it and it was quite unbelievable.  She had not listed the house, not doe anything and here I was looking at our house.  We met her that Thursday and I gave her the deposit we had a house.  And we were going to  start moving our things in the following week. There was a little drama, the family was not in any rush to leave, and I was in the biggest rush to get in.  They kept saying they were going to be out then were not, then it was that the truck wasn't big enough.  The electricity was shut off.  It was one thing after the other.  For me it didn't feel real, I needed this house and I needed them to be out.
I didn't have a clue how it was all going to work, My city group at church was amazing, they said not to worry that they would help me move,  that felt great.  These people had not even known me for very long and they were stepping up for me.  Then I got a message and that someone completely understood, and they were taking care of the movers for me.  I cried and cried and cried some more, I was beyond blessed and I can't tell you, the relief.  I was beyond grateful.

The last few weeks were more than rough and I needed so much help, I needed understanding and I got that in the most amazing ways.  It was happening, I had my house.  It still makes me cry.  There are so many other little pieces that all came together.  Beds were an issue we had to have beds.  We got beds, we got our TV, the stand, things were all falling into place.  And in the middle of all that I passed my test.  WooHoo, I am a completely certified teacher in every area in Texas.  Wow me dreams ere coming true on every front.

Finally moving day was here,  and all the packing we had done there was more to do.  I had to run pick up the furniture, and a few of the guys from church didn't hesitate to help.  And the couch was so big, it didn't fit in the  truck and  Dan, who had made plans for his anniversary said you need to have it now, and he filled his tank with gas loaded the couch and followed us to Anna , I had my living room set.  The kindness that I received, was beyond amazing. Tovah wrote me a card and I cried most of the way to Anna,  beyond blessed,  things that I don't even have words for, that are the magnificent and amazing.  So now the living room was in my new house, back to meet the movers.  The movers were there and started moving,  oh the commotion was everywhere,  the panic and anxiety were unbelievable there were moments of hiding just trying to believe. This was my moving day.

Then the truck was completly full a 24 foot truck,  kind of funny they even had to strp the dollies to the outside of the truck, they were so full.  Yep, the Callahan's have a lot of stuff.  Only one small load that I would have to go back and get.  We were off to my house.  My house that sounded so very amazing.


So we made it to my house and the unpacking began,  waiting for installers, and deliveries.  After some time, we were at peace.  My children and I had a home and it was perfect.  It was open and bright,  we had a library,  our own rooms.  I am sure that its all still sinking in.  Different freedoms that having our own home allows, I honestly don't have words.  So many things I will never understand, but pieces fell together people stepped in to help, and I sit and write this my children sleeping in their own rooms, my things are everywhere, my beautiful pictures covering every wall.  My kitchen filled with my things, and the cats, oh we have our cat back and things are amazing.

The stars are more than amazing,  the sunrise and sunsets are something special and we enjoy every single one.  Our home is a work in progress but its our home, and our things and I am grateful.  And in another post we even had Thanksgiving with friends and it was amazing.  Good things are happening, good things.

To so very many of you for holding my heart, I am truly grateful.

I heart your heart.            

I run a one legged race

It was explained to me a few weeks ago that i basically run a one-legged race.  And the lights and whistles went off in my head!!! Yea that is a great way to describe it.  I run a one-legged race and that is the problem, that is the facts that I face in this life.  I run life in a one-legged race, always trying to catch up always trying to learn the things that I never learned when I was supposed to. It is not an excuse not a way out it is just how I live life how I see the world around me, and experience everything around me.  I am doing more; stepping out of my comfortable little bubble more than I am even comfortable with, but I am doing it. I can tell you that its more than terrifying, sometimes even breathing is a struggle.  Taking a new job, new church new people and oh yea going to be moving soon, like few weeks soon! And I am a little stressed, WHO me YES VERY !!!! My heart aches.

And I am trying to be joyful and happy and look at things all positive and truth is I am not sure that I am winning. I take a few steps forward and even more back It makes me sad that I am always behind, that there are always things that I don't understand. That there are not those automatic people to call and ask my questions too. There are always things that scare me, that give me a view of the world as unkind and hurtful. And that is something I believe that I will always try to shake but I also believe that there are always going to be pieces of that alive and well deep in my soul. Part of running that one legged race.

I just fight and fight and sometimes always running that race with out people, with out understanding with out compassion is like carrying the weight of the world.  Believe me I know that I do not, I know that others have it worse, a life like mine is lived differently. I know that I am not alone, but trusting someone with my heart, believing that people can understand me not just today or tomorrow but for a long time, maybe even a life time too much to ask ?  MAYBE IT IS .    And many people, most people get tired and loose their compassion they forget where I have come from or don't care at all.   How easy it is to forget those that run a one legged race when others are in for the sprint. I don't want to hold anyone back, that is never my intention,  I just want people to remember the kind of race that I run.

When you have the severity of trauma that I have, that i know all too well, there are limits to compassion. I have experienced it my entire life. Maybe no one is at fault, maybe everyone is at fault, maybe its something else, any way, it still hurts.  People don't realize that, that one time that they were there and saw you crying and gave you a hug, that after they left, it still really hurts. It doesn't go away that quickly. It hurts to the point of painful and it will still hurt for a long time.  People want to give you a hug and say there there all better only its not.  I do understand that it takes a lot to be a friend with someone with a trauma like mine, but it is necessary, we need friends and we need someone around.  We need you to ask if we are ok, we may shrug and need an arm around us letting us know that its all-right,  that you aren't going anywhere that tomorrow will be better.  I need to know That when I need another hug next week, you will still be there . Not judging not thinking I am crazy, but just being there.    Not one hug can fix all that I am working on,  not one year, not just one anything its a journey; a process, and I do not at all want someone to stop their own race.  I hope that no one ever hears me say that.  I just want people to remember where I have come from, why I see the things the way I do and stop just every now and then to make sure that I am ok.  I do not intend to make others stop their race I just need them to understand the kind of race that I face, and how very differently that I run mine. And its a race that I fight to run, every second.

I can apologize for how I am; until I am blue in the face and still my heart will be the same.  I can't keep saying sorry for things that I am working on with all that I am.  I hate that I keep loosing people, I hate that I am not different, that people don't stay around. But I do believe I have found a few more people that are willing to stay and I I have to hold on to that, as I run my very own one legged race, fighting to win this battle.  I just ask that people not loose compassion and understanding, I fight battles you can not even comprehend.  I ask for a little more kindness, a little more understanding that the one who runs with two feet. I may be slower , but I am still here.

I heart your heart.