They say ask for what you need

I am one that has to be literally desperate in order for me to ask for anything.   And when I finally ask and things go bad....I think HA that is why I do not ask for the things that I need.  It has happened way to many times. It doesn't even matter, I mean well the specifics do matter but speaking of them would only break my heart and I don't want to do that.  I just wanted to be heard.  That seems to be a theme in my life a need to be heard, a need for people just to listen. Not offer answers or push things that do not fit me.  Just say I know I am sorry.  Are you ok anything else that I can do.  Send me a hello, a funny message, a card, send me a smile and tell me to have a good day.  All I ask is the little things.  When you think of me say hello.  When you wonder how I am take a few seconds and ask.  Most of the time I wouldn't tell you for fear of being a bother or a pest. But knowing that you cared enough to ask,  that helps my heart.  Knowing that you took a few seconds, to check on me that means more than you will ever know.  People say ask for what you need I am convinced by actions that is not what is really meant.

I am the one always writing notes, making people laugh making sure that people are seen and I feel like those things are too much to ask for myself.  When I have done it,  its not taken well. There have been people and I am always reaching out checking on them, checking their heart.  Once in awhile it would be nice for my heart to be checked on. So where does a person go from here, what is next.  I am not asking anymore.  I asked one of favorites who knows me most and it didn't go well, wasn't even acknowledged . That hurts my heart.  In a place where you don't feel like there are people you can go to is more than hard.  I feel like I am drifting, a lonely feather being blown by every slight breeze. I feel  like there are things that my heart needs that I wish they would give up on.  Just a different place to me, same but different.  I always said that I had people even if I never reached out. I knew that , KNEW in my heart they were there, and to not feel like I have that.  I think its a repeat though, I have favorites but I am not a favorite .


I heart your heart   

More Gentleness, More Kindness ALWAYS

 You know I feel like a huge burden almost all of the time.  People say ask for what you need say the things that you want.  And I have done that. I can think if two really big things that took a lot and neither went well and that makes me sad.  Because the same people that made me feel like a burden were the exact ones that told me to ask for what I needed.  SO how does my mind wrap itself around that.  Truth is I don't think it does.  I just curl up in a ball and hope that the next time I get brave things will turn out better and I won't feel like such a burden. I have trouble thinking of a time when I wasn't a bother or a pest.  I feel like I am burden that all the life that I have lived is a burden for me and for anyone that I am around. There are going to be days when it comes at at speeds that I can't do alone , and I say then what ?  Then what am I supposed to do ???

 I feel like in my life I am always going to need people to be a little more gentle a little more Kind and a lot more aware of the things that they say and how they come across.  It's not ok to remind someone the hours and hours that they have given you when you know that they already feel like a burden and a pest in their everyday, which grows during the times when they have to ask for help. When you have felt guilt and shared that with them over and over and to remind you of the hours of they have spent on you,  I honestly feel like an inconvenience.  Not a good feeling. Don't tell someone I can't do this anymore when you just asked for some help.  Why is it necessary to say that you have never done those things and get defensive when I was just sharing straight from my heart.  People don't get it at all.  And sometimes, most of the time I just don't understand.  I feel awful that I feel so fragile sometimes, but that's just it. I need more, I think I will always need more and I hate feeling SOO guilty for that.  Is what I feel ok,  should I just suck it up.  Should I stop being so sensitive.Do I change everything that I am and pretend to be this strong person . There are parts of me that are strong , that is something that even I can not deny but there are still parts that are small and scared and need to be taken care of and when those two world come together I am more often than not left out in the cold. Drowning, and I feel as if I don't mater at all for any reason.  It hurts.

ALL...THE...TIME

Today I cried